Prayer

 I no longer follow religion. But, if the only thing I ever got from the faith of my youth and young adulthood was prayer then it was worth the trip. I meditate (which is a form of prayer) these days and I also pray. Now, I'm not as sure of the makeup of the one I pray to these days. Not sure of creeds and not actually believing that I can have a new car or that my money is in the mail just because I prayed for it. Praying for illness? I don't even believe I can pray for the pimple on my butt to be removed Much less pray for a cure of cancer. But, I will tell you that I will and have and will again pray if I think I might even have the chance of cancer. I prayed while in the hospital for heart surgery and I prayed when I lost a job and when I got another job and finally was able to retire. 

I don't pray because I think it's a one way ticket to paradise. I pray because it just feels right. It reminds me that I belong to the first cause of the whole cosmos even to that which we can't currently see with our naked eye. I pray because I am. And I am therefore I pray. I meditate. I listen and sometimes I don't listen. I don't pray to be saved from the wrath of an old man in the sky. Because that old man the way the Christians and the Muslims describe him is a bloody tyrant. I pray because I need the inner resources of the one that I am an expression of. I love the Lord's Prayer. I amend it and hear it in my own spirit. 

So, this is some of what I was thinking  today as I decided to write down my morning call to God as God knows himself, Herself, Our self to be.

 My Father. I could say Mother. Ground of all being.. The only cause of all that is. Hallowed be thy name. I know that wars have been fought and people have been beheaded and cursed at and had infantile curses flung at them over the "right" use of your name. But, only you can know yourself and you are the one who shows me myself. What manner of being I am. I have a name given to me by my family. But, my name is wrapped in "I AM." That got Jesus in trouble a long time ago and once Rome got hold of the sect the "I AM" got warped into "He is." and we all were cast out to follow vain religious creeds and "just so" stories about ancient text that were never really meant to be "just so" stories. 

Thy kingdom come. But, what does that mean? I see the kingdom as all of the cosmos. The empty space that people wonder at? Maybe it's not empty at all. Maybe the kingdom really is all around us. dimensions and world within worlds. Crazy? well, so is the idea of talking snakes and angry old men that have to smell the blood of their own child to be appeased. Crazy? So is the idea that a piece of organic matter somehow gives rise to the very creation of creatures and consciousness just by a chemical reaction inside your head. Crazy? maybe. But, I think there is evidence of being and evidence of intent in every creature and plant you see. So, to me. My crazy makes more sense than your crazy. So, yes may the Kingdom of God or first cause come in my life here as I try to find my way home.

Thy will be done. What is the will of God? I can't even know myself so how can I know God? I have found that the will of God is that we all wake up to the worth of every human including ourselves. To the worth of every creature. Every plant and the very air we breathe. I will treat every individual human or animal or even memory with the care and thought that I would want to be treated. 

On earth as it is in heaven. Heaven. Streets of gold and only the people who recite the church creeds? Heaven as the abode of God? My very being is the abode of God. Your very breath is the abode of God. Heaven, earth, the cosmos and all that will ever be is the abode of God and yet God is the first and only real cause of it all.

Give me this day my daily bread. My bread that keeps my body alive and the bread that gives me hope that even when the body is worn out I am still "I AM" 

And forgive me for my trespasses. The times when I mistreated a creature. A dog or a cat or the times when I treated other humans as if they were just actors in my movie and I was the star.. Forgive me for the times I took the love of my grandparents and family and threw it to the side since I was young and had places to go. Forgive me for the times when I hurt a neighbor or treated the outcast as if they were something to be avoided instead of the image of God.

As I forgive those who trespass against me. Help me to forgive those who tried to take away my living and treated me as if I were lower than they were. The ones who excluded me and cast me aside as if I were not made in the image of God.

But deliver me from evil. Evil. What is evil? Belittling the poor and judging the actions of those whose skin I haven't walked in. Cheering as bombs fall on the poor and the weak and waving a piece of cloth as if it were more important than the image of God wrapped in the flesh beneath those bombs and bullets. Treating other people as if they are either on my team or not worthy  to breathe. Calling rich billionaires oppressed while demonizing poor because they are oppressive just because of the skin color and where they were born. Calling a young woman evil because she can't see a way to provide for a baby. But, then turning around and casting that baby aside into poverty by cutting healthcare and aid. Choosing sides based on a religious or political system that in it's very intent is to rule over others.

For thine is the Kingdom. The power and the glory. The Kingdom where you dwell within each being and particle and spirit. The power which is unconditional love and acceptance. The Glory which is the very realization that "I AM." Because I am an expression of the Ground of all being. The "I AM."

World without end. Amen. 

Politics is people.

 

See in this the chance to die...Amy Carmichael

I have never forgotten that. An Irish Missionary to India. Amy Carmichael gave her life to the poor children of India. back in my more devout days I bought and still have a thin devotional called "You are my hiding place." A 40 day journey with Amy Carmichael. She recounts one instance where a nurse or a co worker (I honestly can't remember which one) said something harsh or rude to her. Just as Amy was considering which blistering comeback to use she heard in her spirit. "Consider this a chance to die." Meaning to not engage in the very vain and useless war that people fight with each other just to say "got ya." The Buddhist would say to kill the ego. The Christian concept  to let go and let God. Just to rest in the reality of eternal peace and the Yogi's would say choose bliss. 

I thought of that today as I read a very rude comment to a comment I made on facebook. I was just about to blast this person and self righteously point out the sheer stupidity of the argument. But, as  I was reaching for my phone I heard "See in this. the chance to die." 

So, I let it go. Pulled back on my "right" for justice and just breathed. Sometimes that's all that Holy Spirit, The Universe, God,Goddess, Ground of all being is asking you to do. Or asking me to do. Just breathe and treat people the way you want to be treated. 

I love the Christian mystics and the Buddhist mystics and the Hindu mystics. Catholic mystics like Thomas Merton. Modern Chrisitan thinkers like Rob Bell or Richard Rohr. The Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh. The Indian guru Paramahansa Yogananda. All different yet more alike than they are to the fundamentalist of their own faiths. 

For me The reality of the divine can't be put into a box anymore. One size doesn't fit all. Wisdom is known to all her children. So, I'm trying to find my balance and get ready for the next stage of the journey. I don't know how long it will be. I hope it's not today or tomorrow but I am trying to listen more and react a little less.

I read something the other day and realized how far apart we have become as a nation and a world. I enjoy making coffee every morning and reading the news on my tablet. It has a cool Star Trek or Jetsons vibe to me. I pull up newspapers and articles from all over the world and sip coffee. 

Cindy says I'm a creature of habit and love my routine. She's right. She knows me well. Once I find a routine I enjoy I stick to it. So, after feeding the cats and the dog and referee  who is eating who's food I quickly get my tablet and coffee and breathe. 

I pull up hotsheet.com and click on the Drudge Report. Now, I know I'm left of center. But, the Drudge report is a wealth of information. The links are endless and you can get down the rabbit hole quickly. Then I pull up the Washington Post to balance it out or some other link like the Huffington Post. My favorite is the New York Post. It is a little bit right but not so much that it fails to inform. Somebody has to keep the Democrats straight and lets be honest. I'm a Democrat but CNN isn't going to do it. 

I also like Page Six of the New York Post which is a mini National Enquirer. Want to know if Prince Harry or Megan is a prick? Read the gossip on Page Six. Want to know which Hollywood star has the latest scandal? Read page Six. I only have one problem with Page Six these days. I've about aged out of popular culture gossip. I mean they mention "stars" and I have no clue who most of these people are. Oh well, Maybe I can find an old article from 1978 online somewhere. But, I digress. As usual. 

I discovered a secret and I'm going to share it with you now. Ya ready? I've discovered that depending on which news service you read you can absolutely prove that the conservatives are inbred evil racist nazi slave traders ready to destroy your rights and over run the nation by shooting everyone in sight and that the main plan is to kill all the "people of color" and install white supremacy forever. 

On the other hand I can also prove that the liberals are all baby killing monsters that set up poor Donald Trump and unleashed a horrible virus in order to thin the population for the new world order. They also are trying to cancel all church and faith and use the flag as toilet paper while planning to kill all the white people who love Jesus by the time Joe Biden leaves office.

Don't believe me? Well look it up. Depending on which echo chamber you choose I can absolutely promise you that it's true. Which one is true? Why neither and both. We fell for it. Hook line and sinker.

What if I told you that all white people don't hate all black people? That all black people are not thugs and all white people are not evil racist. What if I told you that poor white people have more in common with poor black people than they do with Donald Trump? What if I told you that poor black people are more like poor white people than they are like Lebron James? 

What if I told you that Ted Cruz having enough money to take his family to a warm resort paradise in Mexico is more shameful than a poor Mexican family trying to find a better life for their children by crossing a border? What If instead of demanding a wall or demanding that a statue be torn down we all got together and demand term limits and end the lifetime appointments to the supreme court? What if we stopped worrying about poor people getting welfare or health care and demanded that congress not have free health care and pensions on the taxpayer dime for life? 

I promise you that if you put Ted Cruz on private insurance and  took away his perks and also Nancy Pelosi then put them on the same health care that the American people have. The health care coverage crisis would be solved instantly.

But, mainly I'm just ready to stop fighting. I'm not going to spend the rest of my days yelling at people and trying to convince people that I'm right.

See in this. The chance to die.

So, I'm going to breathe. I'm going to continue the dialog in my own mind with Holy Spirit. I'm going to let the religious be religious. The atheistic be atheist and the political be political. 

But, politically we are all being played. After reading some of the conservative opinions I at least understood better why they are scared of the take over of the left. After reading some of the liberal opinions I at least understood why they are so angry and afraid of the right wing. But, propaganda always highlights the worst of the opposition. We still have a chance to find common ground. But, honestly it's slipping away.

But, I'm in my sixties now. I happen to believe in the circle of life so I happen to think I'll be back. This ain't my first rodeo. But, it's the one i have right now. So, I'm trying to stay on the ride and not get bucked off. I'm trying to not get so scared and so angry that I miss living. I'm trying to see in this the chance to die. So, I can live.

Peace.

Underrated Horror Movies.

 I thought about writing today on religion, politics or social media echo chambers. Then I thought "what's more fun than that?" Well, a toothache, or getting my fingernails pulled out at the root by a pair of pliers might not be as much fun as today's religion or political debates. But, other than that most anything is "more fun" than politics, echo chambers and religion. After all I've seen people saying they are "preachers of the gospel." Spending more time berating people for having different political opinions than showing any kind of love or understanding of people who have different political views. I literally saw a person saying "Come let us love on you like Jesus" right before a post that turned ugly towards Democrats  via comments. Somehow, after that I don't think "love on you like Jesus" means what they think it means. I've seen atheist try to make eternal oblivion more attractive than having faith. Although, God knows the so called Christian church makes it easy too do to some extent.  

But, this isn't why I'm not an atheist (I'm not) or an Evangelical bible thumping Christian (I'm Not.) or a Conservative (I'm Not.) or a far left social justice warrior (I'm Not.) 

 Then I came across a Stephen King post and an Evil Dead movie post and I knew what I wanted to write about and think about today. Fun stuff. Important stuff. Not echo chambers. So, here is my list of underrated horror movies. I have loved horror movies since I was a child. Actually, it was probably my conservative mother that has a lot to do with that. She loved the old Dialing for Dollars science fiction and horror movies on the old black and white TV back in the day.

I remember watching The Colossal Man getting bigger and bigger. The shrinking man getting tinier and tinier. Space ships blowing up earth. Statues moving in a ghostly house. Christopher Lee melted as Dracula in the sun. The old ending credits to black and white scifi as the "End?" would come up on the  screen. The question mark assuring you it was not the end. Insert ghostly laugh here.  So, years before I read horror novels or knew Stephen King from Rudyard Kipling I already loved horror. 

So, these may or may not be my favorite horror movies. But, they are the most underrated horror movies in my opinion. They are fun and deserve a bag of popcorn and a large coke in front of a widescreen TV snuggling with your honey or simply chilling on the couch by yourself. So, get your popcorn ready. You won't find my favorite which is the "The Haunting" based on Shirley Jackson's book because I don't think it's underrated. Likewise Poltergeist or Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm street. Those are well known and not eligible for being underrated. . The ones I do include are not unknown but in my opinion underappreciated. 

1. Evil Dead: Maybe the most underrated horror movie of all. This had a cheesy looking VHS Skeleton on the front when I first encountered it. I expected it to be cheesy and silly. What I got was a scary movie worthy of The Exorcist. I remember thinking how taken in I was partway through the movie and thinking "wow, this is a good and fun and scary movie. Now, does it still hold up? I honestly don't know. I haven't gone back and watched it again in years. I just remember that first cabin in the Tennessee woods and the fun of this movie.

2. The Faculty: Otherworldly parasites possessing teachers and spreading to students. One of the movies I discovered with Cindy by accident. I don't  remember why we went to see this movie. But, I do remember it as being fun. 

3. The Blob: The original Blob. Although the remake wasn't bad either. A gelatinous blob ingesting everything in its wake. The teenagers saving the old folks. Fun stuff. :  . 

These are just three of the movies that I think are underrated. Although Evil Dead is a cult favorite so I might be pushing it to call it underrated. Anyway, I do like horror. I don't really like slasher horror. I can't quite suspend belief and enjoy the movie when people and animals are getting sliced and diced. That's a little too much like the nightly news. 

While talking of horror I also want to give a Count Dracula shoutout to Vampire movies and a razzy and kiss my butt to zombie movies. 

Vampires: What teenage boy hasn't dreamed of the debonair vampire with the ability to be immortal and unavoidably attractive to beautiful women? What girl hasn't dreamed of the powerful male who carries her away and makes her eternally young? I know. But, really vampires are both powerful and scary and have a certain personality.

Zombies: They just eat and rot. You never will be able to sell a movie or book called "Interview with a Zombie." Why? Because they are the assholes of the supernatural/Science fiction world that's why. Who wants to interact with a rotting corpse whose jaw will fall off in your cereal if you get too close? 

So, as we approach Halloween. Ah of course I see you thinking "what is this goof talking about? It's April" But six months will pass quickly and it's never too early to plan for the most wonderful time of the year. 

Anyway, as I said at the start. I was going to talk about echo chambers and politics and religion so this makes much more sense than trying to make sense of far right and far left idiot...uh, people. 

Peace!

Is it life or a dream?

 Meditation: I first got into meditation years ago. But, I didn't really practice it regularly until around 2015 or so when I was having a really hard time due to an unexpected financial event that threatened my peace of mind and ability to make a living. Thankfully with intense meditation, prayer and a supporting wife things worked out. But, I also got busy and meditation has been more sporadic for a while. However, this time after retiring I have again started or at least tried to do regular practice. Thankfully, my practice this time isn't out of depression or worry but for the peace and focus it brings. I also use it at night to help me fall asleep. Yoga Nidra helps with that. It's not physical yoga so I'm not twisting myself into a pretzel. It's a technique of stillness and bringing attention to the body in order to observe and still the constant motion. 

One of the most intense things for me with meditation happened not long ago. I was listening to a yoga nidra guided meditation. In the space between waking and sleeping I found myself inside an intense bright light. It was brighter than the sun but didn't burn or hurt my eyes. I only stayed there a few moments but it was something I'll never forget. I was at peace. It reminded me that I'm more than the sum total of my body parts or a chemical reaction in my brain. I think God uses things like that to clear out the pipes once in a while and remind me that this is a dream. A very persistent wonderful, tragic dream but still compared to forever it's a dream.

I had been having some flashes of that light in dreams leading up to the experience of being in the light. Also, I have since my youth had moments of having my head fill with a soft light during the period between waking and sleep. Meditation for me is like prayer only instead of a religious shopping list I'm trying to listen instead of talking and vocally asking for stuff.

I don't do religion anymore. I'm not mad at religion like some atheists I've met who were former Christians. Talk about anger. But, some have good reason to be angry. I'm just not one of them.Religion and fire and brimstone just seem silly to me and actually cruel when people think that they have to please an angry old man in the sky who "loves" them so much that he will allow the flames of their torment to waft up forever. Yikes! No thanks, I'm driving. But, if it works for you (and it worked for me in my youth) then more power to you. Just understand I'm not buying it anymore and haven't for years.

I also don't buy atheism. To think that the world is just a sperm lottery and all the pain of ;the holocost and the slavery of people and  rape of women and all the cancer wards and children torutred is just luck of the draw and dead is dead? Insane. No, I don't think existence works like that. But, that is part of a longer post about why I'm not an atheist. But in all honesty I don't think it matters what religion you believe or even if you are an atheist or Muslim or Christian or whatever. I truly have only one religion. That religion is "Treat others the way you want to be treated." I think once we die we will find ourselves much like we do in this life. On a plane of existence that resonates with our own inner life and maybe even more so. But, that's my opinion and I'm sure I'm welcome to it. 

Reincarnation: I had past life memories from my childhood. But, I didn't even know that past life was back then and so I didn't really follow up and by the time I was able to read and research for myself those memories were way in the past and hard to really pull up. Still, it resonates with me. Not because I desire it which is what some people might think. But, because it makes sense to me. I've also had some lucid dreams and met a person or two along the way that felt familiar to me like an old friend or a long lost loved one. Doesn't happen often but it does happen. 

It makes more sense than an angry god who tells a powerful evil angel to go to the earth and if you can fool those naked apes into following you I will burn them in torment. But, if they say the magic words before they die then no matter if they have been evil or murder somebody I'll give them heaven. But, even if they feed the poor and love their neighbor if they don't say the magic words then I'll torment them. To show how much I love them. So as I said before. I don't do religion.

On the other hand I don't do atheism either. Because of my own experiences and because of sanity. To think that we are just a byproduct of a primordial soup is laughable. To think that the way evolution which is so precise and wondrous in the way life proceeds is all an accident is very unlikely.  Also, to think as I said before that all the suffering of creation means nothing means the universe is evil at best and insane at worst. 

Another reason I lean towards reincarnation is that it makes sense. The fact is that science back in the day thought life came from death. They saw that rotten meat had maggots and flies and assumed that therefore matter produced life. That seems laughable now but it is what it is. But, even now to think that an organ in my head is responsible for everything I am will one day also seem laughable. At least that's what I think and it really does look that way because regardless of skeptics saying that there is not proof of psychic phenomena there are all kinds of studies that have been done over the years that show the statistical relevance of ESP and other psi. Also, the studies of past life memories in children by Dr. Ian Stevenson and the University of Virginia Department of Perceptual Studies.

 I don't see anything in the sperm and the egg itself that would contain an eternal spirit or produce consciousness. So to me it seems likely that if we are eternal manifestations of consciousness then we have no beginning or ending in flesh. Consciousness is primary and matter is secondary. Not the other way around. So, those people waiting for life to emerge from the brain are like those scientists from the 17th century or so waiting for rotten meat to produce life. Not calling my brain rotten meat. Not yet anyway. Just saying that it is a receiver/conductor and not first cause. As Wordsworth said we really do come to this world "Trailing Clouds of Glory." 

I understand that this is my opinion and I'm not trying to upset anybody's view of reality. I'm not trying to put down faith or anybody's view of science. I love science. I see because of glasses and I walk around in this world because of heart surgery. I love faith. I was baptised as a child and have had a lift long inner dialog with "God" be it the times I called Jesus, Holy Spirit or Father. I just no longer feel God fits in a box and I no longer feel God is a "he." But, that's okay because I don't even know for sure what kind of being I am, much less how to totally define the Divine. 

So, anyway, that's my thoughts right now. Sometimes I just like to type them out and see what they look like on paper. Will people see them and think "OMG, he's lost his ever loving mind," Or my Southern friends and family think "Bless his Heart." which for the Northerners means "OMG, he's lost his ever loving mind." Anyway it's a  journey and I'm still in the midst of it. 

I wish you Peace. 

Lisey's Story Revue

 Wow! Great immersive story. I've been reading Stephen King since the 70's. At 64 I am a long time Constant Reader. So this wasn't my first time reading "Lisey's Story." I actually didn't like it at all when I first read it. Through the year's many of the people who like Stephen King still dislike this book. It's a little meandering and there is the intimate story of a marriage told in flashback style all through the novel.

But once you fall through the hole in the page it's a story that comes alive in your mind. The supernatural elements seem to fit seamlessly so that you don't really have to suspend belief to accept them. They are just there. Of course. Like preferring cream in your coffee or sugar in your tea. Just part of the narrative. 

Stephen King was quoted somewhere as saying this was his best work or his favorite work. I thought "yeah right." yawn. But, I realized I had rushed through it when I first read it. I also realized I didn't even really remember the plot. So, I found it months ago in a Dailey Deal for Amazon Kindle. $2.99 or whatever it was that day is a steal for a Stephen King novel. 

So, I finally downloaded it to my Fire and started reading it slowly. Kind of read a little then go on to other books or TV or whatever. Then I found the hole in the page at some point. Lisey became alive and I wondered how she was doing with Scott and her sisters. The space cowboy (you have to read it for that to make sense) and the pie bald long boy. 

Being retired I now have more time to savor a book. If you want a quick, lean read this isn't it. But, if you want to get caught up in a story and the inner life of a character and relationship this is good. I know that sounds like a romance and I'm not into that.

But, trust me. This isn't a romance bodice ripper. This is blood and guts narrative with horror, crime and relationships. I can finally see why Stephen King is so high on this book. I like Salem's Lot and The Shining more as far as ranking books. But, this one has more depth. Highly recommended.

Of cabbages and kings.

   I have taken a break from politics and religion on facebook. I still put some sayings from some of my spiritual journey and I still from time to time make a poltical statement. Especially on news groups such as al.com or 3340.com. I feel those are kind of community boards and free for all political speech. But, I often see things on  friends pages and start to type and then back off. Or better yet just keep on scrolling. The good part of just posting jokes and far side memes is that you don't insult people or try to manipulate or express you deepest thoughts. 

The bad part of that is you don't express your deepest thoughts or engage in any kind of meaningful dialog. Still, I have certain facebook groups I interact with and some of them do engage with religion or politics and I can express my spiritual questions. A couple even allow for health and sexual questions so there is a nitch that I can interact with without making my facebook page a running argument.

Politics: First let me say this and I don't think I've ever been as bi partisan as I'm about to be here. I will use my home state of Alabama as a basis for my financial statement so if you live in Europe or Southern California or the Northeast then you can adjust the math for your area.

For the sake of argument then here goes: If you make One Hundred Thousand dollars and up a year and you are a Democrat you're a dummy. If you make sixty thousand or less and you are a Republican. You're  a dummy. If you make anywhere from $40,000 and below and you are a Republican then you are a stone cold IDIOT! Now that is as blunt as I can be.

So when I hear people who are doing well say I vote GOP then I understand. I might not agree. But, I fully understand. But, when I hear people that are one paycheck away from losing their home or one injury or heart attack or car wreck away from financial ruin spouting about how they don't want to support dead beats who don't have health insurance I honestly cringe. 

Healthcare: I don't really understand people who say healthcare isn't a right. It's a privilege. Well, you know what? It's not a privilege or a right. It's a human need. And if you are so gripe gutted and spiritually blind that you think a person should die of cancer of heart disease or diabetes in a nation with all of our resources then I  got nothing else to say to you.

Abortion: Yeah I'm a little left of center and yeah I hate abortion. I cringe at people who say they are pro life and then promote policies that strip Medicaid and financial assistance to pregnant mothers and struggling families. But, I honestly don't see the difference in aborting a child and supporting taking medical care away from a child's family or an adults family for that matter. Watching people die on the street homeless and hungry in a land where we throw food away because it's past it's expiration date or was left over. We can and should do better. 

Jesus: This gets tricky. I call myself a Jesus Follower these days instead of a Christian. It's because I honestly believe in treating others the way I would want to be treated. I honestly believe in the reality of God taking human experience and showing that there is no barrier between the Divine and the creatures that are a part of the Divine. I have been raised to be a Christian my entire life. I have struggled with what I see as man made dogma and the silliness of one size fits all religion. But, I have never struggled with my core relationship with God/Holy Spirit/ Christ. I don't believe in hellfire and brimstone and I don't believe a Loving God could ever rest if even one creature was outside the reach of home. So, I'm a universalist. You can google it if you don't know what a Christian Universalist is. That is if you want to do that. I don't really care  cause I ain't trying to convert anybody to my way of thinking.

I actually have my own reasons to lean towards reincarnation as a partial explanation of spiritual realty. But, that also gets swallowed up in dogma and religion easily so I don't use the word belief or believe. Honestly, I don't "believe" in god. I have a life long inner dialog that has at times been responded to in dreams, visions and intuition enough that I know with intimacy the one that I commune with. I don't believe in the sunrise or the sunset. I don't believe in the evolution of the species or the airplane flying overhead. These things are self evident to me. I don't believe in my own inner life and dreams and thoughts because no "belief" is required. That's how I look at God/Ground of all being/Goddess/All that is. But, if you don't see it that way then I don't argue or blast you. I'm right and you're not and one bright day you will see that. :-) 

Conservative: Once in a story I was reading a group of devil worshipers were doing a ceremony. In the story an actual fallen angel is watching them. The demon is disgusted with them. amatures thought the demon. They have no idea what true evil is. Well, sometimes I think that as I read some far right person calling me a libtard or snowflake. Amature! You have no idea what a conservative is. I'm not one now. But, I was one. And a damn real one. I was a "Dittohead" and I laughed at all the in jokes "From the womb to the tomb." Basetball Jones and other Limbaugh idiocy. I yelled at women thinking about abortions and I made fun of the godless idiot liberals. 

But, then slowly I started to really listen to what was being said. Limbaugh once had a show where a liberal ecology person died of cancer. He spent a whole show running chain saw effects in the background and yelling "timber" every time he mentioned her death. I came away from that show feeling like I needed a bath. It felt like he had spent the whole show throwing eggs at a funeral. So, while I honestly hate the thought of anybody including him dying of cancer. I also understand that he could be a nasty piece of work. 

Then I started to listen to how cold it was to deny people healthcare and basic human dignity. and I slowly over the years turned left and liberal. In recent years I've turned back towards the center just a little bit. I'm still a little left but not so far my brains fall out.

Anyway, this has been a hard blog to write. I have gotten to the point where politics and religion and yelling at each other just wears me out. So, I'll leave this here and continue to focus on the positive. After all life is short. This journey has gone by fast. Seems like yesterday I was a kid and now I'm 63 and counting. 

Peace.

3AM Thoughts

   Do you Love?....Skeleton Crew forward page "Stephen King."

I had the above quote rattling around in my head this morning after waking up at around 3 and stumbling to the bathroom. Sounds like a nice little quote and certainly it could come from any number of places. But, I heard it in my favorite authors voice. Now, if you are a Shakespeare person or a gothic romance  person or a religious person then I guess that is certainly a time for wonderful inspiration. But, if you hear it in the voice of Stephen King and your thoughts go back to the late 70's and early 80's and you remember the moment you read it? When you had hair so long that you had to constantly sweep it out of your eyes in order to see. When you had energy and felt like the days were never ending and someday your princess would come. Or prince perhaps if you were a female. But, enough about you. Lets talk about me. After all. Who does anybody love more than me? Meaning you love you and I love me and we give lip service to the rest. 

Do you Love? 

Lord Yes. I love. I love to think that I am important in the cosmos and that somehow I'm entitled to happiness. The only problem is I keep trying to find my happiness by pleasing other people. At least I used to. Now as I get older I don't try that quite so often. Life's too short. 

I've never been good at math. I've never been great at sentence structure or punctuation. But, mostly I have always seemed to struggle with math. It's as if I have a little guy in my brain. I picture it as if he has a switch. Kind of like a cartoon assembly line. Here's a word, another word. There's a complete thought. It's fine. Wait! Here comes a number. Shut it down! So he hits the button and my brain freezes up. The number goes on by and he presses the button again and my brain unfreezes.

Do you love?

I remember sitting in a classroom in elementary school. I could always read for some reason. Couldn't spell for crap. But, I could read. The little guy in my head loved words. images and colors and having my head in the clouds. So, my first grade teacher would have me read to the class out loud. I'm an introvert by nature. Just keep your head down and this too shall pass. So, one day the teacher called on me to read a passage out loud. I decided to fix this problem and show the other kid's that I fit right in. I stumbled over every word. My little mind was racing ahead because after all it was reading and I was actually good at it. 

But, on this day I stuttered and stammered and acted like I didn't know what the word was or how to pronounce it. The teacher knew I was faking but the other kid's didn't. I was fitting in right? Oh well. Not really. I was  still the little four eyed nerd that talked through his nose and the bullies were still bullies. But, I was trying to please.

Do you love?

Anyway, as the years went by I was constantly trying to please. I checked the boxes after a slow start in my youth. 1. Girls: Liked them. A lot. 2. Sports: I liked sports. Followed sports. But, wasn't anybody's pick at running back or point guard. 3. Religion: I had always talked to God in my mind so religion came fairly naturally. 4. Job: I was a slow starter. But, once I did put my nose to the old grindstone I kept at it. 5. College: I went off and on. Finally finished a Social Work Degree but we won't discuss how many starts and stops and years that took. I did it and that's a checkmark. I also got married and held my son (Lord, I was afraid I would drop him.) I remember shaking I was so scared. But, the nurse said I could and seemed to think I should. There is nothing like holding your child and being with your wife and child in bed thinking "We made this."

Do you love?

I think about "love" a lot these days. I hear people throw it around all the time. I love you. But, then they get mad and decide they don't love the person at all. Or if they are a good Southerner they say. "I don't hate them. I just hate their ways." A Southerner says that because they don't think Jesus would approve of them hating somebody so they just "hate their ways." Kind of like "Bless their heart" I don't hate them but I hate their ways. I hope they find God. Which in Southern speak means "I hope Karma hits them in the mouth hard."

Do you love?

Seems like since the election the conservatives have found their love of the military again. Now, they will fight anybody that says anything against it. While a certain orange man was in office it was okay to belittle Prisoners of war or at least say "I like people that don't get caught." It was okay to talk crap about a vet who was captured by the enemy while serving his country while the orange man was having bone spurs and grabbing em by the ...Well, you know. But, I'm not as thrilled as some conservatives think. I am very concerned with cancel culture and echo chambers on the left and  right. But,

Do you Love?

I hear a lot about love of country. But, which country? After all New York City is part of the country. Birmingham, Alabama is part of the country. Nebraska, Kansas, Georgia, Delaware. East to West. North to South. But those same people that "love my country" can't stand certain other people so I really don't know that they love or even know what love is.

Do you love?

I do. But, I don't try to please people anymore. I know people that are afraid to express their doubts and feelings because the church will think they are toying with the devil. I've seen people afraid to admit they don't believe all the religious stuff they were told to believe in their youth. I've seen people who pray but are afraid to mention it because somebody on facebook might think they are a kook. So, I've decided to just be me. I don't buy the religious dogma I used to buy. I still pray to a personal power that gets me through life. I don't apologize anymore, anytime, anyway for any of it.

Do you Love? 

I love to see people smile. I love to see people laugh. I love ice cream and cake. I love my wife and child. I love old friends and old flames and smoky old barrooms and  ...oh wait. I was channeling Willie Nelson there for a moment. 

Do you Love?

I do. But, the world has teeth. More teeth than  a Stephen King novel Sharper than any blade in a slasher flick. Hard surfaces and sharp edges. Love is a rose. But, you better not pick it. The thorns are sharp and when you grab it they can cut you. So, I try to let other people have space and take the love they give and forgive them when they just don't have much of it left to give. 

Do you Love?

Bless my heart. I guess I do. I don't hate. Although some people's ways are hard to understand. Thanks for reading my 3AM rambles. 

Peace!