Thoughts

 I was "doom scrolling" on my Fire tablet this morning. Meaning I was reading the news on the internet app "Hotsheet." which connects to newspapers & political blogs across the political spectrum along with sports & other stuff. So when I click on Drudge Report or Huffington Post or other sources and scroll down I think of that as doom scrolling. I stole the term from a Stephen King tweet. My favorite author is rather guilty of hysterical tweets himself lately. But, I digress.

I turned 66 this year. I know! I couldn't believe it myself! Crap! Can't I get up out of a chair these days without passing gas? Hey! You kids! Stop riding your bikes in front of my dog! Now where was I? 

Oh yeah. I was going to say something about the culture war. I think we are all being distracted. While everybody is trying to cram religion, secularism, chicks with dicks, & trying to force young women to have a baby even if they are raped or are 13 years old our society is crumbling.

So smart butt Stevie has some answers. Your milage may vary and of course there's a chance I could be wrong.

Also. Full disclosure: Even though I'm from "The Deep South!" I hope y'all heard a deep condescending voice of a Northeastern American white news anchor reading off a teleprompter when you read that. But, again I digress.

So anyway as I was saying when I so rudely interrupted myself. Even though I'm Southern, white, old, baptized and fondly remember Pony Miller's and wacky terbacky I'm trying to be totally objective. Which of course is impossible but I try.

Wow! People get mad on the interwebs these days. Calling each other Nazi's and baby murderers and racist killer's! And that's just discussing college football.

 So let me say what I'm basing my opinions on. My own life experience and gut instinct. That's it! Full stop! This isn't based on religion, country, skin color, sexual preference (although if there is a tribe of tall blonde amazon women that want to abduct me and do unmentionable things to my body I'm available.) I'm old but I ain't dead yet!

 Sorry! Where was I? Oh yeah. I remember. I was giving my disclaimer. So anyway here's my thoughts as of this morning after one cup of coffee on the culture wars of the US and the world. Which like most Americans I'm pretty sure revolves around us.

Abortion: I Hate it and fully support a woman's right to choose. If men had babies you could get an abortion pill out of a vending machine. Y'all know it's true. But, I do get tired of certain far left people on TV acting like it's a holy right to decide the life inside you isn't something you want to be responsible for. It really is a potential child that when your old and your tattoo looks like a surgical scar and men no longer hover about you the adult child will still love their momma. But, sometimes a young woman is raped, or the baby Will be horribly deformed and has no real hope of a viable life. Sometimes the mother is in abject poverty and those so called pro life folks want to withhold medical and housing care. And sometimes a woman just doesn't want to carry a child.

So while I think young women should be informed of the truth and not be told they're a social warrior for women everywhere. It's still their choice. Not your church's choice, not your feminist choice. Their choice. Sorry. It's just true.

Privilege: This is a big one because it's based on lies! Being born white does not mean you automatically have an easy life. Being born black does not automatically mean you are oppressed and helpless. I knew a white child born with cerebral palsy. He had to be fed clothed and pushed in a wheelchair. I knew another child born black. He was handsome, strong and his parents loved him. So who had privilege? Please stop! We are all in our unique journeys through life. Some were born on third base and think they hit a triple. Some are born behind the foul line and honestly have a hard row to hoe. But most of us in this country are still able to go where we want, when we want and live the way we want. At least to an extent. 

Black lives matter: Yes they do. You know when else they matter? They matter when single mothers have to grieve when a gang member shoots into an apartment because he was disrespected. They Also matter when kids on the streets of Baltimore or Chicago or Birmingham or Tuscaloosa are getting killed.

But Joe Biden ain't visiting those folks and Al Sharpton ain't "saying their name." because there's no pub and virtue or late night tv hosts patting them on the head.

 No old white devil to blame it on. It's something that both black and white politicians could fix but they won't.

 Obama bailed out General Motors. Bush bombed a third world country back to the stone age. Congress gives billions of dollars to foreign countries everyday. But we can't build hospitals and mental health facilities and drug rehabilitation resources. 

 We can build more jails though. We can expect cops to deal with mental illness and poverty and drug addicted people which they don't have the training for. And it's honestly not what they should or even want to do. 

Gay Rights: I fully support people being who they are. Period. Joe wants to marry and leave all his worldly goods to Bob? Fine by me. None of my business. Your church doesn't believe in gay marriage? Fine. But understand that this is a nation of many people and religions and no religion at all. 

Marriage is only sacred if the married couple make it sacred. That's between y'all and God. But marriage in a free country is a legal binding of two adults. Stop splitting hairs and grow up.

Transgenderism: I sometimes think society loses the thread here. I always thought if you're a dude and you dress in women's clothing then you're a transvestite. Meaning you like women's clothing. Not my thing and not my business. 

I always thought if you decide to have surgery and hormone therapy that you are transgender. You don't simply say you're a woman. You literally have your dick removed (OUCH) and go through the medical procedures. Again. Not my business. Not my problem. Live life and be a decent person I don't care what you identify as. But, don't let minor children have life altering surgery that can't be reversed. You can't drive legally at 12. So support, love and affirm. But don't try to artificially stop nature and body changes in a minor child. It ain't that complicated folks.

But, while I fully support peoples right to attend and put on a drag show I do draw the line at sexualizing children. Schools have no right or obligation to discuss sexuality with minor children. Sex education such as function and consequences of active sexual lifestyle? Yes. In middle school and high school. Being confronted At 5 or 6 years old by drag queens or worrying about the religious philosophy of the First Baptist preacher? NO. See? I fixed it for ya. 

Bathrooms: if you're a parent and you let your 8 year old go into ANY public restroom alone boy or girl then you're a damn idiot! If you have a dick use the men's urinal and if you have a vagina then I assume you know what to do. If your dressed as a man or woman then use a water closet of the gender you're dressed as. Or build unisex bathrooms or quietly use your own judgement. This is so rare that I truly believe politicians should be working on more pressing needs. This is just a distraction.

Pronouns: Dear God! 

Who gives a chit? If you want to be called zer or Zey or them or they I don't care. I'm a decent human and if you ask me nicely to call you something I'll give it my best shot. But, at the end of the day Imma just talk so if I misgendet or mispronoun you and you get mad then that's a YOU problem.

Immigration: I think most if us are fine with people having a path to come to America. It's amazing how the media is no longer worried about children on the border or cages or mean old border patrol. Hmm. 

But, let me say this in defense of folks coming across the border. Most if them are trying to build a better life for themselves and their family. So take that into account no matter your politics when you see a person who is here "illegally." That doesn't mean you can't demand border security. It just means be a good human being. Be kind.

Politics: When I was younger I wasn't really concerned much with politics. Then as a young man in my mid 20's and 30's I was strongly conservative. I was a card carrying, Limbaugh listening dittohead. If you don't know what that is then Google is your friend. 

 Then around my late 30's and into my 40's I started becoming more liberal. By my mid 40's I was a born again left wing liberal. 

Then as I got older I started really looking and by my late 40's until today I have become middle of the road leaning a little left especially on social issues. 

I'm old school liberal when it comes to censorship. I hate it! Nobody should be shouted down without a fair hearing. No book should be banned or edited for "correctness." 

CNN & FOX: I just use those two because they are so well known. During the Trump presidency we honestly needed the CNN perspective because FOX was acting like a dictator's news source. In the Biden presidency we honestly need FOX because CNN is acting like a Soviet era mouthpiece for the Democrats. 

Truth is we need the truth. Not echo chambers. Thanks to the internet we can check a wide variety of sources. 

Also, thanks to the internet we can retreat to our echo chambers and continue to be mad & self righteous and yell over each other. 

Oh well. Good luck.

Final thought: A young man asked an old terminally ill man how it felt to think about dying. The old man answered "How does it feel pretending you're not?"

Life's short. Be kind. Eat the chocolate cake when you can.

Peace!

Spaceman Spiff!

 loved the X-Files! In the early 90's or as Dean Koontz said back then "on the cusp of the millennium." Cindy and I would be glued to the exploits of Mulder & Skully. By the way speaking of "Millennium" that was a very underrated show itself. 

I'm a boomer. I'm one of those born in the late 50's who missed Vietnam by a hair. Not quite old enough to be an actual hippy but close enough to understand the life style. At least a little. I started school in the day when America was rushing to get to the moon before the dreaded Soviets. We were taught that Israel might have been the chosen people but America was the Apple of God's eye. 

Into that atmosphere I dove into Batman & Superman comics. But I also had another passion. Space! Jules Bergman was an American journalist. When NASA launched The Mercury Spacecraft I would sit spellbound as he used a toy or model rocket and would detach different parts to show the way the rocket would launch, orbit & return to earth. In serious, wonderful black and white I watched raptly. 

Added to this I would get a library card and be amazed at the science fiction section. Robert Heinlein, Isaac Asimov and Ben Bova. Covers depicting rockets and planets and meteors. I wouldn't read the books much Because I was young and Asimov despite the covers bored me. But I would get comic books and watch all the science fiction movies that "Dialing for Dollar's" on channel 6 or 13 out of Birmingham would show. 

I remember when the U.S.A. won the race to the moon. It was just a matter of time before we would have moon bases and flying cars like the Jetson's cartoons. 

Somewhere in all that as I got older the paranormal merged with UFO lore. The spacemen became  interdimensional. A movie based on a book called Chariots of the God's came out. What if our ancient myths and legends were actually brought here from somewhere else? 

Then I discovered an actual serious researcher named Jaques Vallee. Stephen Spielberg would base the French scientist in Close Encounters on him. In the late 60's and early 70's Vallee had written "Passport to Magonia." it was an extensive study of flying craft, The Fae (Faerie folk of Europe) and African, Egyptian and Native American stories. He made and still makes the argument that the presence has always been with us. Appearing as fire and Angels or The Fae to spaceships in our modern times. 

In the 80's an American author that my little bookworm self was familiar with from a horror novel called The Wolfen wrote a book called "Communion." Whitley Strieber like so many before & since was attacked and called crazy. Just a failed horror writer trying to make it big.

The problem was Hollywood had already turned two of his novels "The Wolfen and The Hunger" Into popular movies so "failed" was not a term to use regarding him. 

Anyway this was right in my sweet spot. The boring Star Trek soulless universe was giving way to endless possibilities of unending space, life, consciousness and discovery. It wasn't the Klingon (Space Russian) or the ever so logical Vulcans that would make first contact.

It would be our forbearers. Spiritually wise and eternal. That had guided us not simply from a more technological earth from outer space but also from infinite inner space.

So now I am older. I have my own experience with spiritual and practical matters. I have an inner life and it is at times a dialog with The Divine and sometimes a crazy mess. I don't subscribe to ancient aliens or the sterile little blue ball with no meaning either. I've become or am becoming someone that has no label. 

I don't do much social media. A few Facebook memes and jokes and a few people I love and respect I keep in touch with on messenger. As a respectful older dude I stay off Tic Tock, Discord and most any other sites. I do however use Twitter. 

Back in the day I got the nickname "Tweet." I was young and I guess I reminded someone of Tweetybird from the cartoon. So when Twitter started up I had no choice. I had to grab Tweetybird as my profile pic and open an account under the handle TweetSnead.  So even if nobody else on Twitter gets it I have my own little inside joke. The revenge of the little guy. Call me a funny name & I turn it into an inside joke.

But, I discovered something on Twitter. A whole subculture of UFO nuts like me. So I post occasionally and read regularly at #ufotwitter. Most of us have a great time nerding out. But alas there are those true believers and true stick up their butt skeptics that fight and argue all day. 

Now honestly and not just because I love the possibilities. The so called skeptics are the worse. Calling names and demanding an accounting for why every light in the sky isn't swamp gas and the planet Venus. I've gotten to the point where the minute I hear a "skeptic" attack a person's character instead of honestly discussing I just skip over it.

I'm not a true believer in anything. I know what I've personally experienced and I meditate and ponder those things. Because all we know at any given time is our own inner life. 

But I love to think "what if?" when I look at the stars, moon and planets. I love to close my eyes and let go of trying to figure it out and just explore inner space. 

I figure at my age another 20 years or more if I'm blessed to see it and I won't care if a Democrat or a Republican is president. I have enough life experience to know the baton is passing no matter how much I want to keep running the same race.

But, when that day comes "What If?" So I'll keep watching the skies and inner space. I believe Paul said something like I wait all my life until my change comes!

I don't do religious dogma. I'm still religious in my own way. I just don't think I or anybody else has all the answers and one size doesn't fit all.

I've always been a book nerd. But as I've aged my attention span has shortened and my eye has floaters and I don't see well unless my nose is right in the print. So podcasts, YouTube Audible & ebooks are how I follow my interests. My Kindle can be adjusted for light and font and switched to dark mode. So I have quite the collection of UFO ebooks these days. I even read them from time to time. Once a book hoarder always a book hoarder. But at least ebooks don't take up much space.

Space. Oh yeah. This is where I came in.

Peace!

Ramblings of an Adam West Fan

 I never had to say I was Batman. I just showed up and everybody knew who I was...Adam West

  I've seen a lot of changes on my journey this go round. I didn't know how fast 6 & 1/2 and counting decades could go by. But I've learned a few things. Never apologise for being here. You have as much right as anybody else to breathe no matter your age, skin color, sexual preference, politics or religion.

We all play the game and when we dare to cheat ourselves at solitaire. Inventing lovers on the phone. Repenting other lives unknown...Janis Ian. "At Seventeen"

So after all these years I finally know better than to present myself for the approval of other's. In return I don't demand others present their "paper's" to me either. But I did want to ramble a little about this old world and it's changes. At least one man's observations. My credentials to talk? Life, being born, death (when it comes) and wherever the journey leads beyond this wonderful, tragic, cruel, loving world.

Religion: 

I had the right to remain silent. But I didn't have the ability...Ron White

I was raised "in the church" as we say in the South. So when other people especially younger people tell me to read the bible I have to laugh a little. Now don't get mad! I don't mean laugh in a derisive way. I just mean I was brought up on the bible. I've read it cover to cover. I'm found inspiration & comfort. I've done what most Christians do and halfway shut my eyes on the "kill every man, woman & child including the cattle" parts. 

But, I also read about the bible. It's not a book! There were ancient stories, wisdom, truths, parables & myths including accounts of war passed from generation to generation & finally written down & translated into many languages and cultures.

Then some "men" from Rome under the popes. (No girls allowed) who decided which of those writings were holy & which were not. 

Then some other men decided Rome wasn't the church after all and called themselves protestants but then called Rome false while keeping the Roman Catholic councils as "church fathers."

So as I grew older & read and prayed and thought about life I realized that God whoever and whatever He/She/Ground of all being is was most likely not bound to a religion or set of rules or a bunch of writings that men in funny hats decided was the inerrant final word of God. 

So I take the religion of my youth seriously because the idea of God becoming flesh and walking through this old world is awesome! I won't go into how and why I call myself a Jesus Follower and continue to pray and meditate because I'm not trying to convert or convince anyone of anything. I think the best we can do is to treat all creatures the way we want to be treated. You don't have to follow a religion or a belief to do that. Just be a good human.

And because I share the trait of having the right but not the ability to remain silent I have one more thing to add. 

In my younger days I was working at Popeyes Chicken. One of my jobs was to drop the Chicken in a big vat of hot grease. We kept a lot of flower on hand both to batter the Chicken but also when the grease would splatter. Because one little drop of that grease on your arm or your face would be unbearable. So we would grab a handful of flower and put it on our skin to soak up the spot of grease and get relief. 

One day I was thinking of a certain bully from middle school. General Forrest Jr. High in Gadsden, Alabama. This kid was cruel. Not cartoonist big bully. No. This one was flat out relentlessly mean! But I thought if I had that bully and I could. I still would NEVER place even the tip of his little finger in that hot oil. Not even my worst enemy would I do that to. 

So suffice it to say that I don't in anyway believe a God who is really The Source of all being and the incarnation of love could leave any creature in eternal torment. If it works for you that's fine. Just don't expect me to agree with you.

Final thing I'll say on this subject. No. I'm not an atheist. No. I don't attack Christianity. Yes. I still love Jesus. Yes. I still pray. No. I don't think you have to be any certain religion or any religion at all. No. I'm not going to argue my life or your Life on social media.

But I'd be honored to sit down one day over coffee or lunch and discuss your ideas respectfully. Just not on Facebook or social media. I follow certain groups & blogs and interests on Facebook & Twitter but I like my own page to be friendly, funny and a place to talk with old friends and make new friends. 

Homosexuality: I'm ashamed of the times in my youth when I could have been understanding and kind but chose silence and even a little casual meanness instead. You know the old Hollywood movie of the nerdish but still cool kid that doesn't fit in But yet accepts other's? Well that wasn't me. Sadly that isn't most humans. Those of us with ravaged faces or abusive homes or social awkwardness didn't automatically protect the other outcasts. Because in our deepest hearts we wanted to be accepted too. So we laughed or at least I did. At the jokes and slurs directed at gay people in order to be accepted by the cool kids. Also if their derision was focused on the gay or goth or other outcast then it wasn't focused on me. 

These days I see people as people and what they do privately as their business as long as they aren't hurting children or other vulnerable people. I have very little else to say on this subject. 

Trans: If you have a pee pee But dress like a woman you are a dude in drag and there is nothing wrong with that. Have fun. If you get your pee pee removed and have hormone and surgery treatments Then you are trans and there's nothing wrong with that. If you want to play sports and can pass a purely biological physical with a doctor there's nothing wrong with that. But, if you are biologically male then you don't get to compete against a biological female and there's nothing wrong with that.

No. We don't all have "the right" to play in certain leagues. Otherwise my little 5'3 butt would sue the NBA because only people who are really good at basketball get to sign an NBA contract. Is that fair? No! Okay. It's common sense. That's in short supply these days. 

Should drag shows be illegal? NO! Grown people have the right to entertain the way they choose. Should drag queens read to children? Not if it's a group of men with their junk showing and trying to talk about sexuality to a five year old. But, I wouldn't want a playboy bunny or a Chippendale model reading with their hoo ha or junk hanging out either. Common sense folks. Don't need government issuing far right laws or celebrating far left lunacy. Just common sense 

Race: it ain't that hard. We are all one race. The human race. We are all unique within our own beings. One size doesn't fit all so treat people the way you want to be treated.

Anyway. I hope I didn't offend too many people with this little ramble. It was just a little mental exercise and not meant to be a silly Mic drop echo chamber moment. 

Peace!

The Bardo

 In Buddhist teaching the Bardo is the place or state between death and rebirth. I'm not Buddhist and I don't subscribe to the Buddhist philosophy. But, as in most and maybe all ancient wisdom there is a seed of growth and truth there.

This is the time of year when my mind turns to thoughts of rebirth and new beginnings. But, the thing with beginnings is for something to begin or restart something else has to die.

I've given a lot of thought to what is going on with me. The great American sage Stephen King once wrote that in your 60's the bodies expiration date is really close to expiring. I was born in 1957 so you do the math if you want. I personally am not as interested in counting these days. 

I was watching a spiritual guru or teacher on youtube. No. Not my guru. I don't do guru's. I use the word in mild sarcasm here because he ( Eckhart Tolle) doesn't call himself a guru. It's just the audience was hanging on his every word. He does have wisdom mixed in with the natural human follies and along with Alan Watts & some people like Donald Hoffman I find much to learn from and much to toss out. But, I have the same human follies so what do I know?

Eckhart was asked about the near death experience and I was interested in his take. However he basically recited the " we are one consciousness experiencing itself and the ego dies." Which I call Buddhism 101. Nothing especially new and honestly it's just speculation. Which is something I'm good at. I can pull stuff outta my butt like nobodies business. Matter of fact my most aha moments have been when my mind is racing to make sense out of this horrible, wonderful, tragic, beautiful experience we call life. But then again I've also flipped cars, stopped by the police and been drunk, stoned and stupid a lot so again. Take anything I say with that in mind. I had a very misspent youth. And years of ongoing healing.

I do agree with Eckhart and the Dali Lama that we are part of the one indescribable and unknowable ( at least in this side of life) consciousness or beingness that all being comes from. Now you might think brain chemistry answers it all but it doesn't. You might think a pissed off old dude in the sky answers it all. It doesn't. Any God that can be regulated to earthly temper tantrums and one size fits all answers isn't the whole of God or ground of being. That type being is more like Thor or Superman. 

I tend to agree with Jesus in that the kingdom is within and we are all a part of The One. Actually so do Buddhist, Hindu's and Eckhart Tolle. But, as Christ was saying before Rome and the church interrupted him. "God is love and love never fails." So for me the death of the body doesn't equal the annihilation of my being or ego. It frees this particular child of God to continue on the journey of becoming. 

I have become a universalist in my old age. Of God (however you can conceive if him/her/they/it is truly love and love never fails then somewhere there is a reunion of all the love and a reconciliation of all the pain and hate that has been out along the journeys. 

I have my own reasons for suspecting reincarnation is a real mechanism for our evolving soul on this planet and maybe throughout the universe. I don't what death is but I think it's a transition. Anyway just some thoughts tonight after listening to a deep thinker and trying to honestly sit with my own thoughts. 

Peace.

Ufo's,ghosts&me

 From the time I was a child I've always loved ghost stories and tales of the fantastic and weird. One of my favorite memories is watching an old Dracula movie at the Rebel Drive In Theatre in my hometown. In Technicolor! From my seat in back beside my little sister I saw Dracula caught out in the sunlight. A stake driven through his heart and the sun coming up. 

The old monster was finally doomed. Right before my eyes and my mouth jammed full of popcorn he was desolving into dust. I can still see it vividly in my mind's eye. The vampire struggling, gurgling, dying as the sun hit him and all that was left was a pile of ashes and a bloody stake through what was once the heart. Man, That was fun!

Another childhood memory is watching the old Dialing for Dollars movie out of Birmingham. Old science fiction with collosal man in scary black and white as nuclear fallout changed a once handsome scientist into a giant angry crazed monster. The leading lady shouting his name but it was to late. 

Ironically it was my conservative country music loving mother who helped nurture my love of horror movies and black and white science fiction pics about the danger of nuclear weapons and men and creatures from outer space. 

One day at around 7 or 8 years old I'm watching a scary movie. I happen to look behind me and my mother had left the room. No adults. Not even an annoying sister. Just me. But you can't run. Because if you run the ghosts will know it. They will grab your foot and pull you back and no telling what else. So I stayed put. Glued to the TV as the lady on the screen has a running dialog in her own mind. 

What was that? The garden statue moved! She saw it! The camera pans into the idiotic face of the statue. It's blank staring eyes. My young mind is sure it moved. The lady is trying to persuade herself it didn't move. She must be right. I sure hope so. Just stay calm. An adult will come back any minute and the ghost will go away. 

But, they didn't! Not when the little girl aged on screen to an old woman beating on the wall with her cane. Not when the woman climbed the rickety staircase to hang herself. Not even at the end of the movie when the narrator said "Whatever walks at Hill House walks alone!" finally a commercial and I make a break for the front door and safety while the ghosts are distracted!

I'm at the movies with my cousin.It was a more child friendly Disney movie. Something like That Darn Cat or Herbie the Love Bug. But there is this preview for a movie called "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane." As a child I didn't know Bettie Davis or Joan Crawford. I assumed it was a movie about ghosts. They had a doll with a hole in it's head from a hammer in the preview. So in my child's imagination the movie was about a little girl named Baby Jane and the doll was part of what Baby Jane's ghost must have done.or maybe when the bad guys killed Baby Jane they broke her doll and the ghost of Baby Jane was mad.

Those of you who know the actual movie can see that my imagination created a whole nother movie! So one day I come in my aunt and uncles house and my older cousin is hiding behind the door. Right as I come in he steps behind me spreads his hand on top of my head and intoned loudly "BABY JANE!"

And people wonder why I have trust issues. But, I digress. Horror and flying saucers and monsters in movies, books & comics have always been scary fun for me.

So imagine how pleased I was in my later years to find a whole thread on Twitter devoted to Ufo's. Yep #ufo what could possibly go wrong? Well believe it or not some people don't find things that go bump in the night to be fun. These people call themselves skeptics. But they aren't skeptics. They're debunkers. Want to know how I know? Because their skepticism only goes one way. It's never pointed back at their own conclusions. They hate anything that even hints that there might be more to life and consciousness than their sterile ultimately meaningless March to personal and even species oblivion. 

The other group that sucks all the fun out are the true believers. It has to be highly evolved spacemen in nuts and bolts craft just chilling under a Star Trek type "Prime Directive" and swooping in once in a while to butcher a cow or stick a probe up a human's butt. 

Meanwhile I'm just thinking of all the possibilities of our weird universe and thinking of starry nights and how much fun it is to just entertain the thought that we will never be able to put existence in a box and we will never have to cease our exploring. 

Peace!

Dreaming myself awake

 

Are you asleep or are you awake? I was preparing to do a meditation using my phone app. I had turned off all notices so phone calls would go straight to voicemail. Breathing in and out. Watching the breath. Being present. Watching my thoughts but not engaging with them. 

The meditation leader then asked the question. Are you asleep or are you awake. I gradually, slowly left the dogma of my life long religion. Signposts along the way were books, history and my constant prayers to be open to the truth. Finally it was like ripping off a bandaid. It hurt. 

Prayerful meditation and honest self reflection got me through. Or I should say is getting me through. I tried to pretend nothing had changed But it had. Them I tried or at least casually explored Buddhism. But for me the faith of my youth stripped of the silly dogma and lived humbly while treating people the way I wanted to be treated still worked for me. 

So one day as I'm practising a Zen Buddhism group meditation at the local UU Church I came to the conclusion that was similar to FR Thomas Merton who while practicing Buddhist meditation realized his own Christian mystical tradition worked for him. My thought was a little less uplifting. I thought "Hey. I ain't trading one religious box just to crawl into another one." 

Death must be good, otherwise God would not have obtained that it happen for everyone. Why live in fear of it? Sri Sri Paramahansa Yogananda. 

Autobiography of a Yogi was a game changer for me. I read through it both by listening on Audible and reading it on my Kindle. But, honestly it was at times uplifting and at other times a slog. But. I think I got the gist of it. Chapter 43 titled "The Resurrection of Sri Yuketeswar" is one of my favorite passages in any book I've ever read.

Not because I converted to Hinduism. I didn't. But it just seemed to strike a chord with me. The body that was buried was the dream body in this dream world. The body Yokananda reported seeing his guru manifest was the actual vessel his spirit used. And it was itself not the final manifestation. Anyway I found it to resonate with some of my own journey. Was it literally true? I feel that when it comes to spiritual experiences truth can be spoken, modeled in nature and dreams and visions. 

Imaginal is how I think of it these days. Jeffery Mislove made the distinction on his podcast. Imagination is fine but we are mainly just doing wild conjecture. The Imaginal realm however isn't imagination or even myth. It's the actual possibility of consciousness. So chapter 43 May or may not be true in a by the book here and now sense. But, away from the dense filter of this dream world there might well be a world where the old body drops and our thoughts create a greater deeper reality.

I looked back and knew my sleeping body was back there. My companion was wise beyond all earthly measure. We walked under a red sky and the landscape was rocky. I asked him "what is the dream?" But as happens in dreams what I was really asking was who is God? What is life? What is death? 

He said "You ask too much." to which I felt myself start to cry. I woke up with a tear running down my cheek. 

Years later I think I understand. It wasn't that I wasn't allowed to know. It was the question wasn't the right question. You can't put reality in a box. You can't house God in a religion and death isn't something strange or final. It's part of the continuing journey. This is the dream. This world of limits and hard surfaces and sharp edges. 

I don't rush towards death and I'm not trying to hurry it. But, I am looking forward to waking up from the limits of this dream.

Peace!

Meditation

 Breath is wonderful. Feel it coming in as it flows into the nostrils. It comes up from the belly and soothes the chest and lungs. Breathe out. The whole face relaxes. The universe stops, listens. Breath of life and stillness of the universe. 

Stillness. Just be. No movement. Nowhere to go. No deadline to meet. No outer person to impress. Just be.

Form. A projection of just being. I am No Thing. Meaning I am pure being. I AM. When I drop the form I Am.

Mindfulness. Not intelligence. Not memories. Not a to do list. Nothing to add and nothing to subtract. Just mindfulness. Just being.

Death. Meaning without form. Form is temporary on one hand and yet eternal in mindfulness. Drop the body to form a new conception of being. Only to find it was the body that is new. The I Am is all there is.

Rebirth. Light is all there is. Even if you pass through darkness the light is what you look for. You might rest in the darkness. But, once you realize I Am the light is all there is.

Just breathe. What am I? Form? But what if the form disappears? Just breathe. Relax the body. Rest in the darkness. Enter the light.

Thank You God! Father/Mother of I Am. Bless the form. Help me find the light. Thank you for the moment. Thank you for Being. For I Am.

Note on this meditation:

If you came this far thank you for sharing my flow of consciousness. I have no proof to give you or any great Mic drop or just so narrative. 

I'm a searcher. I'm a pilgrim soul. I've been born again and I've doubted the existence of anything outside physical reality. I've meditated so deeply that I woke up filled with pure white light. I've come to a place in my life where I don't try to play religion or ask preachers what I should think. I certainly respect people of faith and I recognize people of no belief what so ever.

I'm with the Swedish psychiatrist Carl Jung. When asked if he believed in God. He said I don't believe. I Know! I agree. I've come to feel God as being outside space and time and in everything. I truly feel that's what Jesus was saying when he said the kingdom is within. When Buddha rejected his earthly royal birthright it was because he saw God in everything. In all beings.

I fully admit I don't understand all things. I don't know where I'm going or where I came from. That's why sometimes I try to be still. Listen. Just breathe!

Peace!