Highways and dreams.

 Summertime, time, time child, and the livings easy...Janis Joplin

Heading out on an August day. Thinking about life. It's gone by fast. I'm heading to Birmingham towards a Cardiology appointment. Can that even be real?  I'm 64 and that sure as heck don't seem real. But here I am. This has been a hot and humid Summer. 

Old man look at my life. I'm a lot like you were...Neil Young

I loved Summer in my youth. Before heart issues and blood thinners and gray hair. Hot? Why I'm from Aladamnbama. I laughed at the heat. Humidity? I didn't even notice it. But now? It's hard to catch my breath. It's gonna be hot this afternoon. Traffic and Birmingham humidity. But not right now. It's early morning with an overcast sky and the sun is mercifully behind the clouds. I'm cruising down I- 20/59 and once I hit that 459 exit and go around B-ham I'll be off the hot road. Now coming back this afternoon? Well, I just hope the air doesn't go out. 

Well this life that I lived. Took me everywhere. There ain't no place I ain't ever gone. ..Lynyrd Skynyrd.

This is about the time my 19 or 20 year old self would pop some old honk in the 8-track Lynyrd Skynyrd style. Turn it up! 

But, I'm not 19 and my mind is on my own sense of mortality. So I really wanted to talk with you for awhile. I have a different look or idea of you these day's. Matter of fact I find it hard to really envision you. Not because I doubt you're here. I'm more sure of that now than I was when I was devoutly Christian. It's just that you no longer fit in my box or anybody else's box. I don't even know what I am. 

I'll find a place to rest my spirit if I can. Perhaps I may become a highwayman again...Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Kris Kristofferson.

When I was a kid I would stand in front of a mirror. I would look at my reflection and think "I don't know who that is. But, I don't look like that." it's come full circle. Now, I remember my younger self and look at my old self and think. "I don't know who that fat little old man is. But, I don't look like that."

So what is life? I don't know. I'll tell you what I think. It's based on childhood memories and lucid dreams and my ongoing life long conversation with you. 

I think this is a dream. A persistent dream to be sure. But, still a dream. I sometimes think that if I could just get my body still and look at the edges I might actually see the reality just beyond this pale copy. 

Fly me high through the starry skies maybe to an astral plane...Dreamweaver "Gary Wright."

I understand that this conversation I'm writing down is also a pale copy of what I actually discussed with you today on the way to Birmingham. A wise lady said to me years ago. "Steve. There are some things you don't tell anybody but God." I've never forgotten that. So, the account I'm writing here will be a poor reflection of our actual conversation.

I mainly just need to capture the hope of our conversation. I had a lucid dream once. In that dream...

Last night I dreamed of heaven. That land so pure and sweet....Hank Williams

I wake up and realize my body is "back there" in bed. But, I'm walking in a red landscape. The sky is red and the ground has a reddish hue. Beside me is a robed figure. I know that he knows everything I could ever want to know. I asked him. "What is the dream?" 

I meant who is God? What am I? What is life and what is death? In dreams you just know your intent even if the words and images are symbolic. He said "You ask to much." meaning that I couldn't know all the secrets of the universe. Not even the ones that involved me. A single tear rolled down my cheek and I woke up. When I woke up there was an actual tear on my cheek. 

Beyond the door. There's peace for sure, and I know there'll be no more. Tears in Heaven...Eric Clapton

This was over 20 years ago and maybe closer to 30. But, I think I finally have a clue. Maybe life can't be put in a box. Maybe, like God it's too big for our finite brains to hold it. Maybe it's not a one size fits all. Maybe it wasn't that God refused to tell me. Maybe it's more than the mind of man can understand all at once. I'm still on the journey and it's infinite. 

Come on baby. Don't fear the reaper...Blue Oyster Cult.

Death. I admit I don't know what it is. But, I do know that every mother's child that ever came, crawled or was yanked from the womb has or will die or is dying. My very presence on this earth has been sacred and hellish and wonderful and horrible. But, I know that the universe is infinite and not insane. The fact that everyone dies tells me it's not evil or senseless. It's part of the journey. 

Put your hand in the hand of the man from Galilee....Ocean

The next time I see that figure I'm not going to ask what is the dream? I'm going to continue walking with him until morning comes. 

Peace.