Ramblings

 

Saturday! In my youth Friday evening I would feel it. The blood would run hot. Saturday was coming. Pony Miller's, warm smell of a doobie and blondes in halter tops and short short's. I would most likely be heartbroken, drunk or stoned at the end of Saturday night. But, when Saturday started all bets were off. 

I hate it when people say the past doesn't matter. Of course it matters. I have loved ones and old loves back there. Sometimes I think I need to step back to 1975 or so and pick up something I dropped. Just a sec while I reach back.

Of course our past defines us. Who we were. What we loved and the battles we survived. Now there is a huge difference in acknowledging the past and living in it. I live in the present moment. I'd look pretty damn silly wearing bell bottoms and a Panama Red pot t-shirt at 65 years old. Not to mention what a beer keg would do to my heart or a bag of reefer would do to my lungs. Drunk, stupid and stuck in the past is no way to go through life.

But, if I ever loved you then I didn't stop just because of the passing of years. The people who have passed and the ones who are now separated by the miles and years are still precious to me. But, we get older. We fall in love with our children and hopefully their children. We love people that we never even knew were in the world during our teenage years. 

I ran from my past for many years. I even stopped listening to music at one time. My past was hurtful, disappointing and I felt helpless in it. One of the worst times was coming out of the hurt in my early 30's. A voice I could barely remember and not really recognize called me by my high school nickname. I never even turned around. 

I regret that now. I wonder all these years later which old friend was calling to me and wanting to say hi. But, I was in the middle of Gadsden the city of my birth. I was heading to work at the County courthouse. So I wasn't going to look back to find out who that voice was from my past.

I'm so sorry now. I can't tell that person that I really wasn't a jerk. I was just still a scared kid deep inside running from ghosts and denying the emotions that needed to be let out.

I found my voice eventually and was able to accept my whole life. To make peace with who I am and to stop running. So before people yell white privilege or entitled they need to think. You don't know and personally I ain't telling. What someone has gone through.

I think at times people now who try to preach at me about my spiritual life. Or those who poo poo my spiritual convictions don't understand why their quoting the bible or the latest TV preacher doesn't shake me. Some don't understand why their logic and idea of philosophy doesn't move me off my inner certainty of Higher being/God/Spirit.

It's not because I despise the Christianity of my youth. It's not because I don't understand logic or the scientific method. It's because my worldview is hard earned. Really hard won and still evolving. Are you a born again bible thumping Christian? Fine. I love you and will treat you with respect. But I been there. Got the t-shirt and ain't going back. 

Are you a hardened absolute atheist that despises the very concept of a spiritual reality? I ain't going to argue with you or spend time explaining myself to you. I don't have any burden of proof that i must give you. I walked through that. Refused the t-shirt and I'm good with my own life experience.

So I don't argue with fundamentalist be they religious or anti religion. I do love to talk about the what if possibilities of reality. I can discuss religion, politics, consciousness, sexuality, books, movies and music. But, I can't put the universe and all reality in a nice little box and tie a bow on it. Once you start telling me the will of God or calling me a racist, redneck, libtard, inbred or baby killer then the conversation is over.

We don't have to agree on everything. I don't like to treat political parties like my favorite football team. I think we should hold them all accountable. Make your politician tell you how they are going to tackle healthcare and poverty and war veteran PTSD. And when they start yelling Race, abortion and sexual politics tell them to fix the homeless vet problem. The medical access problem. The general welfare of the nation problem. 

We are all Being distracted. While you worry if Willie can marry Sam your Gawd fearing political masters are giving themselves another raise and snuggling up to big oil and big pharma 

Anyway. Just some off the cuff rambling on my part. 

Peace