Ramblings at 3:00 AM

  So, here we are again. I wonder about how all this works. From the time of my youth you have allowed me to come to this place. I can see it clearly at times. At other times not so clearly. I remember the first time or at least the concept of the first time I came here. I was just a kid and scared by a fire and brimstone sermon and was really sure that I was about to be thrown in hell for my sins. No, I realize now that kid's shouldn't be worried about the weight and guilty feelings of the elders. But, it happens and so there I was. Out in my yard and honestly telling God that I would never do such things as were running through my young mind. Really intrusive thoughts were pummeling me.

But, I got quiet and still because you did answer. In the confusion of my mind and the pummeling of thoughts you brought me to a room. A heart room, a sanctuary. I saw a couch and I set down and there you were. You said "It's okay." "those voices are calling and talking about me not you." "So, from now on anytime you hear them picture this sanctuary. This is your place and my place. You and I are the only ones with any authority here. I am the only authority that has the right to touch you here. To be here with you. So, picture a door and see them knocking on it. From now on whenever you hear those voices or think those thoughts just sit here. I'll answer the door. You did answer the door. You answered the door every time they knocked over the years. You saved my sanity and when I was strong enough to stand on my own you allowed me to stand. 

I still come to this room from time to time. I still need the sanctuary. I don't battle those particular demons these days. I don't have to because you answered the door a long time ago. I know that several years ago I woke up in a dream in this room. You gave me another gift and an assurance that things are on schedule but, that I shouldn't try to worry about things that are not ready yet. 

Lately, I've tried to meditate in a place with a running creek and it's been pretty good. I even have an app on my phone that I can play and hear water running. I can imagine the banks of the stream and think and meditate. It's not the same as the sanctuary but, it's my attempt at the walks I used to do up at Noccalula Falls in Gadsden, Alabama when I was a teenager and young adult.

My favorite thing was the New Year's Eve walks where I would get a breakfast biscuit and a cup of coffee early in the morning and head up to the falls and walk in the woods. I would think and pray and we would have the inner dialog and the out loud talks that have secured my sanity over the years. I have done those walks over the years but not in recent years. But, I've never forgotten them. Now that I'm retired who knows? Maybe I'll find a place and a time to resume my New Year's Walk. I won't rush it because if it's time I won't have to. 

I remember back when I was young and really wanted to know just what was true. Was the fire and brimstone of my youth true? Was the atheism of some of the smart people who sniped about religion true? What about those memories of another time and place that I had snippets of? What were they? Was the bible true? I just kept living and talking to you and slowly oh, so slowly learning to think for myself. I put down a lot of stuff over the years. I came to terms with the inconsistency of the fire and brimstone religion of my upbringing. I was able to make up my own mind about the hopelessness of atheism and trying to put lipstick on a dead pig and calling it meaningful. If there was no meaning then the universe was cold, stupid and insane. Not even evil, just insane. If God were a puppet master being arbitrary and deciding that if you said the sinner's prayer and recited a creed you were okay but if you didn't then you would burn up forever then God should be spelled with a little "g" not a bit "G" 

So, I kept moving and living. At times pushing away the inner voice and doing what I had to do to fit in and be a part of the club. Falling in love and lust and self medicating with alcohol and some drugs from time to time. Screwing up and not treating loved ones and animals and other people with the respect they deserved. I think I slept through the entire decade of the 80's or at least was so drunk and stoned and in and out of the religion of my youth getting a healthy dose of guilt that the decade just kind of passed me by. Or I passed it by. Whatever!

I got my feet under me in the late 80's. I still had a lot of trauma to come and I had no idea what the universe was about to unload on my young and aging adult ass. But, I did get my sea legs and was able to navigate my way a little better. Day by day a little more securely. 

So, a little over a year ago I find myself in a hospital with a leaky heart valve and after years of ignoring the flip flops of my heart and avoiding cardiologist the universe smacks me upside the head and there I was. Got to go under the knife or die a slow death by drowning in my own fluids. I'm not trying to be dramatic here. It's just the truth. So, I finally get the surgery. I chose the mini invasive. Meaning  they make a robotic cut and instead of breaking the sternum they go in and remotely replace the valve. It was the heart/lung machine that scared the shit out of me. This little ole heart had been beating for about six decades and I was pretty sure it had not taken many breaks over the years. But, now it would be stopped and it's function would be taken over by a machine for a few hours give or take. What if it wouldn't start back up? But, like I said once you hear the cardioloigst tell you that the breathing will get worse and you will get weaker and weaker and unable to breathe until you die it kind of makes you a little less hesitant to go under the knife.

I did wake up. But, then the stitches sprang a leak and I had to have another surgeon at another hospital repair the leak. Thanks to my wife Cindy who got on the phone and the internet and researched and called between hospitals and surgeons until she found the guy who could do the job. Long story short she saved my life with her persistence. I was so tired and weak by then that I wasn't going to be able to save myself. But, the day came and there I was ready to be transferred to another hospital and another procedure. This time they wouldn't stop the heart. It wasn't strong enough. They would go through the groin and plug the leak. Thankfully, medical science has really progressed in open heart and valve replacement and now they are not always having to open the heart.

Anyway, back to me and you. You gave me the inspiration/vision/intuition while I was in the hospital of being shot out of a pin ball machine through the universe to a purposeful destination. That's how I felt in the ambulance. That I was being lined back up in front of the lever in a pin ball machine and God had pulled the lever and shot me back through the universe and I was traveling to another destination and so I lay back in the ambulance and allowed the universe to do it's thing.

So, they plugged the heart valve and the heart is getting stronger by the day and life has really changed for me. I look at every day as a gift. A bonus. I feel like I'm playing with house money. I really was almost gone and now I'm able to walk around. To laugh with my son and talk and argue with my wife and catch up with old friends on facebook. My memory isn't a steel trap like it was in my youth. I no longer have as much patience as I did. I can't lift heavy objects and if I had to defend myself in a fight i'd be in trouble. I still run my little mouth though. 

  So, what have I learned? That the universe has a purpose but no I don't think God sits on a throne and micro manages everything. I think we live with a plan and the first time we get hit in the mouth we drop the plan and have to keep playing the game. I think shit happens and I think the bad guys win more often than we are comfortable with. 

But, ultimately there is a river. A time when I will and so will all creatures drop the body. I had a dream one night many years ago. I came to a river. It looked really cold and I was afraid to cross. I told whoever was there that I couldn't cross . I'd die it was so cold. "Get in. You have to cross." Finally, after really not wanting to enter I did get in. The cold was so intense that I felt it freezing my body. I knew I would die. But, the exhilaration was so immense that I felt my spirit, myself soaring in joy. 

So, here we are. Still on the journey. You have given me some more time and yet I could die today. That's the thing that I think frustrates atheist and terrifies religious people. There is no absolute guarantee that the good guys will win and that we will be physically protected. No rapture of the saints out of the cold cruel world. No, scientific utopia where we find the cell that will reverse aging and death. We have right now, right here. This eternal moment. Death? Sickness? yeah. But, also hope and life and health. It all gets jumbled up together. 

Scary? Yeah. But, there is a river! 

Peace!