I use this blog for my own meditation and even as a form of prayer as much as I use it to say "Hey, look what I think." I do that too but I also use it as I said to talk to the source of my being and contemplate my place in the grand plan of "being." With that said I have been thinking of the things that make me feel farther from God.
Now, one thing I have learned in this life (imo) that means in my opinion for all you old folks. :-) Is that God is not far away in another realm looking at me from the outside. Still, I'm Christian. I was born and raised in the bible belt. So, as much as I yell "Progressive or Liberal" Christian (which I consider myself to be) my roots are still very much with the Father, God personal Savior form of the faith. I might not "believe" all the dogma anymore. But, I might move to Maine and drop my southern accent. But, I still am southern to the core. It would come out at times when, I least expected it to come out. :-) My Church of God, Southern Baptist, Vinyard Christian Fellowship roots (Told ya I got a good dose of the faith through my years) comes out at various times in my day to day experience.
So, I think a good bit about sin. What it is and what it isn't. I hear people who profess the love of Christ talking about a "justified" killing of another human. Calling people who disagree with them snarky names and making cutting remarks. Mainly, on facebook pagers where they are preaching to the choir and can remain smug. In the church where they can get an "Amen" or in a political gathering of like minded people. Only watching Fox News and demonizing other networks as demonic.
On the other hand I hear people who are "progressive" or agnostic calling people of faith idiots and un-scientific. Talking about flying spaghetti monsters and sky elves. Calling people who honestly don't agree with a political view a racist or a inbred hick. Trying to censor Fox News while yelling that conservatives are killing MSNBC.
Still I digress. When do I not? :-)
I think a lot about my life these days. Getting older and discovering that I can't take off running across a field or throw a ball or make the ole jump shot. It's frustrating at times. I remember an article a long time ago in my home town paper. Somebody had written about God and they called it "The Wild God." I think alot about the wild God. I think about what that means. I think it means that we are really not able to place the maker of all being or the source of all being in a box.
Now, I'm not a bible scholar. But, if I remember correctly there were certain Jewish beliefs about not even spelling the name of "God." I think one of the reasons is that a creature in a universe can't really absolutely know "pure being" which is outside the universe.
It's one reason that orthodox Jews and others have a hard time with the incarnation as described by Rome. (yes chillun, even you who are the chosen few evangelicals are influenced by Rome) To even think that the Almighty could be contained he, who is the very source of being and not a creature in a human house of clay was and is blasphemy to them. It's hard because of the law and even because of logic for them to accept such a concept.
I have come to know the source of my being as outside the universe also. After all even Paul and early Christians and mystics say that "God" is unknowable or that the ways of God or the being of God can only be seen through a glass darkly.
Now, where I am in agreement with the Christian faith of my upbringing is this. I truly believe that "Source or God" Pure consciousness, "Love" does incarnate and is incarnate in the person and being of Jesus Christ. That no greater love can be shown than to actually participate in the dance of what we call physical life by "One" who is not bound to what we call physical life.
Now, where I am heretical is that I also believe that I am an incarnation also of my source. No, I'm not God or god :-) But, the very essence of my being is within the very essence of all being. Anyway, it's hard to put into words.
Now, my little sins. I'm not really going to "list" my little sins here. I would be totally embarrassed to put my whole being before my fellow travelers the way it is open before God. A wise woman once told me "Steve, don't tell anybody but God everything." :-)
So, this is my offering today. My source sees me and knows those things in me that "smack" the very concept of being spiritually mature or awake in the face.
So, this is just a self indulgent, boring post that I am putting down right now because I don't have "time" this morning or opportunity to draw away by myself and meditate or pray or do other spiritual stuff. :-)
I offer this to my source and my journey. I hope to one day be where the worries and the doubts and the losses of this world are put in perspective. Where the terror of not knowing if everything is really "alright" will finally be swallowed up in love. But, right now I am still on the journey. I think if I can get up this hill there is a little bit of straight road ahead. Until the next hill. :-)
Leonard Cohen: Hallelujah:
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah