In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
ey, ey, ey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
ey, ey, ey, ey, oh, dou, dou, dou, dou, dou...
The CranBerries.
I was hearing this song in my head today. Back when we were first married Cindy would play this and sing on her acoustic guitar. She even hit the Irish accent on some of the lyrics. Maybe due to the Scots/Irish roots of both family trees? I doubt it. I think she just liked the group. ;-) But, I digress. When do I not?
I have a running dialog in my head. Always have. As I get older I have to be careful it doesn't spill over from my head to my mouth. One of those moments when I think to myself. Did I say that out loud? :-)
Anyway, yesterday I was having the usual dialog in my head during a time of being in a Unitarian Church service. A Unitarian services is certainly different from the fire and brimstone of my youth. But, it's also more boring. Lord help me I was thinking while they were doing some vacuous meandering that wouldn't it be crazy if one of the people from my Grandmother's Pentecostal church happened in after 35 years and started speaking in tongues. :-0
Well, it wouldn't be boring. :-)
That's the kind of thing my mind (Cindy says it's adult ADD but, it's always been there) gets up to when I'm bored. Now, don't get me wrong. I think these folks are well educated and smart and I like them. Great folks to sit around the table and talk lit and history and civil rights with. I'm no fire and brimstone evangelical these days. Still, it's not really my cup of tea for acknowledging the holy or the mystery of being.
Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor,
'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you...Stealers Wheel
Well, so there I am and their talking about fish being our ancestors. Now, look I'm as well educated as I can be. I'm reminded of Jerry Clower's great quote: "Some people are educated above their intelligence." Even in Alabama we know that once ya get past the third cousin it's a very tenacious bloodline. Not that gives an excuse for some of our inbred politicians in this state. But, again I digress. :-)
If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountain should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry
No, I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me...John Lennon
I still feel that presence, that inner dialog. It's going to be okay. There's a place and a realness inside me that says Helen Keller is right. No matter how many fish cousins I have. :-)
"Death is no more than passing from one room into another. ... Because in that other room I shall be able to see." - Helen Keller.
I'm still freaked out when I look in the mirror though. I mean there's this little fat man with very little hair and I'm wondering where I went. But, then again I go back to my inner dialog and I know I'm still here. Along with the cast of characters in my head. But, lets not go there. I'm a social worker by trade and I'd hate to seem like I go around talking to myself. :-) Who said that?
Open up the window, let some air into this room
I think I'm almost chokin' from the smell of stale perfume
And that cigarette you're smokin' 'bout scare me half to death
Open up the window, sucker, let me catch my breath
Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
"That ain't the way to have fun, son"
"That ain't the way to have fun, son"...Three Dog Night
I don't know for sure. But, I think it's okay to have fun. But, here's a secret. Being addicted to something isn't fun. Took me years to understand that having fun isn't trying hard. It's just letting life flow. I still don't always get it right.
My favorite author (Stephen King) tells a story or did in one of his books or a interview or something. I forget just where and it may or may not be original with him. But, it goes like this:
So, Job after all his trials looks up at God and says: Why have you done this all these things or allowed all these things to be done to me? Why?
Out of the darkening sky thunder rolls. A deep (cue Charleston Heston here) voice rumbles in answer.
"Because ya know Job? Something about you just pisses me off!"
:-)
Yeah, I know. That's not very reverent is it? Well, neither is asking God to destroy the Palestinians or let the conservatives bomb third world countries to oblivion in Jesus name either. I mean I see a well meaning artist depicting Jesus Christ holding the constitution. Give me a frickin Break! But, lets (meaning me) back away from the politics. My voice gets a little shrill and my self righteousness meter starts to go up. Not cool or funny.
But, anyway when I'm not thinking of how much fun it would be to see staid social gatherings interrupted by human passion or thinking about crude jokes while in a department meeting at work while the supervisor is asking me how my case load is doing. (it's that dang inner dialog) mental Stevie just can't sit still. ;-) How old am I? I think and that starts it's own trail down the rabbit hole. :-0
These days I'm learning the joys of over 50 (some odd years over 50 but lets not split hairs.) body movement. I'm going to have to stand up in a crowded room and try my best not to fart! True story, I never know what the ole bod is about to do these days. ;-)
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb
I have become comfortably numb...Pink Floyd
Well, at least my comfortable numbness these days isn't from artificial means. I would pass all blood test unless they make coffee illegal. :-)
Anyway, it's a fun, wonderful, tragic ride and I'm still up for it (Thank God)
People are crazy and evil and wonderful and caring and racist and stupid and smart. I do think it's more than a sperm lottery. But, I don't know exactly what it's about. I have intimations of immortality. I also have to watch when I stand up fast these days. Also, when I sneeze hard. :-)
There's something happening here
What it is ain't exactly clear...Buffalo SpringField.
So, have a Coke and a Smile and remember the world is Strong enough for a man. But, made for a woman! Okay, that makes no sense in that context. Well, maybe it does. :-)
Peace!
