3AM Thoughts

   Do you Love?....Skeleton Crew forward page "Stephen King."

I had the above quote rattling around in my head this morning after waking up at around 3 and stumbling to the bathroom. Sounds like a nice little quote and certainly it could come from any number of places. But, I heard it in my favorite authors voice. Now, if you are a Shakespeare person or a gothic romance  person or a religious person then I guess that is certainly a time for wonderful inspiration. But, if you hear it in the voice of Stephen King and your thoughts go back to the late 70's and early 80's and you remember the moment you read it? When you had hair so long that you had to constantly sweep it out of your eyes in order to see. When you had energy and felt like the days were never ending and someday your princess would come. Or prince perhaps if you were a female. But, enough about you. Lets talk about me. After all. Who does anybody love more than me? Meaning you love you and I love me and we give lip service to the rest. 

Do you Love? 

Lord Yes. I love. I love to think that I am important in the cosmos and that somehow I'm entitled to happiness. The only problem is I keep trying to find my happiness by pleasing other people. At least I used to. Now as I get older I don't try that quite so often. Life's too short. 

I've never been good at math. I've never been great at sentence structure or punctuation. But, mostly I have always seemed to struggle with math. It's as if I have a little guy in my brain. I picture it as if he has a switch. Kind of like a cartoon assembly line. Here's a word, another word. There's a complete thought. It's fine. Wait! Here comes a number. Shut it down! So he hits the button and my brain freezes up. The number goes on by and he presses the button again and my brain unfreezes.

Do you love?

I remember sitting in a classroom in elementary school. I could always read for some reason. Couldn't spell for crap. But, I could read. The little guy in my head loved words. images and colors and having my head in the clouds. So, my first grade teacher would have me read to the class out loud. I'm an introvert by nature. Just keep your head down and this too shall pass. So, one day the teacher called on me to read a passage out loud. I decided to fix this problem and show the other kid's that I fit right in. I stumbled over every word. My little mind was racing ahead because after all it was reading and I was actually good at it. 

But, on this day I stuttered and stammered and acted like I didn't know what the word was or how to pronounce it. The teacher knew I was faking but the other kid's didn't. I was fitting in right? Oh well. Not really. I was  still the little four eyed nerd that talked through his nose and the bullies were still bullies. But, I was trying to please.

Do you love?

Anyway, as the years went by I was constantly trying to please. I checked the boxes after a slow start in my youth. 1. Girls: Liked them. A lot. 2. Sports: I liked sports. Followed sports. But, wasn't anybody's pick at running back or point guard. 3. Religion: I had always talked to God in my mind so religion came fairly naturally. 4. Job: I was a slow starter. But, once I did put my nose to the old grindstone I kept at it. 5. College: I went off and on. Finally finished a Social Work Degree but we won't discuss how many starts and stops and years that took. I did it and that's a checkmark. I also got married and held my son (Lord, I was afraid I would drop him.) I remember shaking I was so scared. But, the nurse said I could and seemed to think I should. There is nothing like holding your child and being with your wife and child in bed thinking "We made this."

Do you love?

I think about "love" a lot these days. I hear people throw it around all the time. I love you. But, then they get mad and decide they don't love the person at all. Or if they are a good Southerner they say. "I don't hate them. I just hate their ways." A Southerner says that because they don't think Jesus would approve of them hating somebody so they just "hate their ways." Kind of like "Bless their heart" I don't hate them but I hate their ways. I hope they find God. Which in Southern speak means "I hope Karma hits them in the mouth hard."

Do you love?

Seems like since the election the conservatives have found their love of the military again. Now, they will fight anybody that says anything against it. While a certain orange man was in office it was okay to belittle Prisoners of war or at least say "I like people that don't get caught." It was okay to talk crap about a vet who was captured by the enemy while serving his country while the orange man was having bone spurs and grabbing em by the ...Well, you know. But, I'm not as thrilled as some conservatives think. I am very concerned with cancel culture and echo chambers on the left and  right. But,

Do you Love?

I hear a lot about love of country. But, which country? After all New York City is part of the country. Birmingham, Alabama is part of the country. Nebraska, Kansas, Georgia, Delaware. East to West. North to South. But those same people that "love my country" can't stand certain other people so I really don't know that they love or even know what love is.

Do you love?

I do. But, I don't try to please people anymore. I know people that are afraid to express their doubts and feelings because the church will think they are toying with the devil. I've seen people afraid to admit they don't believe all the religious stuff they were told to believe in their youth. I've seen people who pray but are afraid to mention it because somebody on facebook might think they are a kook. So, I've decided to just be me. I don't buy the religious dogma I used to buy. I still pray to a personal power that gets me through life. I don't apologize anymore, anytime, anyway for any of it.

Do you Love? 

I love to see people smile. I love to see people laugh. I love ice cream and cake. I love my wife and child. I love old friends and old flames and smoky old barrooms and  ...oh wait. I was channeling Willie Nelson there for a moment. 

Do you Love?

I do. But, the world has teeth. More teeth than  a Stephen King novel Sharper than any blade in a slasher flick. Hard surfaces and sharp edges. Love is a rose. But, you better not pick it. The thorns are sharp and when you grab it they can cut you. So, I try to let other people have space and take the love they give and forgive them when they just don't have much of it left to give. 

Do you Love?

Bless my heart. I guess I do. I don't hate. Although some people's ways are hard to understand. Thanks for reading my 3AM rambles. 

Peace!