Teach your children well, Their father's hell did slowly go by...Crosby,Stills and Nash
So to my horror and pride and amazement I find myself in the car with my 16 year old son yesterday. I'm a Baby Boomer. Born on the tail end of the boom but still. I had a son later in life and now at 62 I have a full fledged teenager. I think he's more mature and in some way's an older soul than I was at the same age. I was angry and insecure and very, very innocent to the world. He seems more self assured and less anxious about life. But, then again his mom and I are both there for him and try not to mess him up. I'm a little left of center and she's really left of me so we haven't put a lot of the guilt on him that our conservative Bible Belt parents put on us. But, on the other hand we also haven't given him the absolute faith that my grandmother instilled in me. It still works for me. I know Cindy feels differently but I still find a certain strength in just getting off somewhere and talking to God. I mean I don't really think that God is an old angry man in the sky these day's. But, I still have an inner dialog and my own life experience that tells me I'm not alone. Still, we raised our son with no religion. I don't think that's either better or worse. It's just the way we have done it.
Baby I've been here before I know this room, and I've walked this floor...Lenard Cohen.
But, I do worry that I could fuck it up. Sorry if that offends but it's honestly how I feel. I don't really feel like a man in his early 60's. I still find my teens are just a thought away. I remember how fragile my ego and my self confidence was at that age and I don't want to mess up my child. I think it's easier to screw a young person up than it is to fix them.
People’s minds, particularly the minds of children, are like wells—deep wells full of sweet water.... Stephen King "Eyes of the Dragon."
So, I try not to screw up my child. I hope I didn't and I hope I don't. Youth. Man that goes by fast. So many hurdles to get past. Education, Jobs, Training, Relationships, Drugs, Alcohol, loneliness. Any and all of them can kick you in the butt at anytime.
I read The Eyes of the Dragon to my son over several nights when he was a little boy for his bedtime story. He liked it but he didn't grow up to be a Stephen King fan. Oh well, at least he grew up to like reading. So, I did something right. Anything good honestly and I'm not just saying this has come from his mother. She's the always there parent.
But my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be....Behind Blue Eyes...The Who
Well, first I don't have blue eyes. Secondly I do have a conscience. But, like some men especially in my family I tend to kind of go somewhere else. I am often somewhere back in time or in the future and distracted. I don't drink anymore and I haven't smoked pot in over 30 years. But, I still have the need to kind of zone out.
And you, of tender years, can't know the fears that your elders grew by,....Crosby, Stills and Nash.
Sometimes I just want to go back to around 1975 and pick up something I must have misplaced. But, I'm not sure what it is.
Well my time went so quickly I went licketly splitly out to my old 55 as I pulled away slowly feelinso holy God knows I was feelin' alive....Eagles....Ole 55
Maybe that's it. I felt so alive when I was in my teens. But, I was also fragile. I want to tell my son how fragile life is. How precious and hellish and fast it go's by. I just don't how.
Love lost, such a cost, give me things that don't get lost...Neil Young "Old Man."
So, I say a prayer to a God that has shifted on me through the years but has always and always will be there. I don't need to prove it to you. I'm past that now. But, I just hope I have left enough and hoped enough and been here enough to have encouraged my son.
A time to be born, a time to die a time to plant a time to reap A time to kill, a time to heal....The Byrds
I guess that's one of the things I've learned. There is a purpose. I don't always know what the hell it is. I mean shit happens. But, ultimately when you look at life and death and you look at a cancer ward and children dying and you understand that the universe can't be quite that blind and quite that stupid. I know it's weird but that's a reason to have faith. To not give up. Because this is a dream. A very persistent dream but a dream none the less.
This is all an elaborate hoax...Roger Ebert.
My son is not a believer in an afterlife. He is an Agnostic. Which is more honest in my opinion than straight atheism or dogmatic religion. But, I know that life is going to throw some things at him and I like to remind him that there is more than meets the eye to this world. I can't take my life experience and download it into him and make him a clone. I'm glad I can't. But, just as the religion of my grandmother doesn't work for me her prayer and faith still works even for me. It's hard to explain. It's just a foundation.
A dream as the thunder wakes her and her highway man disappears on a life already lived before in eyes welled with tears...Highwayman...Stevie Nicks.
The only religion I leave to my child is to treat others the way you want to be treated. This world likes to recycle so try to recycle empathy and compassion. Also, humor and hope.
Before my son was born we talked about names. Cindy and I finally settled on Fox. It was the name of our favorite character in our favorite show "The X-Files. I'm older than her and we didn't have an "our song" since I was Southern Rock and she was Alternative Rock. But, we had an "our show."
I was in Colorado Springs and she was pregnant with Fox. We had already decided to call him that. I was walking on Fort Carson and thinking about him on his way to earth. I think I first heard John Denver describing that feeling some years before about one of his children. Feeling their soul on the way to the planet. That day I could sense that he was near in some way. I looked up and there ahead of me in this army neighborhood was a little red Fox. I have told him that story. He remains agnostic to his father's belief in soul contracts and past lives and even psychic connection. After all he doesn't remember it.
Still, maybe somewhere down the line he will need to have a reason to hope that this is not all there is. Maybe I have at least left him that and maybe a little more than just that..
I'm sailing away set an open course for the virgin sea. I've got to be free. Free to face the life that's ahead of me. On board I'm the captain so climb aboard We'll search for tomorrow on every shore and I'll try oh Lord I'll try to carry on...Come Sail Away...Styx
Good luck son. Full sails and happy sailing.
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