I've wondered about this over the course of several years. There have been times when I've thought "If I could just look intently enough I could see the edge of this reality." Sounds weird? Well, I was a weird kid growing up. There's a podcast called "Rune Soup" dealing with paranormal topics that I listen to on occasion and the host ask's every guest "were you a weird kid?" But, let me digress
Fly me high through the starry skies maybe to an astral plane...Dream Weaver
As a young adult I had a lucid dream some years ago. I became aware I was dreaming. I'm walking across a red tinted landscape. I have the thought "my bodies back there." I keep going since I'm obviously right here. I'm also aware there is a person walking beside me. I can't really see him clearly or I just don't look closely. This is a several year's old memory.
I thought that they were angels but to my surprise. They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies...Styx "Come Sail Away."
Well, he wasn't a space alien of that I'm sure. An angel? I don't know but I remember thinking he "knows." This person walking beside me right now absolutely knows the answers to the biggest questions in my life.
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions. ...Stevie Nicks
My questions. Who or what is God? Which religion is right? What happens when we die? Do we actually have a spirit or are we a spirit? Why was I born and why do I die and where do I go when I do die?
Lot of questions about death right? Well in all honesty I have thought about that from my youth. But as an older adult? "@#$% gettin real."
I read a book review the other day. An atheist I guess wrote it and he didn't like this particular academic's book that seemed to say everything is conscious. That matter didn't come first. The reviewer said that we die and that's it and he is happy about that and would hate to live forever. Really? I thought "Okay dude since life is so horrible to you why aren't you jumping off the nearest cliff?" The thing is his review got a lot of likes on Amazon. I have to be honest. I do want to live forever. I've heard well what if it get's boring? My response is have you looked at the cosmos? Have you considered how awesome and how incredible experience must be and how many places and things haven't even entered your earthly mind that can exist beyond these few wonderful tragic days that we have here?
I fly a starship across the universe divide and when I reach the other side. I'll find a place to rest my spirit if I can. Perhaps I may become a highway man again...The Highwayman Chris Kristopherson, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson.
I had a good friend. No we weren't best friends. I was older and my friend was a rock star. Not an actual one although he played music. He was a chick magnet though. Must be nice. Anyway, he died at a young age. I'm not sure he was fifty but if he was it wasn't by much. We could talk about anything. I've had closer friends and people I grew up with but never anybody that I could just talk with the way I could with David. There was nothing off limits and no judgement. You said what you thought when you thought it and I still remember one of his sayings. "Fuck em if they can't take a joke." We connected again via phone before he died. He told me he was dying but I couldn't really get my head around that. In my minds eye I still saw the long haired musician ready to party and rock all night. If I had just realized how close he was I honestly would have gotten to Birmingham to see him. Anyway, he said something to me that I absolutely understand and agree with. We talked some about religion. Both of us raised in a very bible thumping background and both of us pretty sure that most of the religious dogma was bullshit. But, I also felt and still feel that we are more than a cosmic accident. He had come to believe that too. He said he didn't know for sure what happened after death but he felt that something certainly did. That God must be more than the hypocritical angry old man of his childhood religion. I expressed my thoughts that we more than likely reincarnate but who knows? Anyway, he said one thing that has stuck with me. He said he didn't know for sure what the afterlife would be like but he did know one thing. He said "I like to be." I agree with all my heart. I like to be. Cause as long as "I be" or I am then there is hope.
"Ain't it hard when you're all alone in the center ring? Now there's no time left to borrow. Only Stardust. Maybe tomorrow. ....Desperado Reprise....Eagles
So, I hold on to today but hope for tomorrow. I have reason to believe there is always now and tomorrow is always coming.
So, back to my dream. I look over at this person walking beside me and I ask "What is the dream?" Meaning who is God? What is life? Is there life after death? What and who am I? He said "You ask too much." I felt a tear run down my cheek. Then I woke up and I had an actual tear running down my cheek.
Sing with me, sing for the year, sing for the laughter, sing for the tear.Sing with me just for today. Maybe tomorrow the Good Lord will take you away...Aerosmith.
Lessons learned. Well, I have traveled a few more roads since that dream. I've had some experiences and at times I have felt my spirit rise to the heavens and other times I have felt like an automaton with no more purpose than a brain induced hallucination or chemical reaction. But, I've seen just enough even in those times to know that I'm not a brain induced hallucination. I've had those most recently after heart surgery. So, I know the difference. But, for some reason I still wonder what this is all about. I think it's a dream.
If I had ever been here before on another time around the wheel. I would probably know just how to deal with all of you...Deja Vu...Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
The dream is one of the highlights of the journey for me. It changed over time or added over time to the way I look at life. I also heard about Steve Jobs on his deathbed saying "Ow wow, oh wow, oh wow." Rodger Ebert saying "this whole thing is just an elaborate hoax." Ever since that night I have felt that life is kind of like a dream. I even saw a facebook meme that said "Maybe life is a dream and when we die we wake up." I suspect that is pretty close to the truth. I find myself hoping so.
So you can get on with your search baby and I can get on with mine. And maybe someday we will find. That it wasn't really wasted time...Eagles.
So, I continue my journey. I don't do a lot of religion these days and I don't argue or try to convert people. We all have our own dream to live. But, I do believe that God is sane and that the universe is built for spirit and for life. For love. I'll hold on to that during this part of the dream because there are days when it's hard to see the good and "love" is a word thrown around loosely that really means to most people "I'll love you as long as you don't piss me off." I think religion has made a living off that type "love." But, on the other hand my religion has gotten me through some dark times so I'm not angry at faith or those who still practice their faith. I'm just trying to be honest these days about what I really believe.
I did my best it wasn't much. I couldn't feel so I tried to touch. I've told the truth. I didn't come to fool you.And even though it all went wrong I'll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but hallelujah. ....Leonard Cohen.
If you read all the way to the end I am honored that you took the time. Hallelujah and Peace.