Saturday, May 7, 2022

Vague Soul

 there I am pondering my late Fall or early Winter journey through life. Important stuff like will Alabama win another national championship or two in my remaining time on earth. Also stuff like who was the better front man Mick Jagger or Freddie Mercury. How even at my advanced age pretty women are still eye catching and should I meditate sitting up or lying down? The usual thoughts that a person has along with the random "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?" can we ever really know?


  Then outta nowhere I see a post by a person talking about a "Vague God" and how we can't worship God if he's vague to us. Now I finally decided some time ago not to argue with atheists and devout Christians. I'm not an atheist (just doesn't seem likely to me from my own journey) and I'm not a born again fire and brimstone Christian. (been there. Got the t-shirt.) So I wasn't much interested in getting into theological arguments. I'm still not.

But it got me thinking. Which at least got my mind off of women and tootsie roll pops for a few minutes. There's a great line in there somewhere but I don't feel clever enough to find it right now.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Vague God's and what am I doing here? 

The thing is. I'm not sure just what I am. Having heart surgery a few years ago really messed with my sense of identity. It's hard to explain but it weirded me out to think I had a valve all of my life up until a little over 60 years old. Then they threw it away. Now there is another valve there and it came from a cow. 

I know. It sounds odd but trust me. You or at least I woke up feeling like something was taken from me and i was a little angry and confused. Thankful? YES! But, still I had moments of depression and my temper and patience was really thin. Being a social worker I knew my mouth was going to overload my butt with administrative people if I didn't retire soon. 

But, back to thoughts of vagueness and what I am. I came to think about them cutting me open and I thought about where I had been during surgery and what they had found. Now here's the thing. I wasn't obliterated but I also wasn't conscious of what was going on around me. Maybe I was in a holding pattern. I do know that at some point after I had recovered and gone home I had a white light experience during a meditative state between sleeping and waking. But during surgery? No real memory. They didn't find anything in my body that was me. So I began to think about who or what I was.

I have read some Buddhist writings that resonate with me. But, it's missing something. For me the Christian concept of God manifesting in the flesh still works better. No matter what I might think of Christian theology which doesn't work (for me) I was also struck by "Autobiography of a Yogi" which didn't always resonate but chapter 43 alone was worth the trip.

Still. What was I? I was pretty sure that killing the ego and becoming nothing wasn't and isn't something I ever want to aspire to. (Sorry Buddha) Still what was I when I was under anesthesia? What was I when I found myself in pure white light? Well in surgery I wasn't obliterated. In the light I wasn't a body. Or at least not in this one. So it got me thinking. If you could "find the soul" then it could be killed. So the soul was not a thing. Not a wet organism in your head. Not something tied up inside the body. It is "No Thing" which is much different from nothing.

  So I started to think that the theologian arguing against a Vague concept of God was wrong. We don't even know what we are. So how can we define God in a concrete manner? 

We have to be vague. We have to use words like love and intent. Words like Son/Daughter of God. It's also how come we are So easily convinced of wrath and eternal judgement. Because we want or think eternity is a thing. A place in a Newtonian physics driven world. When in reality we are talking about "No Thing"

So there I was with a scrunched up brow and a Vague headache. But, at least I knew I could stop trying to win the argument with atheists, preachers and other fools. 

Because I knew one thing. I was much more than nothing. That like God. Like the male and female aspects of the Divine. I was just as much a fool and just as wise as anyone else. I was and am pure aware "No Thing."

If you read this far and haven't called mental health or unfriended me I thank you. 

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