Past, present and being here now

 Be here now...Ram Dass

  I think a lot about my past. My misspent youth. Religion, marijuana, beer, agnosticism. Back to religion, moderation and just being. People, it seems to me run from the past. I did for a long time. If I could just ignore it then it didn't happen.

And I thought happiness was Lubbock, Texas in my rearview mirror...Mac Davis

I remember thinking about this song. Lubbock in my rearview mirror. I was damn sure I wanted rural Alabama in my rearview mirror. Just erase it from my memory. I didn't get the girl, the gold watch or anything else. So I'd just forget I was ever there and ward off all thought of it like warding off the evil eye. It couldn't get back on me if I didn't acknowledge it.

Wherever you go there you are...old saying

I even decided once I got a girl to never take her back to the places of my past. But the past is funny in that it's constant. You can say "I'm not the same person" but you are. There's a scene in "Baby Jane" where Betty Davis character says to Joan Crawford's character in a New England drawl "But ya are Blanch. Ya are in that chair " referring to Blanch saying if she wasn't in that chair. Substitute a Southern accent and my past is saying (But you are Steve. You are still the same person) 

After all. Tomorrow is another day...Scarlet O'hara

But when I began to understand that it wasn't rural Alabama or the South. It wasn't my mother divorcing or moving from a big school system to a small rural one. It wasn't because I didn't win the sperm lottery. It was how I reacted. I made it positive or negative. It was up to me. 

So you can lay there feeling sorry for yourself. Blame it all on me. But let me tell you something son. I messed up. I made mistakes. But you know what? I'd do it all again. So blame me and lie there or get up! It's up to you. ....actual gist of conversation between my mother and my young self.

I got up. Took awhile and some more ongoing screwups but I at least decided that I needed to take control of my own life. At least take responsibility.

Touch em all...baseball announcer after a homerun. 

So these days I touch all the bases including my past. My past is part of who I am. After all what is time? Maybe from the viewpoint of the architect of the universe (God) time is a river and already seen from end to end. So it's all important. You don't have to run from the past. But it's still flowing so you never completely leave it. I'm trying to flow with the river these days. 

As a matter of fact the only changes I'd make would be the way I've treated people and other creatures during my swim in the river of life. I wouldn't change one toke, one sip of beer or one alter call. If you're Southern that probably makes sense. But, if I could take back the cruelty of words I've said to others that hurt them. Take back rocks thrown at dogs and insensitivity to God's   creatures then I would. I really would. Because as I get older the faces and times are before me. I'm anxious to forgive and I like to believe that forgiveness freely given is freely returned back to me. 

But now happiness is Lubbock, Texas growing nearer and dearer...Mac Davis

I would never have believed it. But, I sure do wish I could step back to 1975 or a little earlier. I miss the little innocent North Alabama coal mining town of my grandparents. I sometimes think I need to go back and pick up something I dropped. But then again one day I'll find the main current of the river. I'll cross it and be home. Again. Until then I'll keep swimming. 

Peace!

man sitting in the sun. With gnats.

 I've had an odd week. Seeing how fragile life is. Loved ones are. I am. So this morning I walked out in the backyard. Sunny but a little cool. I found a chair and settled in a bright warm patch of sun.

Gnats were circling my head and I was feeling or seemed to feel every year of my life on this planet.

I started thinking and then started to type this on my phone.

One other thing. I was raised "in the church" as we say in the South. Honestly? It's been more blessing than curse. At least for me. But, I no longer follow the dogma. 

When I was a child I had a memory. Just a snippet. I told my mother of an old man. He had walked down some stairs and was sitting in a chair. He knew it was time. I knew I had a connection with that old man. My mother just said "hush. Go out and play."

So lots of thoughts were on my mind this week and this morning. My only real connection with hope is my inner prayers and meditations. I know we are more than these few beautiful, horrible, blessed and awful years we sometimes have on earth. 

Peace.

Who is that old dude. Pulling up a chair on a cool April morning? Dodging the shade and staying in the bright rays of the sun? Is the blood that thin? Don't the passions still rise. Those soft eyes and looks of the right jeans and halters on the girls from 1976? 

Or do they sit somewhere in the sun? Dodging the cool breeze that their warm Southern blood once craved? What happened to the Friday night beer runs and the Saturday afternoon strolls through the mall?

But this feels like it's come before. It feels like a wheel. Somewhere in a deeper dwelling the old men and the old women still remember they are that spark. That awareness.

But, it's late now. The chair in the sun Is temporary. But, so are the shadows of Winter. Somewhere ahead the road forks again. A new womb to the world opens and the old find everything is new again. 

A child looks at his hands. A child notices the color of her eyes. It feels brand new. A shadow and a chair. Must have been a dream. It's time to dance. 

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting: The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star, Hath had elsewhere its setting, And cometh from afar: Not in entire forgetfulness, And not in utter nakedness, But trailing clouds of glory do we come From God, who is our home: Heaven lies about us in our infancy...William Wordsworth.

Constant Reader

This particular blog will more than likely only interest me. But, then again that's likely true of all my ramblings. I was watching a young guy. Well young to me although he's likely somewhere between 35 and 42. But, I was watching his podcast because he is an actual book lover. I don't see as many these days. Even among authors I follow on Facebook and Twitter I see more posts about movies and TV than books. Not that there's anything wrong with that. This guy was ranking his favorite author's books. It just so happens that his favorite author is my favorite author. But, ranking books is subjective.

 Similar though not as intense to ranking songs. I remember where I was the first time I ever heard "Hotel California." I still remember the beer filled nights of Foghat's "Slow Ride" and Kiss doing "God of Thunder" smells like wacky terbacky to me. I have a bittersweet spot for a rainy night long ago when I hear "The Long and Winding Road. Music is intense for me. But. Back to the current blog. I thought I would rank my top Stephen King books. 

Do they still hold up? I think so. But, this ranking is about how I felt back in my younger days when I first read them. From my late teens with Carrie and Salem's Lot to my early 20's with The Stand. Now are these the best books Stephen King has ever written? Nah. Not according to most people although some will make the list. 

Other's don't. For instance "Misery" just didn't hold up. In all fairness I liked it fine when I first read it. But, it's a claustrophobic story and you know all the attempts at escape will fail until the very end. Still. Misery is a good character study. I just don't want to spend days and days stuck on a bed in a room. Although Gerald's Game did the chained to the bed pretty well. Anyway. I digress. Again. I also didn't care for 11/22/63. I know people loved this book. Classic King they called it. Riveting, great characters. Like stepping back in time. But my reaction? Meh. I started and stopped 3 or 4 times and then made myself finish it. I don't know why. I just didn't care for it.

 Lisey's Story. Ponderous and slow. Yawn. But, then I read it again a few years ago and loved it. Fell through the hole in the page. I still can't explain it. It's not among my favorites. But, I do think it's unappreciated. 

 So making a list of favorite anything is subjective. I love fruit cake but can't stand Bruce Springsteen. I prefer the Stones but understand the historical significance of The Beatles. I love the dude in The Big Lebowski but I also love the Eagles. I think there is something paranormal going on but I don't believe we are being visited by aliens from another planet. I have personal reasons for my belief in past lives but I think Bigfoot is bulls..t. So everything is subjective. 

The trick is to accept everything with a healthy dose of skepticism. Which is not the same thing as closed minded belief or non belief. Anyway. Here are my favorite books by my favorite author. 

 1. Salem's Lot. Rankings don't really count when it comes to my favorites. It's just a way to organize them. Except for Salem's Lot. This really is my favorite novel of all time. I honestly hated to see it end. I fell through the hole in the page and was immersed in this small New England Peyton Place for vampires. From the caretaker at the town dump shooting rats to the cemetery where the town employee finds a murdered dog on the cemetery fence. From the young writer and his girl to the town bully and the wise academic. I kept thinking "hey, this reminds me of a small Southern town." This was my first taste of Stephen King's Americana. I have re-read it in recent years. It still holds up. Not the same impact as my first read in a different time and place. But, it still works if you can imagine a time of no social media. No cell phones and no internet.

 2. The Shining This one is also a book that I did a re-read on the past several years. It Still holds up. Great ghost story and while unlike Stephen King. I love the Kubrick movie it's best not to have Jack Nicholson or Shelley Duvall in your head when reading it. Good luck with that. 

 3. Desperation One of the most underrated of the King books. This has really good dialog about the nature of God and good and evil. No. I wouldn't recommend it as a text on how to meet God or how to think about the concept. But outside the book of Job and the "just so" religious stories I found it made some pretty good points for discussion. Its not (Thank God) pun intended. A religious story. It's a good almost Lovecraftian horror story.

 4. Carrie Unlike The Shining It's okay if you picture Sissy Spacek when you read this. Told in flash back newspaper articles it's a unique story by a young author. I re-read this one a few years ago and it still holds up. Some will be uneasy at the religious fanaticism of the mother. It is uneasy since I still consider faith important in my own journey. But it's also spot on. So read at your own comfort level. Or don't. Still a good book.

 5. Christine I re-read this back around 1999 or 2000. It still held up then. I enjoy rock and roll and the young nerd overcoming a bully and getting the girl. Of course it doesn't end quite that neatly. But for a brief moment it looks like it could. This is a fun read. I don't read as much fiction as I once did. Also I don't get into horror as much as I did in my horror loving youth. Life is short and I'm easily distracted. 

I also try to meditate and breathe in the positive vibes of the universe. Unlike movies where I enjoy it for what it's worth and move on. Books are very personal for me. I tend to adopt the mood and worldview for as long as it takes while I'm immersed in a book. That might be why I prefer a fast moving police procedural or a old time detective story these days. Or better yet a non fiction (well. Depending on your worldview) book on UFO's or paranormal phenomena. I love old Hollywood and an old Hollywood "true ghost story" is right up my alley. Still. When Stephen King writes a book I'm there. Even when he journeys into cop stories or historical fiction I'll give it a try. I'll criticize it and tell you why it ain't as good as classic King. (insert wink here.) But. I'll be there as long as he writes them. Peace!

Fools, fanatics and MIC drops

"The whole problem with the world today is that fools and fanatics are so sure of themselves. And wise people are so full of doubts." Betrand Russell Holy Blather Batman! Is everybody turning into politicians? I remember several years ago hearing political ads on the car radio. I worked for my home county "Etowah" in Northeast Alabama and was fortunate that the job required work outside the office. Anhyway, every political season I would hear the politicans telling me how wonderful, corageous, progressive, conservative and vital they were. I thought "Ya know if aliens were monitoring our airwaves they would be thinking Wow! These earth beings are tremendous" Their leaders have it all figured out. What exceptional men and women they are. But I knew that we knew that it was political blather. I even heard a county commission candidate say he was pro life. Which is fine. But, I knew his duties getting potholes filled on Couinty Road 32 most likely wouldn't sway congress or the supreme court on the abortion issue. But, these were the old pioneer days of the 1980's and 90's. This geeneration has come a long way sine then. (insert heavy dose of sarcasm here.) I follow cerrain topics these days through the techlology of the world wide web. Don't get me wrong. I love it. People can coo ect and find their tribe Feel less isolated. But the information overload comes with very little wisdom. Folks say things online that they would never say face to face. At least I hope not. Although in some ways it's evened the plahying field becausxe you cna't be hit or shot by the angry person behind the keyboard. They have to use their wods instead of their fist. ON the other hand people slander and snark and instead of talking they post memes and links and echo chambers and the walk away with very little understanding of the other person. I love college football and I'm a fan of the ATlanta Braves baseball team I love reading anad hearing about paranormal stuff and via the internet I've found some really intellegent thinkers and researchers in consciousness. I follow classic rock and I pull of the news on my Fire tablet every morning. So I enjoy the interweb. But, wow people are so self righteous. I was on Twitter and came across a certain celebrity that I loved back in the day. She made a movie in the 70's about a Janice Joplin type rock star and I felt gave a tremendous perfomace. I also knew a certain young lady in my mispent youth that resembled this particular star back then and had a great figure. But, I'm no longer young or single so Imma hush about that. This celeb who I still have a warm spot in my heart foris contanstly making "Mic drop" comments aout politics and race. She's not the only one. I see it from both the left and the right. But here I am with all my quetions. I'm skeptical of what I believe and I'm skeptical of my skepticism. I'm always aware that I could be wrongh. There could be mmore to the story. Now that doesn't mean I don't have firm life experience and opinions and a worlview. My worldview is evoloving and hard earned. It took years of thought, reading, prayer and meditation to come to a place where I wasn't intimidated by the "authority" of other people's point of view be it science, religion or politics. I try to keep and open minded curiosity but in 65 yearx on the planet I have finally tuned some folks out. I no longer argue with atheists, fundamentalist Chrisitans and other folks that already have their minds made up. They have nothing new or in my opinion wise to share. So I don't argue with them. Not because I have it all fightred out. I don't. But, I've been there. Have the t-shirt and am no longer going back over already plowed ground. That includes the far right Trumpers and the far left woke mob. I am appalled at how much censorship is being accepted in my nation today. I see men and women who I admired since my youth for their books, music and art. They were the defenders of free speech and anti censorship. Now I see them wanting to cancel thoughts, books and speech that they deem indecent or politically incorrect. My grandmother once said it was better for a congregation not to know too much about the pastor. Because once they saw the human side and figured out the flaws they no longer listened to the teaching in the same way. With a clear mind. Instead they would be concentrating on the flaws of the man or woman doing the teaching. That also applies to some of our artist these days. Sometimes my favorite author or musican will tweet blather and self righteous proclamations and never seem to question their own opinion. At times like that I miss the old days when I din't know or care if they were Democrat of Republican. Left or right. I do think everyone including celebrities and sports stars have a right to their opinion. But they don't have a moral high ground to call for the removal of opinions and elections and states votes just because it makes them uncomfortable. Some years ago I was reading a review of a book by Rayond Moody. He wrote a ground breaking book inthe 70's on the Near Death Experience. Now it's fine to wonder and he gave some wonderful examples of people having hope beyond the death of the phsical brain. It's also fine to be skeptical and question the meaning.But, one snarky so called skeptic instead of engaging with the book and making legitimate points. Simply stated that "We know Moody is discredited because of mental health Issues." That was his little "Mic drop" IT didn't discredit Raymond Moody at all if you had any kind of thought process at all. But, by bringing up mental health the "skeptic" didn't have to wrestle with the meaning of life after death or the possibilty that Raymond Moody had actually discovered a true narrative. I found that to be common among certain skeptics. Sling mud and disparge the human and say their name in a derogatory manner instead of actually listening and discovering the truh for yourself. Whatever it might be. That also happens in politics a lot. Lets get the worst possible picture of Michelle Obama or Mrs. Trump and follow it with a sound byte or facebook meme that exaggerates their actual words and then sling mud. You know you can question critical race theory without being a racist. you can be pro choice without loving abortion. You can feel abortion is wrong without being a backwards hypocrite. YOu are an individual and "prvilege" is not simply a skin color. Oppressive countries don't allow free speech and right now we still have free speech in America. Jewish people were not allowed on TV and radio and awards shows to speak up and yell at Nazi's. So NO. YOu are not living in a Nazi like oppessive nation. God can't be taken out or put in schools. Some of y'all have God confused with Superman. If your God is angry about schools not fooloing a certain religion or if he is wringing his hands because people aren't praising him then guress what? Your god's too small. Jesus is no more an American that he is Japaneese or African. God isn't an American or an old man that's mad at you for being human. But, Imma get off this now because religion to me is very personal and people get offended quickly and I'm not here to force my beliefs on anybody else. Don't call me "Dear white people" because I'm not a white people. I'm Steve. Good to meet you. I'm not going to mistreat people and I don't judge you by the color of your skin or who you vote for. I have my opinons and I no longer have to suck up to bosses since I retired. I'm old now and I no longer have to impress women or suck in my gut or try to fit in. At this stage of my journey I feel it's very likely we are eternal God breathed or consiouness evolved beings. In other words. Expressions of Consiousness. Not an accident of chemical processes generated by the brain. poo I have my own relationship with spirit. My own medition and prayer life. I have no religion to push at you. No political one size fiths all and no hate towards any ethic group or anyone else. Peace.