Be here now. I hear that a lot. The past is gone and all we have is today. When the devil brings up my past God reminds me of my future. We have only this moment. I'm a different person now. These are all well and good. I don't have a problem with living right now.
But, my past is entwined with who I am. Where I've been has molded me and taught me and has left scars that I carry with me to where I am now and where I'm going. I don't want to forget my past. I learned from it.
As a matter of fact I love that little long haired lost teenager more now than I did then. That's because I understand him better now.
I'm still the same person that has always looked out of these eyes. I'm more experienced now. I have more inner tools to deal with life now. I react with a little more calm and a little more reason and wisdom now. But, I'm still here.
I miss the people I used to take for granted. I'm sorry it took me so long to wake up. But, it's part of who I am. I think about my past a lot. I no longer run from it.
I won't go into the details now. But, when I hear some upper class millennial running their mouth about old white men and privilege I always think: ya know if you had of lived my "privilege" you would most likely be curled up in the corner sucking your thumb and waiting for death or insanity to take you. Don't Ever judge me on my skin color. You don't know where I've been or the dark hole I've climbed out of.
That being said I am thankful for every breath I draw. Not because I think when I die I'll be obliterated. I don't. Not because I believe an angry old man in the sky will condemn me. I don't. But, because every breath here is a gift and it will be a part of my past in an infinite journey.
I don't regret my past these day's. How much did I used to regret it? Well when I first got a job in my home County and was finally doing well I once heard someone behind me calling my name.
But, I was so scarred from my past that I didn't look back. Not because I didn't hear them and not because I was a jerk. But, because I didn't want to hear from my past. That voice was from the past. I've always regretted that because whoever it was they were trying to greet me. I was being a jerk. I wasn't trying to be. But, in my headlong running from My past I was being a jerk.
So I no longer run from my past. I don't live in it. But I take the good and the hope of it and treasure it. I don't forget where I come from.
The only way back is forward...Dean Koontz
I feel that if I keep going forward the circle of life will bring me back around to my eternal tribe. So I keep going because somewhere my past, present and future will meet and I'll know myself for the first time. Again.
I'm a bit of a baseball history buff. I can't tell you the 2021 All-star team. But, I can tell you the 1971 pitching staff of the Baltimore Orioles and I'm an Atlanta Braves fan. But baseball has an old cliche after hitting a homerun. "Touch em all." that means when you round those bases you touch every base even though you have a free pass home. You can't skip first just because your heading home.
That's how I feel about the past these days. As I pass the years towards home I want to touch em all. Past, present, future and Home!
I started this particular blog after playing my guitar. That happens sometimes. When I pick it up and strike that first chord my life passes before me. I'm 6 years old listening to my mother sing country music. Then I'm 13 listening to Badfinger and looking at a girl in my Jr. High gym. Then I'm 19 stoned and cranking up Foghat in the late 70's. Then I'm 42 and playing Vinyard worship songs and then I'm 64 and trying to croak out the lyrics to my old favorite Southern Rock songs.
But, I'm touching em all.
Peace
