Past, present and being here now

 Be here now...Ram Dass

  I think a lot about my past. My misspent youth. Religion, marijuana, beer, agnosticism. Back to religion, moderation and just being. People, it seems to me run from the past. I did for a long time. If I could just ignore it then it didn't happen.

And I thought happiness was Lubbock, Texas in my rearview mirror...Mac Davis

I remember thinking about this song. Lubbock in my rearview mirror. I was damn sure I wanted rural Alabama in my rearview mirror. Just erase it from my memory. I didn't get the girl, the gold watch or anything else. So I'd just forget I was ever there and ward off all thought of it like warding off the evil eye. It couldn't get back on me if I didn't acknowledge it.

Wherever you go there you are...old saying

I even decided once I got a girl to never take her back to the places of my past. But the past is funny in that it's constant. You can say "I'm not the same person" but you are. There's a scene in "Baby Jane" where Betty Davis character says to Joan Crawford's character in a New England drawl "But ya are Blanch. Ya are in that chair " referring to Blanch saying if she wasn't in that chair. Substitute a Southern accent and my past is saying (But you are Steve. You are still the same person) 

After all. Tomorrow is another day...Scarlet O'hara

But when I began to understand that it wasn't rural Alabama or the South. It wasn't my mother divorcing or moving from a big school system to a small rural one. It wasn't because I didn't win the sperm lottery. It was how I reacted. I made it positive or negative. It was up to me. 

So you can lay there feeling sorry for yourself. Blame it all on me. But let me tell you something son. I messed up. I made mistakes. But you know what? I'd do it all again. So blame me and lie there or get up! It's up to you. ....actual gist of conversation between my mother and my young self.

I got up. Took awhile and some more ongoing screwups but I at least decided that I needed to take control of my own life. At least take responsibility.

Touch em all...baseball announcer after a homerun. 

So these days I touch all the bases including my past. My past is part of who I am. After all what is time? Maybe from the viewpoint of the architect of the universe (God) time is a river and already seen from end to end. So it's all important. You don't have to run from the past. But it's still flowing so you never completely leave it. I'm trying to flow with the river these days. 

As a matter of fact the only changes I'd make would be the way I've treated people and other creatures during my swim in the river of life. I wouldn't change one toke, one sip of beer or one alter call. If you're Southern that probably makes sense. But, if I could take back the cruelty of words I've said to others that hurt them. Take back rocks thrown at dogs and insensitivity to God's   creatures then I would. I really would. Because as I get older the faces and times are before me. I'm anxious to forgive and I like to believe that forgiveness freely given is freely returned back to me. 

But now happiness is Lubbock, Texas growing nearer and dearer...Mac Davis

I would never have believed it. But, I sure do wish I could step back to 1975 or a little earlier. I miss the little innocent North Alabama coal mining town of my grandparents. I sometimes think I need to go back and pick up something I dropped. But then again one day I'll find the main current of the river. I'll cross it and be home. Again. Until then I'll keep swimming. 

Peace!