Me and Jesus go to WalMart

 So Cindy gets up and says it's going to rain and I need to get groceries. I said great. I'll be here when you get back. So off she goes and I think "ya know if she hadn't already left I think I'd go with her." Just to get my steps in. Well about that time she comes back in. She forgot something. So true to my word. I pop up and say I'll go with you.

So there I am walking inside the Super Center looking at caps, movies and getting my steps in. All of a sudden I feel an intense presence.

Well. Fancy meeting you here. Since I left church and fundi religion we don't talk as much. 

Well. Who's fault is that? We decided a long time ago that you didn't have to get permission from priest, preachers or other fools to talk with me.

Yeah I know. But they seem to claim the "orthodox" faith when it comes to you.

Orthodoxy? Really? Do you know my story? Those guys killed me. 

I know. They had me pretty wrapped up at one time. Anyway I'm glad to see you. Been too long. I needed a reminder that Source cares enough to put on flesh and join this tragic, funny, wonderful, awful dance of life.

Well look in the mirror. You can see source in your own eyes. Even in a puppies eyes. With all the war and anger and self righteous liberal vs conservative vs race vs pronouns I just wanted to tap you on the shoulder. 

Thanks! I needed that. Even us heretics and former fundies need a reminder that this is a journey. Not the destination. 

Peace!

Heart like a wheel

 Well I spent my whole lifetime

In a world where the sunshine
Finds excuses for not hangin' 'round

I was around 16 years old when Linda Ronstadt included this song on her album "Heart like a Wheel"

I squandered emotions
On the slightest of notions
And the first easy loving I found
But soon all the good times
The gay times and play times
Like colors run together and fade
Oh Lord if you hear me
Touch me and hold me
And keep me from blowing away

I would eventually teach myself how to play this song on my acoustic guitar. By the time I was 18 I thought I had lived through enough to understand the lyrics. My older self thinks of that and wants to kick my younger self's....oh well. They say youth is wasted on the young.

There's times when I trembled
When my mind remembered
The days that just crumbled away
With nothing to show
But these lines that I know
Are beginning to show in my face

It ain't though. Youth is lived by the young and often regretted by the old. But, that's what makes it youth. The living of it. The casual throwing away of sunny days by the idiocy of youthful inexperience. Still the memories are still there. And finally you get old enough to think old regrets are just as silly as youthful mistakes. 

Oh Lord if you're listening
I know I'm no Christian
And I ain't got much coming to me
So send down some sunshine
Throw out your lifeline
And keep me from blowing away

I'm old enough now to know someone's listening. At least that's what my deepest life experience tells me. But, you have to keep yourself from blowing away. At least I finally came to a place where I decided I wasn't a victim. 

Oh Lord if you hear me
Touch me and hold me
And keep me from blowing away

I love the album and this particular song. Life is kind of a Wheel. Buddhist say we can escape the cycle through good karma. But, I don't think there is anything to be escaped from. I personally feel we all are on an eternal journey. Maybe that's what the universe is about. In some form or another. Some incarnation or journey in consciousness it's all made for us. I like to think that's true. That there are always more journeys of spirit and more beings than are thought of in our various philosophy, science and religions. 

Peace!

Meditation

   Relax your body. Breathe in. Concentrate on your breath. On the inhale say "let." On the exhale say "go." Let...Go.....Guided meditation

Here I am again. Thoughts swirl through my mind. Hang on. I gotta pee. Okay. Wait the volume is to low. Okay. Now. Wait. To loud. Alright. Relax. Dang my hand is tingling again and my leg is uncomfortable. Alright. Now. my eyes are closed. My meditation mask is over my eyes. Monkey mind is quieting down. Body slowing down. Stop. No thought. Just be. Just let the thoughts go by. Stop trying to figure it out.

Finally. Watching the thoughts. Calling to you. Remembering who I am. Understanding what I can't put into words without them sounding silly and religious and new agey. NO Thought. No words can explain. Just be.

I can't be destroyed because I didn't start with the body. You can't lose me because I'm literally a part of you. But, how do I come to your presence? Some come as if you are a stern parent or school teacher and they are a naughty child. Some come as if you are a stern judge and they are guilty of criminal offense. Some think this whole thing is a mistake of random chance and one day the organism will evolve until it destroys itself signifying nothing and finally there will be only oblivion unless or until another mistake happens and some other organism evolves towards oblivion.

I Am! That's all there is. I AM. No beginning and no ending. I'm a part of you. Not an adopted child because I say the magic words of a scripture. Not a cosmic by product of nothing producing nothing. I can't be lost like an old man losing a penny out of his pocket. 

Grateful. Thankful. Being. 

Meditation is over. My butt itches. I have to go to the bathroom. I need to make sure people like me. Do I have enough money? What time is it? I'm feeling horny, old, tired, bored, sick, healthy. Now what was I doing a little while ago? Meditating? Well. Maybe I'll do it again and maybe I can remember the state where I'm eternal and not afraid. But, right now I have to make sure I'm in control.

Make sure my religion is spread to everyone else. That my political party has power and that the world is still going. After all it depends on me and my religious and political values. Right? 

Just Breathe.

Ramblings

 

Saturday! In my youth Friday evening I would feel it. The blood would run hot. Saturday was coming. Pony Miller's, warm smell of a doobie and blondes in halter tops and short short's. I would most likely be heartbroken, drunk or stoned at the end of Saturday night. But, when Saturday started all bets were off. 

I hate it when people say the past doesn't matter. Of course it matters. I have loved ones and old loves back there. Sometimes I think I need to step back to 1975 or so and pick up something I dropped. Just a sec while I reach back.

Of course our past defines us. Who we were. What we loved and the battles we survived. Now there is a huge difference in acknowledging the past and living in it. I live in the present moment. I'd look pretty damn silly wearing bell bottoms and a Panama Red pot t-shirt at 65 years old. Not to mention what a beer keg would do to my heart or a bag of reefer would do to my lungs. Drunk, stupid and stuck in the past is no way to go through life.

But, if I ever loved you then I didn't stop just because of the passing of years. The people who have passed and the ones who are now separated by the miles and years are still precious to me. But, we get older. We fall in love with our children and hopefully their children. We love people that we never even knew were in the world during our teenage years. 

I ran from my past for many years. I even stopped listening to music at one time. My past was hurtful, disappointing and I felt helpless in it. One of the worst times was coming out of the hurt in my early 30's. A voice I could barely remember and not really recognize called me by my high school nickname. I never even turned around. 

I regret that now. I wonder all these years later which old friend was calling to me and wanting to say hi. But, I was in the middle of Gadsden the city of my birth. I was heading to work at the County courthouse. So I wasn't going to look back to find out who that voice was from my past.

I'm so sorry now. I can't tell that person that I really wasn't a jerk. I was just still a scared kid deep inside running from ghosts and denying the emotions that needed to be let out.

I found my voice eventually and was able to accept my whole life. To make peace with who I am and to stop running. So before people yell white privilege or entitled they need to think. You don't know and personally I ain't telling. What someone has gone through.

I think at times people now who try to preach at me about my spiritual life. Or those who poo poo my spiritual convictions don't understand why their quoting the bible or the latest TV preacher doesn't shake me. Some don't understand why their logic and idea of philosophy doesn't move me off my inner certainty of Higher being/God/Spirit.

It's not because I despise the Christianity of my youth. It's not because I don't understand logic or the scientific method. It's because my worldview is hard earned. Really hard won and still evolving. Are you a born again bible thumping Christian? Fine. I love you and will treat you with respect. But I been there. Got the t-shirt and ain't going back. 

Are you a hardened absolute atheist that despises the very concept of a spiritual reality? I ain't going to argue with you or spend time explaining myself to you. I don't have any burden of proof that i must give you. I walked through that. Refused the t-shirt and I'm good with my own life experience.

So I don't argue with fundamentalist be they religious or anti religion. I do love to talk about the what if possibilities of reality. I can discuss religion, politics, consciousness, sexuality, books, movies and music. But, I can't put the universe and all reality in a nice little box and tie a bow on it. Once you start telling me the will of God or calling me a racist, redneck, libtard, inbred or baby killer then the conversation is over.

We don't have to agree on everything. I don't like to treat political parties like my favorite football team. I think we should hold them all accountable. Make your politician tell you how they are going to tackle healthcare and poverty and war veteran PTSD. And when they start yelling Race, abortion and sexual politics tell them to fix the homeless vet problem. The medical access problem. The general welfare of the nation problem. 

We are all Being distracted. While you worry if Willie can marry Sam your Gawd fearing political masters are giving themselves another raise and snuggling up to big oil and big pharma 

Anyway. Just some off the cuff rambling on my part. 

Peace