Heart Like a Wheel

 I was doing a guided meditation late yesterday afternoon. I found myself with a little story based loosely on certain memories that I had as a child. I just kind of let it play out in my mind's eye. So, the following is not a "gospel" according to Steve. It's an exercise in watching my thoughts and then just following them down the rabbit hole.

  The old man know's that this is the day. He's had a long life. But, it's had it's share of bitterness and even violence. He's lost more than he care's to think about along the way. He's upstairs and looks at his empty room. It has a bed which he refuses to die in. It's not empty of furniture and memories of the past. It just seems empty of any useful company or hope in recent years. It still has the wardrobe and the dressers and the mirror. That was their bed. He walks out on the landing and starts down the stairs.

The house is old now. Everything is old now. The giant grandfather clock is ticking. It's loud. When did it get so damn loud and why has he let it tick all these years? Oh well, she liked it. No, don't go there. Impatient all his life. He just had to have what he wanted when he wanted it. Now look. Damn loud clock!

There is the chair he must have been sitting in everyday for the past nine or ten years. A little fire in the fireplace. He likes a fire. Fires are violent and consume anything that gets in the way. He settles in the chair and know's his wait isn't going to be long. He finds himself floating. He floats above the old man in the chair. Strange because there is some connection to that old man. But, now it just looks like a dead body. Anyway, floating is so much more peaceful and honestly it feels natural. As if he has always had this ability but just didn't use it.

  Hey, where am I? I was just seeing an old man. Who are you? My what? Who? You are so bright but that light is so peaceful. I want to go home. I don't want to leave. Hey, where is she and where are all the others? I came here with them you know. I remember now. What? But, that will take forever if they are going back I don't want to wait here.

 I know. I have not shown much patience. But, I have none to show! I need to see  all of them now. I will go back. If they are late then I'll wait for them. Just let me go back.

They will be my parents? Her and him? Really? They don't care enough for each other. They won't care enough to nurture me or at least one of them will try but it's not going to be easy. That body? Wait. I'm strong and tall and I get what I want. That body won't do. Well, if I have to I guess it will have to work won't it? Them as my grandparents? Well that makes more sense. We have had some good relationships. Anyway, it's awfully early. You're sure?

  Patience? I will learn patience? That shouldn't be so hard. I'll remember. No? Why not? I understand. How will I meet up with? No? You mean the relationships will be different and that I might now even live around my tribe? Then what's the point of patience? Oh, that is the point.

Alright, I'm ready. But, I'll tell you one thing. I'm going to remember at least some of it. Good luck? What does that mean?

  So warm and secure now. I feel the rhythm of her breathing. The beating of her heart. I'm not so sure about the physical structure of this body but right now I don't have to worry. Her's will sustain me for some months now. Time again! What a joke. There is no time. But, right now I'm going to sleep. I think I'll let the body take over. After all there will be plenty of time to remember once I come out of the womb. It's not my first rodeo and I need to get started. But, first. I think I'll kind of lie back here and let the process take over. To sleep. Perchance to dream.

So, as I meditated and noticed my breathing I had the thought. I'm old again. It went so fast. But, here I am again.

That was based loosely on a memory I had as a child. I can barely remember details now. But, I would ask my mother "Who was that old man?" She would always say "Stephen stop talking crazy and go out and play." After all I was raised by my very devout Christian grandmother for the most part and my grandfather who loved me more than his own kid's. But, the concept of reincarnation wasn't a part of my upbringing.

  These days I have room and time to wonder. I don't absolutely know what happens at death. If you want the truth and I know it's hard to swallow. Nobody from Carl Sagan to Billy Graham ( except now. Maybe they both know now) But, nobody walking the earth really and truly knows. But, these are things I've pondered my whole life. So, I just kind of let my thoughts go yesterday and today I wrote it down. How much is fiction? Most all of it. But, how much is based on reality? I'm still on the journey. I'll find out. Again?

Maybe life is a dream and when we die we wake up!

Peace!



Peace!

Just one more thing.

  I"ve been watching old reruns of Columbo lately. I dvr them and then I can skip through the commercials. Watching Columbo reminds me of how fun TV can be when it's not worried about converting you to a cause or preaching politics at you. Also, Peter Faulk is a perfect Zen character as Columbo. No ego. Doesn't come bursting in yelling LAPD Freeze! Doesn't even yell about being LT. Columbo. He has this cool frumpy trench coat and a chewed on cigar and he slumps and grins and puts himself down.

One episode he walks into a soup kitchen and the nun just assumes he's in need of a meal. He takes the bowl of soup and a piece of bread and sits down in front of one of the men he wants to question. He never whips out the badge. Doesn't get insulted that the nun thinks he's a bum. It just doesn't matter. He comments on how good the soup is and talks to the man he needs to talk with and leaves. Now I don't do guru's and if I did it would be Willie Nelson. But, you could do worse than Columbo.

I think there is a great lesson to be learned here. Just breathe and give people room to be human and don't try to convince everybody else that they need your brilliance or beliefs to function properly. This also works because I've seen some social workers that had a little bit of Columbo in them. Of course I've also seen some that had a little Napoleon in them too. Ouch.

When I was working on my degree I did an internship in Honolulu, Hawaii at a place for severly mentally ill folks who were on the street. The Social Work Director of this particular facility dressed like a street person. She rarely combed her hair and wore little makeup. Frumpy dresses and was very down to earth. She didn't have a desk and didn't sit in an office. She was out among the clients all day long. A rare person in that she checked her ego at the door and demanded nothing from others that she didn't give them.

I remember later as a social worker once I was back home in Alabama being mistaken for a client in a church one day. I wasn't wearing a suit and I guess I looked pretty casual. I was asking if they had a food pantry for  the public. I was doing it on behalf of a client. The person there asked me if I needed food. Now I wasn't trying to be as humble as Columbo and I wasn't as graceful as the director from Honolulu. But, I didn't get insulted either. I am thankful for food and shelter and I hate to see people hurting. I've seen times when I wasn't sure I could afford to eat or pay the rent and it's a hellish thing. Think about that before you condemn poor folks walking across the border with their families or people who can't afford health insurance. When you can't breathe or pay your rent it's hard to be a good upright citizen.

I wonder about the people who wrote Columbo though. Did they intend to make a Zen like character? I really don't know. But, Peter Falk played him beautifully. He would always seem to play to the ego of the villian. Telling him or her how crafty they were and how perfect the crime was and then start to walk away. But, then he would pause and touch his head or his face and wave his cigar and say "Oh just one more thing." Then kaboom. They would be wrapped up and delivered to justice.

I decided once that I was going to do the Zen meditation at the local Unitarian Church in Tuscaloosa. There are a lot of smart people that go to the Unitarian Church. University of Alabama Professors and transplanted folks from the Northeast that want to express themselves spiritually but don't particularly follow the bible belt fire and brimstone religion of the local population.

 That's okay everybody has to find their own path. Anyway, I decided that since I love to meditate and it clears my mind I would sit "Za Zen." Now, the only thing is I found that Zen Buddhism is just as religious as any other religion. It's just a little different but it still isn't free from dogma. Now, personally I have no problem with Buddhism but I'm not Buddhist and wasn't looking for a new religion. The teacher or meditation leader kept having us read out of a Zen text and kept talking about "Right Thinking." It occured to me that her "right thinking" was her own dogma and understanding based on her religion. Nothing wrong with that but I wasn't looking for a new religion. I'm no longer an evangelical and I don't feel the need for a religion one way or the other personally. But, I still "Identify" with my Christian upbringing.

So even though I (and I'm not going to go into it) left the dogma of "The church" as we say in the south. I still in my mind and spirit have an image of God as personal. You don't have to agree with me. We can still be friends but I wasn't looking to start, change or modify to a new religion. That includes the secular religion of atheism which masquerade's as "science" which it's not. Anyway, I'm just trying to find my way through this universe and I honestly have no interest in old testament vengeful angry old men or in the meat puppet view of secular humanism. If you do that's fine. I honestly don't think it matters much in the long run. I do think it matters how you treat people.

But, anyway. I read about a Monk named Thomas Merton who was a very prolific writer. Like him I had decided that even though I wasn't Buddhist I did have a lot of respect for the discipline of Buddhist meditation.

He wrote that he came to the point where he realized that he didn't need to meditate as a Buddhist. He could meditate in his own spiritual tradition which was Christian. I used to call myself a Christian Agnostic which Cindy (my wife) said was silly. You can't be an agnostic and Christian at the same time. I have come to think she's probably right. Like Columbo talking about Mrs. Columbo I've come to think that Mrs. Snead might have some points about stuff. Not always. But sometimes.

But, even though I don't really believe in religion these days I do think treating others as you would like them to treat you is a good way to live. I'm also partial to the Christian concept of the Divine becoming flesh out of love for us naked apes. So, I don't think I'll be joining the Baptist Church again but I'm not into the hopelessness of everything being based on a sperm lottery either.

Anyway, I try to be a little more like Columbo these days. Listen more and talk less and allow people to be human. Being human to me means that I make mistakes. I can be vulgar and lustful and self centered. Greedy and deceitful and hurtful. Being human to me means I can be self sacrificing and giving. I can be forgiving and love without expecting anything in return or demanding anything in return. In other words being human is being able to calm myself and try to understand how the other person might be feeling.

So, I try to give people room to be human. I try not to hate or get so offended that I have no regard for the other persons well being at all. It's not something I always manage. But, I have found that if you just go on with your life and don't wait on a chance for revenge that it makes you life better. That way you can get on with living instead of being stuck looking over your shoulder waiting for the jerk that hurt you so badly to get paid back.

I have lived over six decades this time around on earth. I personally do have spiritual beliefs and they are hard earned and still evolving. I can also well understand how someone can have no belief at all in anything or anyone. But, in my experience there is a purpose for this experience. I'm not sure how to put it in a neat little one size fits all package. I don't even want to do that.

I remember many years ago when Cindy and I were dating or just married. I don't know it's been so long. But, I made an ass out of myself once at a restaurant. Anyway, not long ago I read something on the internet where somebody said a certain celebrity was rude once when they saw them in public. I remember thinking that I'm certainly not famous. But, I am a nice person. I try to treat people the way I want to be treated. But, if long ago you had asked a waitress at that restaurant about me she would have said "Him? He's a jerk." That's because I had a bad day. I'm not a jerk and I wish I could go back twenty five years and apologise. But, maybe that celebrity isn't really a jerk either. Maybe they were just having a bad day when that person who posted on the internet saw them. I guess I say that to say this. Give everybody room to be human and give yourself room to be human. You can get back up if you fall down. It's allowed.

Oh, and just one more thing.
Don't forget to Breathe.

Peace.

I saw a deadhead sticker on a cadillac.

    I know times change and I don't like to judge people when I'm not in their shoes. It seems to me that my generation might be the last one that defined itself with Rock and Roll. Or good old Motown Soul. I know, I know. Those under 45 or so can say it. "Okay Boomer!" But, in a way I think it's true. In the days before social media and a world connected by the internet our hero's were godlike. You  didn't really see Mick Jagger or James Brown unless you caught a late night TV edition of Don Kirchners Rock Concert. Or a new album cover or an edition of Rolling Stone at the newstand. 

All I ever really needed to know I learned by listening to the radio. Trips to the record store to buy the whole damn album just to get one or two songs that I really liked. Unless it was the Eagles. I never met an Eagles song I didn't like. So in these days of political and religious turmoil and people yelling at each other and talking over each other I thought I'd list some things that I like. Things that help me find my inner Zen. My comfort. My center. 

 I have a different relationship with music though. When I listen to it then I really listen to it. Crank it up and go. I'm not one of those people that like things in my ear all day long. So, even though I can define my youth with certain songs. I get distracted with something playing in the background all day. I'm an introvert and I love to be quiet at times and just meditate, pray or think. Or read a good book. Watch a movie. Man, once I start listing I can go on and on. But, back to the subject.

Also, I play guitar (not well, but I entertain myself) and plunk at chording the piano. So, music is a little bit interactive to me. I always want to play (not that I can) everything that I hear. But, I started to think today after reading another internet post or several about the (Inbred Trumptards and the Idiot Libtards that are ruining our nation.) The people that love Jesus but have no problem slandering and not checking sources before posting crap. The people who love tolerance but want to silence all old white men and conservatives. Yeah, y'all know who you are. So, I thought I'd kind of chill and list some things I like. So, I thought I'd start with songs that influenced my youth or made me smile. Not my absolute favorite songs. But, songs that had an impact because of where I was or what I was doing at the time I first heard them.

1. Hotel California: Not the first song of my youth. I was already getting ready to graduate or maybe I already had. I really don't remember. It's not even my absolute favorite song. But, I love the guitar runs and when I did learn to at least play it where it was obvious that I was playing it. It made me smile. It's also the  title track of the first album the Eagles released after Joe Walsh joined the band. 

2. Midnight Train to Georgia: Again, not my all time favorite song. But when Gladys Knight hits those notes. That little soulful hmmm Y'all. Then you know you are in the hands of a true artist. The Pips are backing her up and everybody's moving and that train is rolling. It's the song I want played at my funeral or memorial if I have one. Cause I don't know about Georgia but I'll be on a train to another place and time.

3.Day after Day: I love this Badfinger song from the early 70's. I went to General Forrest Junior HIgh which of course fed into Emma Sansom High School in Gadsden, Alabama. Back then people didn't lose their minds every time ....No, I'm not going there. Anyway, I understand the arguments and political correctness isn't always wrong. But, this is a happy place. Anyway, there I am in the gym and this song starts playing. " I remember finding out about you." Then I'm looking across the gym and my sisters best friend and one of my best friends (same girl) all of a sudden looks kind of different. Something interesting was happening. But, that couldn't be. We had played as kids together and I had no romantic feelings for her. Anyway, this song stuck with me.

4. Hang on Sloopy: The McCoys.  Now, this one is really old. I was a little kid and I didn't buy records or even really know much about music. I mean I knew who the Beatles were and I could have named Elvis Presley. But, this song was playing one day while I was at my friends house and I think we may have even been in a tree house in the back yard. Memory is fuzzy. "Hang on Sloopy, Sloopy, hang on"

5. Dizzy: Tommy Roe: I was in Walnut Park Elementary School when this one came out. It was the first song I can remember calling "my favorite." No, it's not now. But, it was then. 

6. Slow Ride: Foghat: I can remember a beer and pot fueled summer of my wasted youth. Riding around with this one turned up. Anyway, yeah it brings back memories. Some I can't and wouldn't share here. "Slow Ride, take it easy."

7. Good Day in Hell: Eagles: Similar to Slow Ride in that it brings back memories of my youth but not in a real fun way. I wanted out of the small town of my grandparents and I wanted to be anywhere except where I was. Funny, because I miss that small town now and I think it's not so bad a place to live. It all depends on your mindset. But, anyway this one was my anthem for a little while in my wasted youth.

8. God of Thunder: Kiss: Man, I thought this was so cool back in the day. I listened to my Kiss "Destroyer" CD not long ago. But, it doesn't  hold up. It sounds a little silly and the band wasn't that good and the vocals are not really tight. But, if you were a stoned teenager in the 70's it was kick ass man. 

9. Ahab the Arab: Ray Stevens: This was an old novelty song by Ray Stevens that was old by the time I was a teenager. I mean at least 14 or 15 years old by the time I was listening to it. For some reason a local radio station played it for a little while one summer in my youth. Stoned and stupid is no way to go through life. Thankfully, I found that out before it was too late. But, for a little while and for other reasons I won't go into this song was on my hit list.

10: The Highway Man: Stevie Nicks. From the Belladonna Album. I was finally growing up a little bit. Escaping slowly from a youth that was hard to grow out of. This song connected with me in lot's of ways. I was starting to consider some different spiritual opinions and this song spoke to me of "Life already lived before." I learned to play it and I didn't play it well. But, like most amatuer guitar players I play for myself anyway. Love Stevie Nicks.

 So there you have it. I would urge you to take a break from the just so stories of your politics and don't forget to breathe. 

Peace.