"Oh bless thee continuous stutter
Of the word being made into flesh..."
- Leonard Cohen
I
stand by a river. "I" meaning me, being, spirit, I Am. It's cold and I
am so afraid to enter it. I turn and say "It will freeze me and I'll
die." You have to go in. I'll be there with you and I'll meet you over
there. "Trust me." But, it's so cold." I step in....Sound and fury...temper, she has one. She's really young and I feel the pulse of her heart but I don';t really know. What is this? I can't really find it but there is a thread...I was just there and...I'm born!
I lie here and look up...so much sound and light and noise...That looks like a face that loves me...His hat is a little crooked and he calls himself granddaddy...I don't know for sure where or what this is.
I remember faces though. As I get a little older.
I close my eyes right before morning and I see faces. People that I know but I don't remember who or how right now. I can almost remember that I started somewhere and I am here to...what? I don't know but I am here and I was put on the journey.
Interlude:
I had a dream when I was a little boy. In this dream I saw a staircase. There was someone beside me. Walk up this staircase. Every time you make a mark with your foot you are getting closer to God.I started out and looked down...There it was! I kept going up the steps until I reached the top. I made a mark on every step and this was the top. I stepped up and I looked down. There it was...You belong to God!
I remember going to Walnut Park School...My friend lived right up Chester Street. Just right up the sidewalk. We went together to get our vaccination. I hope it doesn't hurt too much...
I am over at my grandparents house. Not so long ago my sister and I found some paint that was open in a room. We thought it would be great fun to help the grownups and we started painting everything...They were not as pleased as we thought they would be...
I'm about to cross the street. My mother is over there on the porch and she has an apple. I really want some of that apple.
Where am I. I hear a siren and I have bitten my tongue clear through. My mother is over me and she is crying. I don't think she cries that often...I was about to go across and a car came from...really? It ran over me? Oh, it hit me.
I remember being in the school lunch room and I would look at all the kids and it seemed I really should be here. It's funny but back then it seemed as if we were all in this together. Some of them were so familiar to me. It's funny how you are drawn to some people in life. Not all of them return the feeling. But, you know somehow there is a connection
Not in entire forgetfulness,. And not in utter nakedness,. But trailing clouds of glory do we come,...William Wordsworth
High school. We were going on a field trip to see some department or other at Gadsden State. There is this girl just sitting there in the sun eating lunch. I don't really know her but I do go to school with her. She looks so peaceful right there. The sun is slanting just so. I feel as if I could walk over there and sit down and talk and just be. It reminds me of "home."
Interlude II:
I can't remember the year. I know I was young. How young? Teenager? young man? preteen? Been a long time. But, I was troubled one night and couldn't sleep. I was living with my grandparents. They lived in a big old house in Altoona, Alabama. I was scared in that house. I always felt like somebody was watching me. There was a chair by the bed. Now, this wasn't a "dream." I felt, knew that someone was there. All of a sudden I just knew. It was an "angel." I didn't look over to verify it. I didn't need to look over. Do you look over when you are a child and your parent comes into a room and looks in on you? Do you need to look over when you know a loved one is there? I slept. I was safe..
What is life? I'm not sure. I really think that if I could just close my eyes and be still that the "universe" is right there. I have it all within me. Silly? New age gobbledy gook? No, I really do think it's there.
I wonder about life and relationships. Some people think we are just here by chance. Some win the sperm lottery and some don't . Others, think that "if" we are in the right place at the right time. If we are drawn to it and pray a certain prayer that we are then "in the club." If, we don't screw it up we will then be accepted in when we die. Others think we do this over and over until we get it right. You draw everything to you and you are the one who benefits and loses according to "karma." Me? I think it's a more complicated and more wonderful and more simple process and reason than we can realize.
Now don't get me wrong I don't have mystical dreams or angelic visits every night. I'm in my later fifties now and so the ones I remember were somehow so meaningful to me and inscribed on my psyche that I carry them with me. But, most of the time I don't remember dreams and I don't get angels swooping in to chop off the heads of the bad guys. At least I don't see them there with my eyes or even feel them. Stuff happens. But, I don't believe it happens in a vacuum.
Interlude III:
I am standing in a dream and I wake up. I see my body "there." It's back there. The sky is red and he is walking beside me. I turn and ask a question. He can tell me. I want to know. What is the dream? I really need to know. I need to know why I am here. What does it mean? What is life? He answers me. "You ask too much." A tear starts down my cheek and I'm back in my body...I wipe the tear off as I "wake up."
I have thought ever since then that life is the "dream." We don't wake up very often during the dream.
I am getting close now to that river..No, not yet (I don't think it's quite that close yet.) I think I have miles to go before I wake up completely.
I dreamed last night I was talking to a long ago schoolmate. No, not a visit from the other side. she is still with us and I'm still with us. It was a dream that you sometime have about people that you have known or met. But, it did get me to thinking about connections and life and how we come into orbit with each other. Sometime for a lifetime and sometime for a moment. But, it does matter and it's all connected.
I read a book once about a person who died and found himself on a road. He would visit and rest and talk with people and interact with places from his lifetime. He would stay in a home for a time and then continue his journey.
I wonder about that. Maybe, there is a tree somewhere and the light is slanted just so and I will sit there for a little while and talk with a friend and relax on my way down the road.
Interlude IV:
A river, it's so cold...I'm afraid to get in there. I will freeze if I go in there..."Relax, I'm with you." But, it's so cold and I am so afraid that I will die if I go in there..."Relax and know I'll be waiting on the other side for you" I always have and I always will until you wake up.
