Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Prayer, meditation and sanity

 Recently I came across an old Saturday Night Live skit on YouTube. Sally Field was playing a religious fanatic that prayed about everything. From matching socks to a hedge of protection around her husband as he walked out to the garage. Phil Hartman played a very outdone Jesus who was trying to get her to understand that she was over praying trivial matters. It's funny and Google is your friend if you want to look it up.


But the skit while funny was a little mean spirited and yet accurate. Let me explain what I mean. I have been on the other side of the obsessed religious wall. So a part of me was squirming with how easily I identified with the religious fanaticism. So I felt that by making so much fun that there were actually people of faith on the other side of that skit who were possibly being tormented by being made fun of.

I've never understood why people who don't believe anything think that trashing hope in others is a sign of intelligence. On the other hand the truth is that we all wake up in our own skin everyday and we all have our own coping mechanisms. Unless you are harming a child or abusing another person or creature I tend to think it's an individual journey and where you find strength is fine by me.

I no longer follow a religion. I was raised in church. I have read the bible. I have earned my worldview and it's still evolving. I still identify as Christian. Notice I didn't say "A Christian." the idea that the divine would have so much love that he/she/source would join us in this dance of the flesh inspires my life. Every cancer patient, rape victim, war ravaged refugee or homeless person is God breathed and God expressed. However, every evil act and selfish prick is also an image of the corruption of the divine. Not that the divine in us is corrupt but that we have cut off others from the source in us and therefore corrupted our true being.

I'm not a philosopher or a theologian so I'm bowing out of stating that my above conclusions are true. It seems right to me or I wouldn't have said it. But, I'm still asking questions and working through life. So your own mileage will vary. 

I understand some people think prayer is just talking to one's self. Maybe it is. But, I find that I am calmed and at times can talk it out with God and come to an inner honesty that I otherwise didn't have. I'm 65 years old. I have read some spiritual teachings that talk about a higher self. At one time in my life I considered that ridiculous. But, as I've heard and read more about consciousness as fundamental cause instead of a product of a material universe the thought of higher consciousness seems feasible to me.

Meditation also keeps me sane. I can move to a quiet place. Breathe and put in my ear buds and close my eyes and listen to a guided meditation or a soundscape of running water via a phone app. Or just get quiet. Watch my thoughts and my breath and consider the other person's point of view. My anger gets less as the need to be "right" subsides. It's not a one size fits all. But it works for me.

I remember taking a psychology class when I "wore a younger man's clothes" as Billy Joel said in his song. The teacher if memory serves was a psychologist. During class discussion I told her about a friend of mine who had a lot of issues. I asked her how to fix him. Insert laughing eye roll At my ignorance here. Not that she rolled her eyes. But, I roll mine now at my silliness.

She said something I never forgot. She said "well Steve are you willing to spend weeks, months and maybe years in building your friend back up after you tear down his coping mechanisms?" 

Of course not! I don't have time for that. She said exactly. So unless you can offer strength and a better solution to your friends mental health maybe you should leave it alone. Just be a friend. 

I hope I was. I miss my friend terribly. He left the earth too soon. Not out of self harm thankfully. 

  I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I don't think anybody deserves torment from a supreme deity just for the "sin" of being born a human being. 

But, the idea that the death and torture of the Jewish people or the cancer ward of a children's hospital is answered better by a cold insane useless and meaningless atheism than by hope is completely insane even stupidly insane in my opinion

So, no. My hope isn't in angry gods and biblical inerrancy. It's not in saying magic words and quoting Allah or Buddha or Jehovah. It's not in winning Darwin's sperm lottery.

It's in the time I had a childhood dream and 65 years later I still remember it. It was a confirmation that I have purpose and meaning and belong to God. Not religion. It's in the times I railed at the Almighty about the stupid way the world worked and in my own spirit heard "I know." just that. No explanation or one size fits all religion. Just "I know" that's enough at times and at times it isn't. But, it gets me through some rough times.

I keep my visions to myself...Stevie Nicks

Since I don't want to offend my devout friends any more than I have or cause my more secular friends to get a straight jacket. I won't go into the dreams, visions or intuitions I've had that point me towards hope in this world but mainly on the flip side of this life. So I'll hush now. 

I find for me Meditation and prayer keep me sane and balanced. 

Once I came to a river. I knew it was cold. Beside me I heard get in. You have to go to the other bank. I said it was too cold! It will kill me. But I jumped in. My body froze. It was absolutely chilling. I was dying. My spirit soared. Absolutely glorious! I was in joy....A dream from several years ago.

So, I know this journey is hard. We have little pockets of joy and pleasure. We have accidents, disease and oppression. It's not fair. But, one thing I have hope of. There is a river and we are never truly alone. 

I wrote the last part of this after the massacre in Texas of innocent babies and teachers. A mentally disturbed person committed a great evil. So, I'm aware of how shallow words can be in the teeth of real tragedy and grief. I'm not going to give new agey blather about spirit or Christian just so stories about God's will. But, I'm also not going to the hopeless idiocy of a blind indifferent universe to the suffering of human kind and all creatures.

I still know there's a river. I still know there is purpose to the existence of every life and there is a world that this world is a pale reflection of.

Peace!

Saturday, May 14, 2022

Walkin' my mind to an easy time.

 You can leave it all behind. Sail to Lahania. ..Eagles


 I saw a picture of Billy Carter on Facebook labeled 1976. It took me back. I graduated high school in 1976. The year of the Bicentennial! Everything was red,white and blue. Even high school marching bands used those colors no matter what the actual school colors were. It was such a huge world and America seemed to own it. 


You were the Apple of the public's eye as you cut the ribbon at the local mall...Styx

That attitude and arrogance would eventually bite us in the butt. However, that's a different story. This one concerns youth and sunshine and a world of possibilities.

School's out for Summer. School's out forever...Alice Cooper


But what a world! 18-19 years old. Girls in halter tops and Pony Miller's and a little smell of a doobie on a hot Southern evening. I was so optimistic about the world. Politics were rarely on my radar. 


Don't try and stop me. Cause I'm headed for that stormy weather soon...Queen


But 1976 was a long time ago. The world now seems much smaller. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those old farts that think people were better back then. I saw enough cruelty, casual racism, meanness and insensitive acts to know better. But everybody for better or worse didn't have a microphone. 


In my solitude you haunt me with reveries of days gone by.... Billie Holiday


Back then we didn't have alerts beeping on a device in our pocket keeping us fired up 24 hours a day. I couldn't tell you a single football player my favorite team was recruiting. The only thing I really knew about the president was he had a similar accent to some of my old elementary school teachers and a brother who liked beer. I didn't know if Glen Frey and Don Henley got along but I knew an Eagles album would release soon. I didn't know or care what my favorite author thought about the weather or if a famous comedian had said something inappropriate 20 years ago.


Ooooh that smell. Can't you smell that smell...lynyrd Skynyrd.


I smell something awful. You're telling me. Why don't you take a bath sometime...Three Stooges


So I try from time to time to take a bath. I love technology but I cut it off once in a while. So I can just breathe. Somewhere a woke person is blaming me as an old white man for the misery of the World. Somewhere a right wing politician is yelling about the love of God while demonizing a family of brown people trying to find a better life. But in my moment of breathing I go deep inside.

Sometimes I find a still small voice saying "it's okay. This is just a dream." Sometimes I find compassion for the upper middle class millennial taking pot shots at my lower middle class Southern upbringing. Or understanding for the self righteous right wing hypocrite that has no idea what it feels like not to have money for the rent.

But other times I find the voice of an old friend who loved Rock and Roll and passed way to early. I can hear him and it makes me smile. (warning! Language alert)

Fuck em if they can't take a joke.

 

Sunday, May 8, 2022

Twitter and driving in my own lane

 I was out in the yard. Cool late Spring day in May. This is the South so Summer's bearing down. But, today there's a breeze and a hint of a chilly morning on the way. Once the humidity and the heat settles in I won't see a day where I could use a windbreaker before late October and possibly into December depending on the weather flow. 



Been walking my mind to an easy time. My back turned towards the sun...James Taylor




But right now I pull my cap a little lower to shade the Spring Sun and feel a cool breeze urging me to find a sunny spot as the day grows late. 



I get a Twitter alert on my phone. Now I'm a 60 plus year old boomer. I don't have an internet presence and I don't have hundreds of followers. Nobody worries about my buying habits as far as pop culture goes. I've aged out. But I still know how to follow my favorite sports teams. I check the news on my tablet and I follow certain authors and I enjoy paranormal Facebook and Twitter news along with YouTube. 



I glance at my Twitter feed and I see "she's a liar." I'm a little shocked because I'm having a peaceful moment. Cindy is out of town and when one of us is out on the road we keep our phones near just in case the car breaks down or there is some need. Otherwise I might not have my phone with me. I do leave it on rare occasions. Especially when I need a quiet moment.




Everybody's talking at me. I can't hear a word they're saying. Only the echoes of my mind...Nilsson




But it's on now and Twitter is letting me know that a dude who disagrees politically with a dudette is calling her a liar. There is of course link after link to back him up. He can recite chapter and verse why his adversary is evil. I yawn and clear my feed.



Not because I don't have an opinion. I got plenty of them. You're welcome to them. All you gotta do is ask. But, I hardly ever give them these day's. Because these day's people are "Big Mad!" They pounce and people named Rachel and Tucker and Donald and Hillary are the truth bearers. The issues can be  diminished to Left vs right. Conservative vs liberal. Black vs white. Male vs female. 




Boy you better get on one side or the other...Eagles




Just choose a lane and a cause and you will be provided with marching orders. Us vs them. Take no prisoner's. Yell libtard, racist, inbred. Yell baby killer, Nazi. That way you don't have to listen for understanding. You just kick butt and Take names.






Here's the thing before you think I'm just an out of touch boomer. People aren't worse now than they were back in the day. It's just that back in the day everybody didn't have the microphone. Networks reported the news 30 minutes 5 nights a week. To find out everybody's past you had to research at the library. 




It wasn't better. It was just a little less in your face. People weren't kinder. They just were not as consistently furious the way they are now. 



Hey you! Get off of my cloud!...Rolling Stones






I love technology. I used to carry a book if I got bored. A guitar tuner when I broke a string.I needed a dictionary when I didn't know a word. I had to wait for a song on the radio and I had no idea when my favorite group would release a new album. I had no recourse if I missed a tv show or a sporting event. 



I didn't have a blog to vent or an online group to share interest with. Now I can reach in my pocket and there is my music player, guitar tuner, book, dictionary, instant message from a friend in Europe, football, baseball and basketball games and scores and classic rock songs and performances all on one device! Movies and tv shows and social media of long lost classmates, friends and relatives interaction with writer's, scientist and performers that I'd never meet in regular ole life.




took the blows and did it my way...Sinatra



Still. I'm glad 17, 18 and 19 year old Steve wasn't caught on Facebook back in the 1970's. Because I've made a few mistakes in my life. I'm not ashamed of much. But, I'm glad some 25 year old social justice warrior or evangelical can't pull up pictures and video. Because I've lived a life. I've been stoned, drunk and drugged. I've been to the church alter and I've been to bars. I've lived a life.



Shirley Mclaine who I happen to like and admire although your milage May vary. Once wrote a book in her old age saying "I'm over all that." she then listed several things that she used to argue and fuss about. But in her older years she just didn't have the energy to spend on trying to convince people that they were wrong.




You don't have to attend every argument to which you're invited...Buddhist saying




I feel something similar now. Recently I've noticed that I just don't have the energy anymore to try and manipulate people to see things my way. I also see holes in my own arguments that I honestly didn't see a few years ago.





I haven't changed my opinion on certain political and religious issues. I've just gotten a little less self righteous and I try to put myself in the other person's shoes. Or at least try to understand they wake up in their own skin everyday and their journey is different than mine. Not better. Not worse. Just different. 



I wonder sometimes what the world will be in 20 Or 30 years. I'm at that age now Where I either won't be here or will be so old it won't personally matter to me. I mean I'll be somewhere. I just don't know if it will be in this world. 




I know where I came from and where I am going...Jesus



I think I've done this before. I'm not sure. but I highly suspect it. I know where ever I come from and where ever I'm headed is more real and I'm more able to be myself than I am here. So give yourself room to be Human. Give other's the same room. 




I didn't come here and I ain't leaving...Willie Nelson




I don't know if life is planned or not. I tend to think we are here for a purpose but it's not a one size fits all world. Stuff happens! I'm just trying to leave more good vibes than bad. 



Peace


Saturday, May 7, 2022

Vague Soul

 there I am pondering my late Fall or early Winter journey through life. Important stuff like will Alabama win another national championship or two in my remaining time on earth. Also stuff like who was the better front man Mick Jagger or Freddie Mercury. How even at my advanced age pretty women are still eye catching and should I meditate sitting up or lying down? The usual thoughts that a person has along with the random "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?" can we ever really know?


  Then outta nowhere I see a post by a person talking about a "Vague God" and how we can't worship God if he's vague to us. Now I finally decided some time ago not to argue with atheists and devout Christians. I'm not an atheist (just doesn't seem likely to me from my own journey) and I'm not a born again fire and brimstone Christian. (been there. Got the t-shirt.) So I wasn't much interested in getting into theological arguments. I'm still not.

But it got me thinking. Which at least got my mind off of women and tootsie roll pops for a few minutes. There's a great line in there somewhere but I don't feel clever enough to find it right now.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Vague God's and what am I doing here? 

The thing is. I'm not sure just what I am. Having heart surgery a few years ago really messed with my sense of identity. It's hard to explain but it weirded me out to think I had a valve all of my life up until a little over 60 years old. Then they threw it away. Now there is another valve there and it came from a cow. 

I know. It sounds odd but trust me. You or at least I woke up feeling like something was taken from me and i was a little angry and confused. Thankful? YES! But, still I had moments of depression and my temper and patience was really thin. Being a social worker I knew my mouth was going to overload my butt with administrative people if I didn't retire soon. 

But, back to thoughts of vagueness and what I am. I came to think about them cutting me open and I thought about where I had been during surgery and what they had found. Now here's the thing. I wasn't obliterated but I also wasn't conscious of what was going on around me. Maybe I was in a holding pattern. I do know that at some point after I had recovered and gone home I had a white light experience during a meditative state between sleeping and waking. But during surgery? No real memory. They didn't find anything in my body that was me. So I began to think about who or what I was.

I have read some Buddhist writings that resonate with me. But, it's missing something. For me the Christian concept of God manifesting in the flesh still works better. No matter what I might think of Christian theology which doesn't work (for me) I was also struck by "Autobiography of a Yogi" which didn't always resonate but chapter 43 alone was worth the trip.

Still. What was I? I was pretty sure that killing the ego and becoming nothing wasn't and isn't something I ever want to aspire to. (Sorry Buddha) Still what was I when I was under anesthesia? What was I when I found myself in pure white light? Well in surgery I wasn't obliterated. In the light I wasn't a body. Or at least not in this one. So it got me thinking. If you could "find the soul" then it could be killed. So the soul was not a thing. Not a wet organism in your head. Not something tied up inside the body. It is "No Thing" which is much different from nothing.

  So I started to think that the theologian arguing against a Vague concept of God was wrong. We don't even know what we are. So how can we define God in a concrete manner? 

We have to be vague. We have to use words like love and intent. Words like Son/Daughter of God. It's also how come we are So easily convinced of wrath and eternal judgement. Because we want or think eternity is a thing. A place in a Newtonian physics driven world. When in reality we are talking about "No Thing"

So there I was with a scrunched up brow and a Vague headache. But, at least I knew I could stop trying to win the argument with atheists, preachers and other fools. 

Because I knew one thing. I was much more than nothing. That like God. Like the male and female aspects of the Divine. I was just as much a fool and just as wise as anyone else. I was and am pure aware "No Thing."

If you read this far and haven't called mental health or unfriended me I thank you.