My Place

During my morning check in with The Ground of My Being/God/Source. I was thinking about what kind of being I am. Now, I have left much of my religious dogma behind. I just can’t pretend to believe in something that I no longer accept as true just to fit in or get a pat on the head from a church or a group of people. I haven’t become an atheist. I don’t believe that way has any hope and it’s like becoming a meatbot or a brain fart. It’s not something I would ever aspire to even if it were true. I wouldn’t be joyfully acting as if it were good news. You can put lipstick on a corpse but it’s still a corpse. However, I no longer believe in a superman in the sky with a big S under his cloak and a rule book in his hand just waiting for me to screw up. So, that’s the fast version of some of my morning thoughts.

I’m not mad at religion. I’m not mad at the church and I have no horror stories of hypocrites or pedophiles or false prophets that caused me to lose my faith. I didn’t lose my faith. My faith is in the ever present dialog that I’ve had ever since I can remember. I have a quick story that has been the one absolute of my whole life. It started as a child and it developed during all the stages of my life including the Christian as well as the so called secular stage. It’s still developing. But, here’s the short version.

1968- 69-70 or somewhere in there. I’m 11,12 or 13 years old. Time is funny once you get older. My favorite author Stephen King once said something to the effect of “Once you reach 60 the expiration date expires.” I’m getting there. Fast. Matter of fact I have around 41 days left to say I’m in my 50’s. Yikes!

Anyway, there I am a young kid and I hear a Sunday School sermon in my local Southern Baptist church about how God can forgive anything except blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. Well, being a very inquisitive child and a voracious reader with a very vivid imagination you can imagine (or if your lucky you can’t) the immediate thoughts and scenes and stuff I’d rather not even approach that went through my young mind. I was horrified. I was pretty sure I was about to be damned to eternal torment in flames of fire because of my thoughts. My “what if I thought or said this or that?” Ahh, intelligence. It can be a two edged sword to say the least.

So, as I’ve done my entire life I had to get away with my thoughts and be by myself. So, I go into the backyard and turn this situation over in my mind. I also begin talking to God as best I understood god to be back in those days.  But, here’s where it gets better. Right after it got worse. I’m praying and telling God that I really don’t want to be burned forever because of my thoughts and I really couldn’t help having thoughtsandohpleaseohpleaseohpleastdonthateme.

I get calm. I see a room and a couch. It’s my place. It’s his place. I’m safe. I hear a thought. It goes “I’m here and I know you.” “I’m not a fortune teller” “I’m not outside somewhere judging you as a person who doesn’t know you.” “Those thoughts you’re having are directed at me. So, you just sit here. See the door over there?” I thought yes. “Well, look outside the door. They’re beating on it.” “I’ll answer it.”

Instant Relief! The Holy Spirit, God will answer it.

So, from that moment on Everytime the intrusive and scary  thoughts came I would find my/our room. I would sit down and let him answer them.

So, yeah I believe in God. Now has my life been a barrel of roses? Of course not. I  don’t have an instant get out of jail free card. I don’t have absolute faith and I don’t have a box to put faith in. But, I have seen my room and my space and it’s wonderful. I’ve been attacked and abused and some have tried to throw me to the gutter. But, everytime I’ve been able to get to my space. My place, our place.

So, no I don’t believe because the bible says so or a preacher says so or I’m prone to accept fairy tales and wishful thinking more than the next guy. I believe because I have at a young age touched fear and came away with the hope of the infinite.

So, no I don’t need a preacher or a guru to teach me what I have already been given. I know I sound like a heretic to some and a space cadet to others. But, I have this place that I can be honest and whole and have a little touch of home while I’m still on the journey.

Peace.