Reeling in the years.

 I've been thinking a lot about life lately. I turned 65 this year. That's an age only old people turned. What happened? I have experienced Hawaiian beaches, Colorado mountains, Alabama country roads and the experience of being a dad. I've been through open heart surgery and I've seen the fridge full and the fridge empty. It's all a journey and I'm thankful for food, shelter and companionship.

I've learned the art of letting go of the need to control every situation. I wear my feelings on my sleeve often. But when they get knocked off I pick em up brush them off and keep going. 

I've been drunk, stoned and I've misplaced my keys and my car. I've been baptized, born again, agnostic and prayed, scoffed and argued religion and politics. I've read the bible and a little of The Tibetan Book of the Dead. I've been in church revivals and sit ZaZen meditation. I've watched sitcoms and I've watched porn. I've sit in awe of the vastness of who and what we would call God and I've felt the raw animal fear of being afraid I was going to die. 

65 years. That's a lot of rock and roll. Lots of regrets and hopes and fears and dreams. Life has rarely been as easy and magical as I wanted and it's never been as bad or devastating as I feared. 

I often hear people especially in the age of social media make sweeping statements. Just do this, vote this way, think this, read that and God, the universe, science and all life will work "just so."

At 65 I now say what I think. Sometimes too much. I was in the store the other day and I realized that the inner dialogue that I've had since I was young was actually coming out of my mouth. Oh my goodness! Thinking is one thing but when you start mumbling to yourself you look like either a crazy old fart. Maybe just a cute little old dude thinking out loud or call security because there's a nut walking through the store mumbling to himself.

One thing I do these days is tell friends and family I love them. I sometimes think that I hope my friends don't misunderstand. I'm not flirting or trying to get myself in trouble. At my age i'm busy trying to survive A-fib, floaters in my eye and hoping I don't see blood in the toilet. 

When I say I love you I mean just that. I love you and you're important to me. No strings attached. 

So what have I learned in over 6 decades? That there really isn't a one size fits all answer to life. We all walk around in our own unique journey and the best that I can do is follow my inner compass. For me that's prayer and meditation and treating others the way I want to be treated. 

I have learned to try and love without demanding anything in return. I've learned to see past a persons skin color, religion or political beliefs. I've learned to bite my tongue around far left woke people and far right religious people. I've also learned not to attend every argument I'm invited to. Especially if it's given by an atheist, Christian or political zealot. I'll gladly discuss politics, religion and sexuality. But I won't beat you over the head or argue endlessly about nit picking the human spiritual, physical and mental journey. 

Personally. I'm a person who is still on the journey. I do have hard earned views about life. But I mostly "Keep my visions to myself." as Stevie Nicks sang. 

Peace

Fairytale book review

 have been reading Stephen King since I was around 18 years old. I'm 65 now so it's been a minute. I always haunted the Gadsden, Alabama Public Library asking (pre internet days) when the next Stephen King novel was coming out. They would always say "don't worry we already have you on the waiting list." which meant they would hold a copy and call me when it was available depending on where I was on the list.

Back then King was dealing with his addictions and I was dealing with mine. So I would grab my copy and stop for a six pack or in the case of Pony Miller's an 8 pack and spend a bleary afternoon dropping into the world of Stephen King and the haze of Miller Time.

He eventually kicked his bad habits and as for drugs and alcohol so did I. But, I remained a Constant Reader as he calls the "fans" of his work.

In his mid 70's he's lost a little off his fastball but he still serves up a better yarn than most younger writers these days. I lost my constant desire for horror or at least less of it as I aged. Once you get to the age where you check your pee and chit for blood (none, so far Thank God) you don't really spend as much of your relaxing time wanting to ponder horror. 

But, if Stephen King releases a book i'm reading it. Besides I think he's getting less into the horror of his younger books. He keeps dabbling in crime and mystery but, full disclosure? He's no Raymond Chandler when it comes to writing cops and robbers and sultry dames. 

"Fairytale" is a really Well written book told in the first person by a young man named Charley Reade who loses his mother before the story even starts. Almost loses his father to alcohol and finds a German shepherd dog as a best friend. 

Along the way there are dwarfs, princesses, dungeons and giants. Gold and magic crickets and a journey between two world's. A monster straight out of Lovecraft and for a man in his 70's not a bad job of giving voice to a 17 year old teenager. Although for a modern teen the kid sounds a little like a 1960's TV show. But, I'm in my 60's now and I understand the problems I'd have trying to make a character in their teens sound believable.

Hey. You kid's. Get off my lawn!

Sorry. Got distracted. 

The story is excellent. I did the Audible version and the young voice actor does a fine job with narration. The only problem with the Audible version is it says Stephen King is also part of the narration. Well. He is but only for a few lines.

Pro's:

Good story

Likable characters

Hateful characters

Tribute to Lovecraft

Also Bradbury and Piers Anthony

Cons:

One line saying "white race isn't all bad." 

Making sure to be clear that blonde hair and blue eyes aren't all bad but fishbelly white instead of simply pale.

I'm no conservative by any stretch but I take my stories straight. No woke propaganda. Still even as I write this I admit there is very little political snark in this one. 

I also agree that "We" meaning the Human Race have messed up the planet and each other. So I tend to agree with the underlying theme of not wanting to contaminate a new world. 

All in all a well told story. Highly recommended!

Books and worldviews

 I grew up kind of hybrid. I was born in Gadsden, Alabama which at that time was considered a small city. Now I think you would call it a town. My family was from Altoona which is a really small rural area. I was playing in the neighborhood all week and staying in the country at my grandparents all weekend through the first 16 years or so of my life.

 One of the biggest influences on me was my passion to sink into a story. My home life was volatile at times But my imagination was free. Now this isn't going to be an old boomer telling you that the old ways were better. Some were, some were not. If you are a reader try "Boy's Life" by Robert McCammon. If you are a movie person try "Stand by Me" the movie based on a Stephen King book. Otherwise I will part with Boomer growing up nostalgia here.

  My worldview has been shaped by reading. I know these days (shut up Boomer) No, really these days we mainly read links on social media and snarky come backs and stay in our echo chambers. But, in my youthful haunts of libraries I would find a subject and have to think about it on my own.

No internet posse to save me with a link to a snarky debunk. No. I had to actually sit there and debate the issue in my own mind and hunt like a cave man ON My Own for a different opinion. (Okay boomer)

I was thinking of some books that have influenced my worldview along the way. You would think that would be easy but it isn't. I remember subjects and emotions but in some cases the actual title has escaped me. But, these are some of the books, authors and worldviews that have influenced my journey. 

1. Bible: Well I was raised in the Bible Belt to a Pentecostal family on one side and Southern Baptist on the other. So, even though I now see the Bible as a series of writings, traditions and ancient evolution of the search for God and meaning. I grew up thinking it was one smooth written account hand delivered to mankind from the desk of The Almighty. I still find great comfort in the Psalms and my favorite books are 1St Samuel and The Gospel of John. Favorite line for personal reasons "All my fountains are in you." 

2. Bed by the Window by M. Scott Peck. 

To be honest I remembered little about the plot of this book. I mainly remember it has a young man in a care facility who is paralyzed. But there is a light about him that draws people and staff. There is a negative person who wants to kill the light. I know this sounds like a Dean Koontz novel. Just throw in a Golden Retriever and you're done. But, it's so much more than that. The description of the inner reality of the soul stayed with me on some level that the story itself didn't. I have no idea if this still holds up. I think this is from the late 70's to early 80's. (okay boomer. I'll be sure to zzzzz.) 

3. The Sleeping Prophet: Edgar Cayce was called the Sleeping Prophet due to entering a trance state while laying down and diagnosing illness in other people. This soon evolved into past life readings and some dubious predictions about the future. Still much of the medical advice proved justifiable and effective. The past life readings interesting and the future predictions a mixed bag at best. So why do I consider Cayce influential?

One reason is I had a memory in childhood of an old man dying. I was watching this from a perspective of being the old man and yet outside the old man. So finding Cayce in the Gadsden Public Library helped put a name to it. Reincarnation. (okay boomer but I ain't buying it and my preacher says you're going to h.e. double toothpicks.)

4. "Strange World" Back in the day we got most of our news from a newspaper (Lawd, this boomer is old) one of the weekly columns was called something like "It's a Strange World." my young eyes after reading the funnies and the Sports page would eagerly devour the latest story of ghosts, vampires and even a little kid who was the reincarnation of President Kennedy who we had lost less than a decade ago. It wasn't a book or a specific author. But it helped my lifelong fascination with the "what if?" and things that go bump in the night.

5. "Out on a Limb" by Shirley McClain. I was going through a time in my young adulthood that lasted from my mid 20's to my early 30's where I began to suspect that belief in anything beyond the solid matter of things I could actually see and feel was superstitious nonsense. Yet here was a Hollywood star who I had seen in movies growing up. This wasn't a backwoods snake handling red neck preacher. I apologise now to my fellow rednecks and I'm a proud Southerner from a long line of redneck, Appalachian hillbillies and there are no finer people in the world. But, I'm describing where I was then

6. "Twenty Cases Suggestive of Reincarnation." by Dr. Ian Stevenson. Want an antidote to the I was an Egyptian Pharaoh in my past life? This is it. Want a quick easy read? This ain't it. This is dense and filled with statistics and years of on the ground research by a University of Virginia Psychiatrist and department head. Dry and academic and wonderful. But I didn't read it word for word. This ain't Stephen King and it's not a fun read. But, it's certainly a legitimate scientific method investigation. I actually wrote to Dr. Stevenson back in my youth. He answered me but in my youthful ignorance I discarded the letter. Oh well. I highly recommend checking out Ian Stevenson if you are interested at all in a serious inquiry into the paranormal.

Honorable Mention:

"Flim Flam" by James Randi. If you only want shiny unicorns and fluffy teddy bears in your worldview stay away from Mr. Randi. He was rude, crude and not above playing loose with the details. He was a true atheistic evangelist of debunking all hope in a god, afterlife or ESP. But, being the curious lad that I was I always at least looked at the other side of an argument.

"CSICOP" Martin Gardner: This isn't a book. Csicop or psi cop as the organization was know is a group of stage magicians like James Randi, scientists like Carl Sagan and others who either hated the thought of a god (James Randi) or was interested but highly skeptical (Carl Sagan.) One of these guys was a science writer named Martin Gardner. What set him a little apart was he was absolutely a skeptic and a debunker but he believed in God (though not the Christian one) and an afterlife. 

Ruth Montgomery: Former reporter for I believe the Washington post she became interested in channeling, reincarnation and communication with the dead. I seem to remember she was  close friends with the psychic Arthur Ford who had some controversial readings with the widow of Harry Houdini.

"Communion" by Whitley Strieber:

I had read the horror novel "The Wolfen" by Strieber back in the 70's. So when Communion came out purportedly a true story about alien abduction I was ready. This is not an alien abduction story as far as Spaceman and nuts and bolts flying saucers. This is a well documented psychological, paranormal in depth personal account of a man's ongoing journey into the great mystery. Calling it and the rest of Strieber's work a simple alien abduction fantasy is a lie at worst and a misunderstanding of his experience by skeptics at best.  I really enjoy his "Dreamland" podcasts and his recent non fiction work.

"The Other's" by James Herbert. 

A "horror" novel that touches on good and evil. Reincarnation and karma and according to the writer isn't exactly "fiction." at least not entirely. It's a good story either way and I once heard him described as Britain's Stephen King. I won't go that far but yeah. He's a good writer.

"What Dreams May Come" Richard Matheson.

Not the Robin Williams movie. Although that's good to. The book is based on actual worldview and research of the author. It resonated with me and I listened to the Audible version. 

"Return from Tomorrow" by George Ritchie

An account of a young army medic from the Korean war era if memory serves. But don't hold me to that. He is pronounced dead and has a vivid near death experience. He sees Christ as constantly there to help the departed cross into forgiveness and hope. But many souls are so stuck in their own version of hell that they can't see or acknowledge the hope that is always there if they would just stop and listen. This book affected a great deal of Some of the way I view the afterlife.

Well that's it for now. No these aren't my favorite books although a few are on that list. But, these are some of the interests and influences along my journey.

Peace.

First Samuel and a Christian Heretic.

 Just a couple comments before I start.

I titled this a Christian heretic  reads 1st Samuel. I first read the bible in my youth and even into my later days as a born again evangelical Christian. I chose Christian heretic because I can't be a Muslim heretic or a Buddhist heretic or any other kind. Because I'm not Muslim or Buddhist or atheist or any other theist. I was born and raised in the church and I still consider the idea of the source of all being putting on humanity to be the greatest act of love and the most "God Thing" of any of the world's religions.

What this is not: 

It's not an argument of why I left evangelical fundamentalist religion. 

It's not asking the church for permission to call myself a Jesus Follower.

It's not asking atheists permission to still consider myself intelligent without abandoning all hope of love, spirit and meaning beyond chemical firings in a temporary organ located inside my skull.

It's also not an argument to prove I'm right. 

You are free to call me a superstitious idiot for believing in a higher power. You are free to call me a hell bent sinner for thinking for myself. Although the people some of y'all populate heaven with and the angry old wrathful blood thirsty Jehovah would be hell to me. But, I digress.

I read the ebook NIV version from the Bible Gateway App. Two reasons. One is that my 65 year old eyes need the adjustable font and backlight of the kindle. The second reason is the NIV is my favorite version. It's also what I used when Cindy and I attended the Gadsden Vinyard Fellowship. My pastor there who will in some ways always be my pastor  although he certainly wouldn't agree  with my theology once said jokingly "NIV" Necessary in Vinyard.

Anyway 1st Samuel is a fascinating prophetic and very spiritual book. It's also earthy, crude and violent. From gathering foreskins of enemies to killing every man, woman, child and animal in a village it's not exactly a "Christian"sounding book. Because it's not. It's a very Jewish, Eastern crude and even poetic book. I think the parts I always loved were when God calls Samuel. I have felt that quiet voice when you just know it's the real  thing. No, I'm not a prophet. But, taken away from the evangelical rewrite of history the prophet was basically someone who was psychically in tune with pure consciousness. At least in my opinion. 

Reading it at 30 years old from a young man's Christian perspective I remember how I felt about it. It was awesome that I was reading it at a time when the Vinyard movement was still a young movement. Late 80's to early 90''s. I was excited to have found a church that was playing worship songs with a rock beat and talking about prophecy as an intuition and just hanging out and talking with God as if you were having a conversation. The focus was on music, fellowship and I was meeting young professionals who were academics and talked about science fiction and could have a beer without thinking the wrath of God was going to consume us. Although coffee was the brew of choice.

Reading it some 30 or more years later as an older adult. I still enjoyed it. That's rare for me to say about a book of the bible.Especially an old testament book I remember even in my youth falling asleep part way through Deuteronomy. But, First Samuel has a lady being made fun of for not having children. Then God blesses her with children especially the first one who turns out to be Samuel an eventual prophet of God. Then Israel wants a king and God says "That's not a real good idea" but if they want one I'll give them one. 

Then comes Saul who is flawed and then comes David and the evangelicals don't even want to talk about David and Jonathan and Jonathan stripping naked and the love that was more than the love of women. Yeah I know. If like me you were raised in the church one of the Southern seminaries explained all that away. But, reading it as an older man who doesn't have to read it like a good Christian youth I'm able to step back and say hmmm. But, I digress. 

Then you have David slaying Goliath and God sending an evil spirt of God to Saul. And Saul acting like a vengeful killer one moment and stand up guy the next. Again, my Christian upbringing was to ignore the killing and the fact that God can't do evil but the bible says the evil spirit on Saul was from God. I understand these days that translations and ancient times can't be put in modern day terms word for word or meaning for meaning. 

Then you have David. Raiding villages and killing men, women and children so that no witness remains. Holy Sopranos Batman! Again, as a young Christian I just accepted that God had his reasons and I couldn't judge. But, these days I don't see that as a good excuse for killing kids. 

Eli, who was Samuel's mentor, had sons that disobeyed the Lord and so Samuel was raised up. Samuel's sons also committed the same sins and met the same fate. I also noticed the boundaries that  were set where God was said to protect the people. It brought back the idea that the God of the desert to the Jews at that time was a territorial God and not depicted as the Almighty father that those of us who grew up in the church were taught. 

David would not be a Sunday School attendee. If he wanted a woman he would take her. This "one man, one woman" thing of the modern American church wasn't something the ancient Hebrews would have agreed with. First Samuel is very much an ancient Jewish writing. 

My take away:

I absolutely love First Samuel. It's human and mystical and gritty and blood and guts and emotion. As a spiritual person it gives me reason to get quiet before the mystery that is the connection between flesh and spirit. Just to get quiet and wait on that still voice and be in awe of the interaction. 

However, if I were still a fundamentalist the problem of thinking God literally told these people to kill men, women and children would be horrible. There is no way to read it as a fundamentalist and not have to condone and make excuses for murder. Sorry, That's just the way it is. 1 plus 1 equals 2. However, read as part of a journey of a people who lived and died in the mud and gore and not taking it as the literal absolute will of God. I can read it as I honestly think it stands I'm not a scholar of ancient Hebrew or ancient peoples. So, I won't pee up your leg and tell you it's raining. I don't understand a lot of the details. I don't think God sends evil spirits on people. I don't think God kills or is pleased when people kill women and children. Or men for that matter. 

But, I do think people get caught up within themselves. I do believe the same person that listens for that still voice of God is also capable of walking away from that experience and still being consumed by their own fear, lust and anger. It's the human condition. 

So, my feeling is I'm really Spiritually encouraged by the voice of Deity in the still quiet moments. I'm also pleased that I can be human and still find hope and purpose. 

1st Samuel is like most of the Old Testament. It's a tough read if you take it as the absolute will of God.In that regard it's not quite as hard on me now as it was in my younger days. But, it's still hard. On the other hand it's more like what we are as humans even in this day. We can love and hate. Birth and kill. Nurture and destroy. 1st Samuel is really about religious scribes and authorities making God in their own image. Religion is great at that.

We do the same thing to not only our idea of God but also our idea of country, politicians and even our approach to science. We want what we want and we want it now.

So, I'm not mocking the bible or faith. I'm not mocking anybody or their idea of who and what they are or God is or isn't. I'm coming to the mystery quietly and with my ears open and my mouth shut. I hope if God says my name I'm able to listen. I might not listen as a religious dogmatist. But, as a person and as an aware being I anxiously and hopefully listen. 

Peace. 

Me and Jesus go to WalMart

 So Cindy gets up and says it's going to rain and I need to get groceries. I said great. I'll be here when you get back. So off she goes and I think "ya know if she hadn't already left I think I'd go with her." Just to get my steps in. Well about that time she comes back in. She forgot something. So true to my word. I pop up and say I'll go with you.

So there I am walking inside the Super Center looking at caps, movies and getting my steps in. All of a sudden I feel an intense presence.

Well. Fancy meeting you here. Since I left church and fundi religion we don't talk as much. 

Well. Who's fault is that? We decided a long time ago that you didn't have to get permission from priest, preachers or other fools to talk with me.

Yeah I know. But they seem to claim the "orthodox" faith when it comes to you.

Orthodoxy? Really? Do you know my story? Those guys killed me. 

I know. They had me pretty wrapped up at one time. Anyway I'm glad to see you. Been too long. I needed a reminder that Source cares enough to put on flesh and join this tragic, funny, wonderful, awful dance of life.

Well look in the mirror. You can see source in your own eyes. Even in a puppies eyes. With all the war and anger and self righteous liberal vs conservative vs race vs pronouns I just wanted to tap you on the shoulder. 

Thanks! I needed that. Even us heretics and former fundies need a reminder that this is a journey. Not the destination. 

Peace!

Heart like a wheel

 Well I spent my whole lifetime

In a world where the sunshine
Finds excuses for not hangin' 'round

I was around 16 years old when Linda Ronstadt included this song on her album "Heart like a Wheel"

I squandered emotions
On the slightest of notions
And the first easy loving I found
But soon all the good times
The gay times and play times
Like colors run together and fade
Oh Lord if you hear me
Touch me and hold me
And keep me from blowing away

I would eventually teach myself how to play this song on my acoustic guitar. By the time I was 18 I thought I had lived through enough to understand the lyrics. My older self thinks of that and wants to kick my younger self's....oh well. They say youth is wasted on the young.

There's times when I trembled
When my mind remembered
The days that just crumbled away
With nothing to show
But these lines that I know
Are beginning to show in my face

It ain't though. Youth is lived by the young and often regretted by the old. But, that's what makes it youth. The living of it. The casual throwing away of sunny days by the idiocy of youthful inexperience. Still the memories are still there. And finally you get old enough to think old regrets are just as silly as youthful mistakes. 

Oh Lord if you're listening
I know I'm no Christian
And I ain't got much coming to me
So send down some sunshine
Throw out your lifeline
And keep me from blowing away

I'm old enough now to know someone's listening. At least that's what my deepest life experience tells me. But, you have to keep yourself from blowing away. At least I finally came to a place where I decided I wasn't a victim. 

Oh Lord if you hear me
Touch me and hold me
And keep me from blowing away

I love the album and this particular song. Life is kind of a Wheel. Buddhist say we can escape the cycle through good karma. But, I don't think there is anything to be escaped from. I personally feel we all are on an eternal journey. Maybe that's what the universe is about. In some form or another. Some incarnation or journey in consciousness it's all made for us. I like to think that's true. That there are always more journeys of spirit and more beings than are thought of in our various philosophy, science and religions. 

Peace!

Meditation

   Relax your body. Breathe in. Concentrate on your breath. On the inhale say "let." On the exhale say "go." Let...Go.....Guided meditation

Here I am again. Thoughts swirl through my mind. Hang on. I gotta pee. Okay. Wait the volume is to low. Okay. Now. Wait. To loud. Alright. Relax. Dang my hand is tingling again and my leg is uncomfortable. Alright. Now. my eyes are closed. My meditation mask is over my eyes. Monkey mind is quieting down. Body slowing down. Stop. No thought. Just be. Just let the thoughts go by. Stop trying to figure it out.

Finally. Watching the thoughts. Calling to you. Remembering who I am. Understanding what I can't put into words without them sounding silly and religious and new agey. NO Thought. No words can explain. Just be.

I can't be destroyed because I didn't start with the body. You can't lose me because I'm literally a part of you. But, how do I come to your presence? Some come as if you are a stern parent or school teacher and they are a naughty child. Some come as if you are a stern judge and they are guilty of criminal offense. Some think this whole thing is a mistake of random chance and one day the organism will evolve until it destroys itself signifying nothing and finally there will be only oblivion unless or until another mistake happens and some other organism evolves towards oblivion.

I Am! That's all there is. I AM. No beginning and no ending. I'm a part of you. Not an adopted child because I say the magic words of a scripture. Not a cosmic by product of nothing producing nothing. I can't be lost like an old man losing a penny out of his pocket. 

Grateful. Thankful. Being. 

Meditation is over. My butt itches. I have to go to the bathroom. I need to make sure people like me. Do I have enough money? What time is it? I'm feeling horny, old, tired, bored, sick, healthy. Now what was I doing a little while ago? Meditating? Well. Maybe I'll do it again and maybe I can remember the state where I'm eternal and not afraid. But, right now I have to make sure I'm in control.

Make sure my religion is spread to everyone else. That my political party has power and that the world is still going. After all it depends on me and my religious and political values. Right? 

Just Breathe.