Heart Like a Wheel

 I was doing a guided meditation late yesterday afternoon. I found myself with a little story based loosely on certain memories that I had as a child. I just kind of let it play out in my mind's eye. So, the following is not a "gospel" according to Steve. It's an exercise in watching my thoughts and then just following them down the rabbit hole.

  The old man know's that this is the day. He's had a long life. But, it's had it's share of bitterness and even violence. He's lost more than he care's to think about along the way. He's upstairs and looks at his empty room. It has a bed which he refuses to die in. It's not empty of furniture and memories of the past. It just seems empty of any useful company or hope in recent years. It still has the wardrobe and the dressers and the mirror. That was their bed. He walks out on the landing and starts down the stairs.

The house is old now. Everything is old now. The giant grandfather clock is ticking. It's loud. When did it get so damn loud and why has he let it tick all these years? Oh well, she liked it. No, don't go there. Impatient all his life. He just had to have what he wanted when he wanted it. Now look. Damn loud clock!

There is the chair he must have been sitting in everyday for the past nine or ten years. A little fire in the fireplace. He likes a fire. Fires are violent and consume anything that gets in the way. He settles in the chair and know's his wait isn't going to be long. He finds himself floating. He floats above the old man in the chair. Strange because there is some connection to that old man. But, now it just looks like a dead body. Anyway, floating is so much more peaceful and honestly it feels natural. As if he has always had this ability but just didn't use it.

  Hey, where am I? I was just seeing an old man. Who are you? My what? Who? You are so bright but that light is so peaceful. I want to go home. I don't want to leave. Hey, where is she and where are all the others? I came here with them you know. I remember now. What? But, that will take forever if they are going back I don't want to wait here.

 I know. I have not shown much patience. But, I have none to show! I need to see  all of them now. I will go back. If they are late then I'll wait for them. Just let me go back.

They will be my parents? Her and him? Really? They don't care enough for each other. They won't care enough to nurture me or at least one of them will try but it's not going to be easy. That body? Wait. I'm strong and tall and I get what I want. That body won't do. Well, if I have to I guess it will have to work won't it? Them as my grandparents? Well that makes more sense. We have had some good relationships. Anyway, it's awfully early. You're sure?

  Patience? I will learn patience? That shouldn't be so hard. I'll remember. No? Why not? I understand. How will I meet up with? No? You mean the relationships will be different and that I might now even live around my tribe? Then what's the point of patience? Oh, that is the point.

Alright, I'm ready. But, I'll tell you one thing. I'm going to remember at least some of it. Good luck? What does that mean?

  So warm and secure now. I feel the rhythm of her breathing. The beating of her heart. I'm not so sure about the physical structure of this body but right now I don't have to worry. Her's will sustain me for some months now. Time again! What a joke. There is no time. But, right now I'm going to sleep. I think I'll let the body take over. After all there will be plenty of time to remember once I come out of the womb. It's not my first rodeo and I need to get started. But, first. I think I'll kind of lie back here and let the process take over. To sleep. Perchance to dream.

So, as I meditated and noticed my breathing I had the thought. I'm old again. It went so fast. But, here I am again.

That was based loosely on a memory I had as a child. I can barely remember details now. But, I would ask my mother "Who was that old man?" She would always say "Stephen stop talking crazy and go out and play." After all I was raised by my very devout Christian grandmother for the most part and my grandfather who loved me more than his own kid's. But, the concept of reincarnation wasn't a part of my upbringing.

  These days I have room and time to wonder. I don't absolutely know what happens at death. If you want the truth and I know it's hard to swallow. Nobody from Carl Sagan to Billy Graham ( except now. Maybe they both know now) But, nobody walking the earth really and truly knows. But, these are things I've pondered my whole life. So, I just kind of let my thoughts go yesterday and today I wrote it down. How much is fiction? Most all of it. But, how much is based on reality? I'm still on the journey. I'll find out. Again?

Maybe life is a dream and when we die we wake up!

Peace!



Peace!