Highways and dreams.

 Summertime, time, time child, and the livings easy...Janis Joplin

Heading out on an August day. Thinking about life. It's gone by fast. I'm heading to Birmingham towards a Cardiology appointment. Can that even be real?  I'm 64 and that sure as heck don't seem real. But here I am. This has been a hot and humid Summer. 

Old man look at my life. I'm a lot like you were...Neil Young

I loved Summer in my youth. Before heart issues and blood thinners and gray hair. Hot? Why I'm from Aladamnbama. I laughed at the heat. Humidity? I didn't even notice it. But now? It's hard to catch my breath. It's gonna be hot this afternoon. Traffic and Birmingham humidity. But not right now. It's early morning with an overcast sky and the sun is mercifully behind the clouds. I'm cruising down I- 20/59 and once I hit that 459 exit and go around B-ham I'll be off the hot road. Now coming back this afternoon? Well, I just hope the air doesn't go out. 

Well this life that I lived. Took me everywhere. There ain't no place I ain't ever gone. ..Lynyrd Skynyrd.

This is about the time my 19 or 20 year old self would pop some old honk in the 8-track Lynyrd Skynyrd style. Turn it up! 

But, I'm not 19 and my mind is on my own sense of mortality. So I really wanted to talk with you for awhile. I have a different look or idea of you these day's. Matter of fact I find it hard to really envision you. Not because I doubt you're here. I'm more sure of that now than I was when I was devoutly Christian. It's just that you no longer fit in my box or anybody else's box. I don't even know what I am. 

I'll find a place to rest my spirit if I can. Perhaps I may become a highwayman again...Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Kris Kristofferson.

When I was a kid I would stand in front of a mirror. I would look at my reflection and think "I don't know who that is. But, I don't look like that." it's come full circle. Now, I remember my younger self and look at my old self and think. "I don't know who that fat little old man is. But, I don't look like that."

So what is life? I don't know. I'll tell you what I think. It's based on childhood memories and lucid dreams and my ongoing life long conversation with you. 

I think this is a dream. A persistent dream to be sure. But, still a dream. I sometimes think that if I could just get my body still and look at the edges I might actually see the reality just beyond this pale copy. 

Fly me high through the starry skies maybe to an astral plane...Dreamweaver "Gary Wright."

I understand that this conversation I'm writing down is also a pale copy of what I actually discussed with you today on the way to Birmingham. A wise lady said to me years ago. "Steve. There are some things you don't tell anybody but God." I've never forgotten that. So, the account I'm writing here will be a poor reflection of our actual conversation.

I mainly just need to capture the hope of our conversation. I had a lucid dream once. In that dream...

Last night I dreamed of heaven. That land so pure and sweet....Hank Williams

I wake up and realize my body is "back there" in bed. But, I'm walking in a red landscape. The sky is red and the ground has a reddish hue. Beside me is a robed figure. I know that he knows everything I could ever want to know. I asked him. "What is the dream?" 

I meant who is God? What am I? What is life and what is death? In dreams you just know your intent even if the words and images are symbolic. He said "You ask to much." meaning that I couldn't know all the secrets of the universe. Not even the ones that involved me. A single tear rolled down my cheek and I woke up. When I woke up there was an actual tear on my cheek. 

Beyond the door. There's peace for sure, and I know there'll be no more. Tears in Heaven...Eric Clapton

This was over 20 years ago and maybe closer to 30. But, I think I finally have a clue. Maybe life can't be put in a box. Maybe, like God it's too big for our finite brains to hold it. Maybe it's not a one size fits all. Maybe it wasn't that God refused to tell me. Maybe it's more than the mind of man can understand all at once. I'm still on the journey and it's infinite. 

Come on baby. Don't fear the reaper...Blue Oyster Cult.

Death. I admit I don't know what it is. But, I do know that every mother's child that ever came, crawled or was yanked from the womb has or will die or is dying. My very presence on this earth has been sacred and hellish and wonderful and horrible. But, I know that the universe is infinite and not insane. The fact that everyone dies tells me it's not evil or senseless. It's part of the journey. 

Put your hand in the hand of the man from Galilee....Ocean

The next time I see that figure I'm not going to ask what is the dream? I'm going to continue walking with him until morning comes. 

Peace.

Billy Summers Book Review.

 

I've been a Constant Reader since I was 18 years old. I'm 64.   This is an above average novel. As a matter of fact if Dean Koontz (no offense intended) had written it i would call it a great story. For him and others including Michael Connely, John Sanford, ECT. But for King it's a good novel but not a unique Stephen King like vibe. This is the author who was elevated to the rarified air of rock star in his early career. Something unheard of back in the day. He well deserved it Because I remember thinking that nobody, nowhere could write like this. But somewhere along the way someone convinced him that he could write crime novels. Well, he can but, not all that well. I love film Noir and I enjoy reading a good police procedural. Stephen King can write a decent crime novel but it lacks the fire and unique voice of his early horror/Americana fiction.  Still if your looking for a decent Summer read this is a really good story.  But (there have to be but's) Stephen king no longer seems to have the ability to write with any emphathy at all for conservative characters. Still, it's mild here compared to some of his recent political rants. I say this as a left of center Trump despising Southern Democrat. We do still exist. But. Like I say it's fairly mild.  Stephen King these days reminds me of a love from my teenage years. She was incredibly gorgeous. I compared every other woman from my youth to her. They came up short. But, now? Even though she is even better character wise. She no longer turns heads in her 60's the way she did in her prime. Stephen King is like that now as a writer. Still better than most. I am still a Constant Reader. But, the passion and unique early to mid career King is a faded glory. Here be mild spoilers: The character of Alice while good and sympathetic is also forced into the story. It's highly unlikely that a man on the run would run out in his underwear to drag a girl into his apartment. Honestly? The guys looking for him in a mid size city wouldn't connect a date rape crime to a contract killers hide out. Did he go all over the neighborhood picking up after hoodlums and other distractions? Of course not. That would draw attention to himself. In reality he would call 9-11 at the most on his burner then make sure she was breathing and get the heck out Of Dodge.  Also, who leaves a mad mob momma running around outside a mobsters gate with a gun while he cold cocks her baby boy after discretely" entering the mobsters lair? Not to mention (though I will) going to a store in a wig for feminine supplies while leaving a traumatized young woman in the apartment.  In real life and even in fiction that would expose him to her running to the nearest police station or neighbor. Billy even thinks about it on the way to the store. Just a big plot hole not worthy of an author of Stephen Kings ability. Still, as I said before. It's a good story. Plot holes and all.

Meanwhile Back on Earth

 Woke up this morning with light in my eyes and then realized it was still dark outside. It was a light coming down from the sky. I don't know who or why...Mr. Spaceman..The Byrds.

What is life? I got into an intense discussion today with my wife and son. It all started as these things often do with a more or less silly statement that I made in regard to something that a scientist said about aliens. The subject of ufo's came up and since that is one of my interests and has been since I was a child I had to put in my two cents worth. Now Cindy is a bit of a science nerd on some things and I have to admit that I am ignorant of most higher math and science and my main claim to intellectual pursuit is my love of reading. Other than that I couldn't teach a 6th grade science class or a 4th grade math class. So, there was this scientist claiming that maybe aliens wouldn't even contact us if they could and that even if they exist they would be so far above us that we would be like ants to them and therefore they would have no interest in us. Also that they would be biological and look something like us because that is how the physical laws of the universe work.

I had the right to remain silent. But, I didn't have the ability...Ron White.

I should have let it go right there. But, being as I am a UFO buff and also a bit of a new age space cadet I had to point out the fallacy of the great scientist on both a scientific and spiritual level. After all I argued we don't know if the physical laws hold up all across the universe. Also, what if they are not the boring Star Trek aliens. What if they are evolved spiritually and consciously and maybe they  are coming from another dimension of reality and not a materialistic one where they have bigger toys but no real wisdom or empathy.. Now to be fair that's not where the discussion went completely off the rails. Also, I pointed out that chances are we wouldn't be like ants to them and that is a very arrogant and silly way that for some reason even our smartest scientist seem to hold onto. After all if I went outside and found a group of ants building temples and space rockets then I would absolutely be convinced that  they were worth paying attention to. 

I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane... Waylon Jennings.

So, I said I felt we had evolved and were evolving consciously as a species and that human empathy was greater than it used to be. I feel that we are getting better at calling out racism and that we are progressing over all but it is a slow grind. My wife disagreed and pointed out how much sickness and poverty and slavery and need there is in the world. While rich men make ships to fly into space without a thought of the need for pandemic relief and vaccines and health care. Then my son who like most young people these days is becoming socially aware also said that he thought the world was horrible and that nothing had changed in the last 100 years in America or the world.

The arc of the universe is long. But, it finally bends towards justice...Martin Luther King Jr.

I told my son that if he were to go back to 1965 and talk to Martin Luther King and tell him that  The University of Alabama has black students and a black quarterback and that Birmingham has a black mayor and that he could just walk into a restaurant and order a meal and a white waitress would take his order. He would be incredibly happy about our progress. However, both my son and wife pointed out that we have seen a black man murdered in a northern city by a policeman and that black people still don't feel safe being pulled over by the law. I of course pointed out that there are not roving bands of cops or white supremacist killing people. They pointed out slavery in China and the way that poor communities who are mainly black are discriminated against. So, it was a tough sell trying to prove my theory that humanity is evolving into something better. We just had to agree to disagree. 

We know there is intention and purpose in the universe. Because there is intention and purpose in us...George Bernard Shaw.

So then somehow we get off onto evolution and intent. I concur that evolution is a force of nature but that it has intent behind it. My son brings up random mutations as an argument and then I say that the original intent was still there or nothing would happen at all. that just kicks the can down the road. Anyway, I'm afraid I just came off looking like a space cadet and maybe his agnosticism was strengthened. but I still know that there is a purpose to the universe. Otherwise the universe is completely blind and deaf and is indeed the work of an idiot signifying nothing. But, here we start to get into philosophy and maybe even religion. I have no real patience for religion myself these days. 

You do not have to attend every argument to which you are invited . ..Buddha.

So, now wishing I had argued less I decided to throw out two more things to prove my superior thought skills and save a little of my wounded pride. First I said that my son should watch a Buddha at the Gas Pump podcast featuring Doctor Jim Tucker of the University of Virginia Department of Perceptual Studies which would reinforce my view that more is going on with consciousness than simply random and meaningless mutations. But, even though I do think it's a good interview, it's over two hours and I highly doubt a teenager is going to sit though it just to hear reincarnation theory. I have to be doing something else myself like walking or doing chores because even I can't just sit there that long while somebody talks. Besides I no longer believe in a one size fits all philosophy myself. 

The public has a distorted view of science because children are taught in school that science is a collection of firmly established truths. In fact, science is not a collection of truths. It is a continuing exploration of mysteries...Freeman John Dyson.

So, I pointed out that I once saw a video of Carl Sagan where he talked about a small population of crabs in a certain area. The spotted ones tasted great to the local fishermen while the white ones were not as tasty. The spotted ones disappeared and to the great Sagan that proved that there was no real intent, just random evolution. I pointed out that it actually was an example of intent. The fishermen caught all the spotted crabs and ate them. They threw back the white ones. So, it was an example of intent. Cindy and I argued  for awhile as she saw evolution in action and I saw intent. Actually we are both right in our own way and the way we look at it. But, alas I'm afraid I still came off as the space cadet and so I really should have just let it go. 

The question isn't if there is a God or not. The question is have you experienced God or have you not experienced God...Hindu wisdom verse.

Finally, I assured my son that I am not anti-science. As a matter of fact I adore medical science. I would be dead of heart failure right now if not for the brilliance of medical science. But, I see intent and purpose in that. I see a species that is evolving mostly technologically but also consciously. I remember being in the hospital and about to be transferred to another hospital where the surgeon would repair my new heart valve that had come loose. 

I had a "intuition, vision, Inner knowledge" of a giant pinball machine and I was about to be sent into the universe like a pinball being shot out by the pulling of a lever. But, there was purpose in it. I knew that my destination was already known. That what might appear random was in actuality part of a bigger plan. A divine plan. Maybe I can't convince my son or my wife that there is a personal relationship with the Divine apart from religious dogma. But, my whole life is a search and a cry to the one I have dialoged with my whole life. I still have hope that even in a world of apparent randomness that we are more than meat sacks. or a bog of bones.

Peace.

Songs in the key of life.

   I love music. I was brought up on it. Certain songs bring back certain points of my life. I enjoy playing the guitar and plunking around on the piano. But, I don't like to hear continuous music. In my youth I would crank up the radio in my car or my stereo system and rock on. But, as I've gotten older I find that I need a little quiet time. When I do play I'm into it. When I do listen I enjoy it. But, once I put down the guitar or turn off the radio or streaming then I'm done.

I get distracted easily these days so something constantly playing is not comfortable for me Also I like to discuss life and talk about subjects that interest me and I also like to read or meditate. I don't know how anybody forms a world view that doesn't read. But, I do know some intelligent people that are not readers. However, I don't know any readers that aren't intelligent. That's an exaggeration but I wanted to make a point. 

But, back to music. As a kid I was a little young for Woodstock and for some of the really iconic rock idols of the early to mid sixties. I guess my music was more from the early seventies to the early eighties. Although I like to say that Rock was not the same after about 1978 or so. Again, an exaggeration but not much of one. I do remember where I was during certain songs and it's sometimes fun to think about now as I get older. 

Rock to me was my music. My mother sang and played Country Western as I grew up. My Grandmother made sure I was in church and I also was well acquainted with gospel hymns But, that was the music of the adults. The rock music on the AM radio was mine. Now back in the day they had super stations like WLS in Chicago and I would tune in at night once my local station signed off. I do remember though how connected I felt when my radio would pick up my hometown station again as it signed on in the morning. I had rode the waves all night to the big cities of Chicago and St. Louis and maybe even Cleveland. But, once WGAD signed back on in Gadsden, Alabama I had made it home.

So even though I say I don't play music continuously in my later years. I fell asleep most nights in my youth with a radio playing by my bed. So, what are my favorite songs? Well, most of the time it's the ones that gave me comfort when I was alone. That said the things my young self was thinking and couldn't put into words myself. The following are not my favorite or at least not my absolute favorites. But, they had an effect on my life and my memories.

Day after Day...Badfinger.

I'm in the General Forrest Junior High Gym. On the PA is a song and I can hear the lyrics. " Looking out from my lonely room day after day"...across the gym is my sister's best friend. We had grown up together. Had talked as children when she would sleep over with my sister. Had even had a childhood seance together to see if we could contact her uncle from beyond. She was a sister to me. But, as the music played and she moved around the gym it seemed different. " I remember finding out about you. Everyday my mind is all around you." The years passed and I have no idea where my friend is now. Neither does my sister. But, everytime I hear Badfinger, which in this day isn't often It takes me back. Day after Day isn't my favorite song. But, it does bring back one of my favorite memories.

Slow Ride...Foghat

Pony Millers and joints and country roads. That's all I'll say about that. But, anytime I hear Slow Ride I feel like singing at the top of my voice. It might not be pretty but..."Move to the music. We can roll all night.

Gimme Three Steps...Lynyrd Skynyrd. 

If you're Southern and are of a certain age then you can maybe relate to smoky bar rooms and jealous dudes and a 70's era earth momma that you can't take your eyes off of. I have a funny Skynyrd story. I'm talking to a really cute girl one day in my youth. Skynyrd had just come on the scene. Back in the day we didn't have Twitter or facebook or any other way of getting instant information on our guitar heros. So, all I knew was that there was a song on the radio  that I really liked. Anyway, this girl says do you like Lynyrd Skynyrd? So, looking cool I say "He's good." Of course she looks at me funny and when I discover that he is they I really feel embarrassed. So Gimme three steps is a fond memory for me but also a little uncomfortable. "Oh, wait a minute, mister. I didn't even kiss her. Don't want no trouble with you."

Good Day in Hell..Eagles

It's funny how life works. In my teenage angst I remember this song. It spoke of some of the crazy feelings I had. I felt my young self was in hell and I had to get out. Away from the little town that was smothering me. Away from my mistakes and my own skin. These days I wish I could go back and appreciate my youth and do it better. But, life is a journey and part of mine was my misspent youth. .."All this gratification and sick conversation Someone get me out of town. Oh well, it's been a good day in hell. Tomorrow I'll be glory bound.

The HighwayMan..Stevie Nicks.

Remember me saying all the good music was before the end of 1978? Well that was an exaggeration. I was in my twenties around 24 years old when one of my rock idols from back in my teen years released a solo album. Belladonna was a beautiful album by the Welsh Witch herself. Stevie Nicks. I was finally coming out of my youthful angst and learning how to live in my own skin. Stevie Nicks had survived her Cocaine fueled rockstar years and this album was proof of how deep she could be as an artist and for me how much I had grown into my own person.My favorite was "The Highwayman." I was struggling with the fundamentalist faith I had been brought up in. I was also starting to gain my own personal balance about my spiritual side and my understanding of myself. Still had miles to go but it was a start. The highwayman was something that resonated with me. The lyrics seemed to speak of something eternal. Something that was like the wheel or cycle of life. I really love this song. " A dream as the thunder wakes her. And her highwayman disappears. To a life already lived before in eyes welled with tears." I learned a version that I could fingerpick on my sixstring. I often do and think of lives lived and how it's all a circle. 

I had heart surgery in my sixties to replace a leaky valve and another procedure to repair the leak caused by a stitch that came loose. The younger surgical team asked me if I'd like my favorite music played as they put me under. To relax. I said Well if you have the Eagles, that would be nice. '' So, down I went into slumber with a "Peaceful Easy Feeling." Or as peaceful as you can get when you are having a heart procedure done. I woke up on my back able to breathe again. Everyday since then I feel like I'm playing with house money. God gave me some more time to look back on my life and I try to give others room to be human. I don't always succeed but I try to treat others the way I'd like to be treated. So, don't forget to remember your youth and accept where you've been. And if that certain song gives you a little rhythm then don't be embarrassed. Go ahead and sing along.

Life is short, fast, tragic and wonderful. 

"I get a peaceful easy feeling. And I know you won't let me down. Cause I'm already standing on the ground....Eagles.

Peace. 

The Fire Next Time

What a terrible, wonderful book. Sad and damming. Full of hope and despair. Do I sound dramatic? I know I do. But, I'm white and 64 years old. I look at some of these "woke" millennials and see so much whining. Everybody wants to be a victim. But, I'm not an idiot and I see the anger and the underlying frustration. 

Now in all fairness it's hard for a white guy like me that heard the stories of my grandparents having to shut the door and pull the blinds during the depression era so they could eat two hen eggs before somebody knew they had them to be told I come from privilege. To remember my grandmother telling me that people called her family Shanty Irish in her youth. To hear a 25 year old pretty black lady with a college degree tell me to hush because a white man couldn't understand.

So I went to where I often go when wondering about why the world seems crazy. To the elders. To those who lived through the fire. 

Everybody wants to be a victim But let's face it. There are only 2 victims in the U.S. historically. The black people were brought over in chains. The Indian or Native American were robbed of land and forced to give up their way of life and spiritual heritage. 

Everybody else. From my Celtic ancestors to the Hispanic people to the Asians came here for the same reason. For a better life. So I decided the elder I would go to would be the African American James Baldwin. "The Fire Next Time."  James Baldwin 1924-1987. Author, activist, poet. 

This book spoke to my soul in a way that no CNN talking head or NBA Billionaire ever could. Here were the streets of Harlem. The Nation of Islam. Here was a man struggling to understand his nation in the midst of being treated like a second class citizen. This wasn't the flowery love talk of the civil rights leaders. Nor was it the angry venom of the Black Panther. This was an honest to goodness human being. Struggling not in a pious or phony way to love. But with gloves off. Honest talk. 

Just as most people today can't understand the quiet desperation of my depression era grandparents. White people including myself can't understand the generational experience of our black neighbor's. 

So while it's hard for me at times to understand the anger of a 25 year old black person that in all honesty has many opportunities in this land. I felt maybe there was something more. Something I couldn't see that drives so much of that anger. 

Two things happened within a week that troubled me. I'm not a far left wing "woke" person. But I am awake .A left of center moderate One thing was some white peoples anger at Juneteenth. I mean I understand Kwanza is a condescending made up day by mostly guilt ridden white liberals and black people that have never been near Africa. But, Juneteenth is real. Human beings really were put in chains and sold as if they were cattle. To celebrate the end of that should be praised by Everybody. Even by old white men like me. The second thing that bothered me was today.

I saw an article that Mobile, Alabama will not (Thank God) allow the Birthday party of our nation on July 4 to be hijacked by celebrating Donald Trump. I politely pointed out that the 4th of July is for our nation. The celebration of people who fought and died for freedom. It was bigger than Donald Trump or Malcolm X or any other partisan political statement. 

OMG! The venom from Trumpsters was immediate. How far have we fallen. If I can't say The United States of America is bigger than Donald Trump.

So, where are we as a nation? Will white and black America ever come together again or maybe for the first time to create a more perfect union. Or has the long smoldering divide finally caught up to us? I don't know. But, the final words were sobering.

"First the flood. But, The Fire Next Time.

Meditation with Jesus.

 I'm sitting in a comfortable spot outdoors. I hear a running creek and I see the mountains. I'm in Northeast Alabama. It's my happy place. A place I go to in meditation sometimes. A mashup of my hometown Gadsden, Alabama at the falls beside Black Creek and about 20 miles or more to the West in the little rural North Alabama coal mining town of Altoona where my grandparents came from and where I spent a lot of my youth. Especially from the 10th grade until around the  late 80's. I close my eyes and this is often where I end up.

Ever see the old facebook meme with a bench and the "If you could sit with anyone from history for an hour who would it be?" Well, this is kind of like that. I come here and meditate and pray and think about people from my life. Family members, old friends and even the source of my own being. I even have a meditation app I use that has the sound effect of running water that I use on occasion with my ear buds. 

Here I am and as I sit here beside the creek I look across and there you are. Jesus. Purple robe and sandals and the whole look from Sunday School from my youth.

 Jesus: "Would you like me to wear jeans? or a hoodie? or anything else?" " my wardrobe is endless"

Me: Yeah, but somehow I don't think you are really concerned with how I see you. That's kind of a manmade construct isn't it? 

Jesus: "Yes and no. I'm not concerned with how you envision me. but, I am part of mankind so I also don't see it as silly or irrelevant either." 

Me:  Thank you. I really should have started this meditation with a prayer. I'm not really  religious these days but I do still pray. So, before I get farther in I'll just take a second and do a silent connection with the Ground of all Being.

Jesus:  "Don't worry. I'll still be here.

Me: Ok. I'm back.  I was thinking about life today. I'm not going to use this blog to explain to others why I'm no longer a bible thumping Christian and I'm not going to try and justify myself to  Believers, atheists or anybody in between or outside. We all have our journey and I'm still on mine. 

So, if I could, I would like to talk about why I still consider you to be the most important person, avatar, teacher in human history. I think one thing that sets you apart from most religious dogma including the Christian dogma of an angry god is your core of showing how important each and everyone of us is.

Jesus: You have come to see the cross as a metaphor for life and that's not a bad thing. You see my journey as telling people that as important as this life is. And it is important. That  precious as it is and it is precious. That compared to home this is a pale reflection of reality. Kind of like earth was a reflection of  Narnia in C.S. Lewis books and in the end. Even Narnia was a reflection of Real Narnia. So this is a reflection of a reflection. The reality of home. The place where all creation springs from is so much brighter and precious than even this. The cross was a price I was willing to pay. Is that how you see it?

Me: Yes! Only I don't know if that's true or if it's just me holding on to a vestige of my old dogma since I honestly don't think religion matters in the end. It's more of how we treat each other. For instance the truth or myth or whatever else you want to say is still awesome. That a man or a woman would run into a burning building and rescue someone is heroic. But, in this case. God puts on flesh and comes into the burning building knowing he/she can't rescue everybody physically. So God sits in the burning building with the rest of us. Now that's love! 

Jesus: One thing for sure. Love never fails. So in the end love wins. 

Me: It's kind of sad that people think a loving Deity could rest if even one creature was in misery for eternity. But, some do think that's love. That kind of love loses in the end. But, that is the myth. The torment and eternal death that the churchy people have used to control people. 

Jesus: However, the atheist myth is just as damaging. It's like running into a children's cancer ward and shouting there's no hope for anybody and in the end nothing matters and we all just die and death and oblivion are the end result and all of you are just meatbots. 

Me: Yeah, I really try to treat everybody the way I'd like to be treated. That's my only religion. 

Jesus: Yeah. But, often you end up treating them the same way they treat you. 

Me: Yeah. It's hard not to at times. 

Me: Do you know what I really regret about life? 

Jesus: Yes. But, tell me anyway. It'll do you good.

Me: Well. I don't regret one curse word or one toke of a joint or one sip of beer. I don't regret the idiotic way I fell for my first love or the fact that I went through so much crap to get where I am now. 

What I regret is the times I hurt other people. My grandparents who loved me unconditionally. My friends and classmates, family and neighbors who I treated as if they didn't matter. The times I was mean to animals and treated them as if they were not as important because they were just animals. Those are the things I regret. The times I treated others as if they were just bit players in my movie. 

Jesus: Well your grandparents know that from where they are now. So do the neighbors and friends and other precious people that came through your life. After all, in the end Love Wins. 

Me: Well. I do have some things I would like to clear up. Remember when I was really young and I had this memory of a past life? 

Jesus: I also remember when you first thought about the verse talking about putting new wine into old wineskins. 

Me: Yeah. I understand that verse is not talking about reincarnation. I'm not  going to pillage the bible to make myself look right. But, it does remind me of it. The new wineskins are the new body and the wine is the fresh edition of spirit poured into the baby while in the womb. The Spirit itself is eternal but this version is coming into completely new circumstances and different bloodlines and has a journey to add to the total experience of the soul.

Jesus: So that's what you believe? 

Me: I don't know. But, I do lean towards it. 

Me: I'm wondering about a lot of stuff lately. Things that used to seem so important to me are now kind of distantly important. I still like sports but it's harder for me to really genuinely worry much about the outcome of a game. I still like music. But, I don't much like to sit around just listening. I'd rather play the guitar or plunk around on the piano. But to just have music on in the background often distracts me these days. 

Me: What I find myself doing more and more is wondering what comes after this. I look at life and behind me is this long, winding road and places I've seen and things I've done. But, in front of me is this stretch and a hill just beyond a curve and I can't quite see over that hill.

Jesus: It happens. The other side of the hill is what you have prepared for your whole life.

Me: I know. Remember a dream I had once? There was this river. I came to the edge of it and somebody was beside me. I knew if I got into that river it would kill me. I knew it was so cold that my body would freeze. But, somebody beside  me said "go across."  I said " I can't. if I get in there I'll freeze." But, the person beside me said "You have to get in." Finally I did. It was so cold. It instantly froze my body. I felt it dying. But, 'Me." I rose up in ecstasy. It was the most awesome feeling I had ever felt. I was soaring in happiness and joy. Awesome!

Me: So, Jesus. What's beyond that hill anyway?

Jesus: Smiles and touches my face. "Well, there is a river." 

Peace!

God, old friends and Mary Jane.

 I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round I really love to watch them roll No longer riding on the merry-go-round I just had to let it go..John Lennon

Everyone should have that one friend. It might not be your best friend or even someone you see everyday. Just that one person that you fart in front of and drop F-Bombs with. Talk about politics and religion and if there's a God what must that God be like. Does she care what we do or how we act? Notice what I did there? Yeah, that kind of friend. Where if you say something that's not religion 101 they don't lose their shit and start preaching at you.

Why do we give up our hearts to the past. And why must we grow up so fast...Joe Walsh

I had a friend like that once. We could go years and never say a word and then one day run into each other or call out of the blue  and just pick up and  talk. Anybody and everything and everybody was fair game. We had a history. I am older and so I'm talking to my friend for the last time some years ago and he says "Well, I'm going to die this Summer."  I'm thinking "Yeah right." How dramatic. You can't die. I'm older than you and you're a rock star. 

Don't you know that you are a shooting star?
Gotta shine on now, forever now
Don't you know that you are a shooting star?
All the world will love you just as long
Long as you are
A shooting star...Bad Company

He did die though. At least from this particular view. Nobody really dies. I've come to that after so many years. They just get off the bus and take the next one out of town.

 My friend was a rock star. Younger and good looking and I swear he might never have been famous but he played guitar and wrote songs and had women out the yin yang when he was young. He was a rock star. Just didn't get that big break. Came out of the same bible belt I did in rural Alabama. Had a swagger and an edge and you either loved him or hated him. I should know. I did both over the years. 

I'm causing a mild sensation, with this new occupation
I'm permanently glued, to this extraordinary mood
So now move over, and let me take over
With my, melancholy blues...Queen

He had a saying "Fuck you if you can't take a joke." Things would get tight or hard or uneasy. Feeling hurt and drama on the way and then "Fuck you if you can't take a joke." Well what are you going to say to that? If you get offended then you obviously can't take a joke so ....

I get up and nothin' gets me down
You got it tough, I've seen the toughest around
And I know, baby, just how you feel
You got to roll with the punches and get to what's real...Van Halen

So my rock star friend calls me up some years ago now. Hey Steve if you're ever in Birmingham look me up. I'm living here now. At least for a while. We can smoke a joint for old times sake and bullshit. I'm on chemo and I'm going to die this Summer. Oh man. Come on you aren't going to die. It's been thirty years since I smoked a doobie but if I get up that way I will absolutely fire one up with you. 

Roll another one
Just like the other one
That one's just about burnt to the end
So come on and be a real friend...Little Feat

We talked a while about music. About God. Reincarnation and his turn from angry atheist to hopeful agnostic. My turn from born again Christian to mystical liberal Christian with a lean towards reincarnation. He said he knew there was something. The Christianity we were both brought up in didn't make much sense. He still was stung a from the small town judgements and hypocrisy of his youth. But, the angry atheism didn't make much sense either. If we had been together instead of on a phone I promise we would have fired one up right there and solved the mysteries of the universe. 

I'm sailing away
Set an open course for the Virgin Sea
'Cause I've got to be free
Free to face the life that's ahead of me...Styx

Damn. I wish I had gone to Birmingham. What kind of friend was he? Well, I was brought up on seventies Southern Rock and he was brought up on Van Halen and early 80's glam rock. He had a band back in the day. This one blonde haired dude was a great guitarist. I've seen him break a string in the midst of a loud number and restring the guitar and tune it in a moment and never miss his lead guitar riff. 

What you looking for
You know those boys
Don't want to play no more with you
It's true...Night Ranger

But, my friend stopped the band one day and said guys. My friend Steve loves Southern Rock. He's got his guitar and I want him to have the experience of playing one number with a kick ass band. So, we did. I did.

Call me the breeze
I keep blowin' down the road
Well now, they call me the breeze
I keep blowin' down the road
I ain't got me nobody
I don't carry me no load...Lynyrd Skynyrd

See what I mean? So, that's a rare kind of friend. Now there are things he did at times that were the exact opposite of kind. Things I won't repeat here that we both did. We were young, stoned and drunk. Not an excuse. Just a trigger for our actions back then. He also almost got my brains beat out by a psychotic good ole country boy over a woman that he made love to. Still, he hid my little butt at the last moment and I got out of there. 

 "Oh, wait a minute, mister

I didn't even kiss her
Don't want no trouble with you...Lynyrd Skynyrd

Now how did my little butt almost get killed when I never even touched the woman? Well, my friend was a rock star and a ladies man and he had fun. But, he didn't always take full responsibility for his  fun. As for me? Wrong place. Wrong time. I made it out so it's all good. After all "Fuck you if you can't take a joke." 

Pour your sugar on me
Oh, I can't get enough

I'm hot, sticky sweet
From my head to my feet, yeah...Def Leppard

I see people today arguing over politics. trying so hard not to offend each other and I'm guilty of sugar coating my feelings about a lot of things from religion to politics just to keep from offending people. But, that's why it's so important to be able to have that one friend that you can yell and cuss and get stoned and get rowdy with. Or drink iced tea and coffee with. That one friend that you can just be yourself with and never worry that they are judging you. 

I've walked through the Halls of Karma
I shook hands with both the Devil and God...Black Oak Arkansas

For some reason I've thought a lot about him the past few days. Maybe somewhere he's thinking about me. He once told me that he liked to be. When he got his diagnosis he said he didn't know about religion or what came after but "I just like to be." 

For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be...The Beatles

I've been through heart surgery and I thought I was out of here. I literally had a vision of my hand under a funeral light when I was so sick before I even had the surgery and the repair of the surgery that kept me going. So, I can honestly say. I understand what my friend was saying. I'm not worried about angry old man in the sky that smells blood in order to let me crawl and sing praises. I honestly trust that once I get to that river the one I come from will lead me across. I'm not really worried about saying bad words or my misspent youth. I'm more concerned with the times I haven't treated a person or animal with respect. I'm more concerned with making sure I find myself in the light. I believe one reason I'm thinking of my friend is that he is in the light. 

Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all, set us free
Love is the answer...Dan Seals

After all. I like to be. So, I Am. 

We're just humans, humans being
That's what makes us
Humans being...Van Halen

I meditated once and fell asleep. I woke up with my whole being filled and in the midst of the most incredible bright light. It only lasted a moment but Wow! 

How does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala
How does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala
Tell me how does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala
Tell me how does your light shine
In the halls of Shambala...Three Dog Night.

So, if you have that one friend that you can cuss or pray or sing or even argue with then you are so blessed. I read something the other day that I really feel is true. "We are all just walking each other home." 

Peace! .