What, me worry?

I was looking through facebook the other day. A post came up. You know the kind. Click here if you love God or Country or like if you hate racism. This one wasn't that though. This one said "Click here to see what you will look like in twenty years. Twenty Years? I'm fifty seven years old. Do ya think I really have an urge to "advance" to see how I'll look? ;-)

Assuming of course that God gives me twenty years of health and hope and life. I once read where Stephen King said something along the lines of "After 60 years the expiration date is void." So, is it all gravy from there? I don't know. I do know there are some things I would still like to do. But, I was talking with my mother on the phone. She had me as a teenager (her, not me) I was born at a very young age. :-) Someone once said "What sign were you born under?" I said I wasn't born under a sign. My mother was a decent woman. I was born in a hospital. Ba dump bump.

Anyway, my mother asked me what it was that I "know" not what I believe. So, that got me to thinking. At almost fifty eight years old what is it that I know from my journey so far?

Honesty! That's the only think I really know after fifty seven years on the planet so far. No, not the honesty of admitting to the police officer that I was going over the speed limit. Not, admitting to my wife that I really did eat a blueberry scone this morning after saying I would cut down on eating out or on sweets. No, not the little everyday lies and fibs that we tell ourselves and others to get through the day without hurt feelings. Those are fine and God Bess you for it if you are totally honest. But, that's not what I mean.

I'm talking about honesty with the source of my being. God, if you will. Now, that might sound silly or you might even say "Of course you are honest with God and yourself." But, you would be wrong. I spent a great deal of my life trying to "be a good Christian." that meant reciting the creeds and dogma and trying to be good enough. It wasn't honest and I wasn't fooling myself or my source.

So, that's what I've learned. To be honest with myself and therefore with God about my life and feelings and battles. Not to sugarcoat it. Not to claim "The bible says it and I believe it." Now, some do and that's fine. But, that never worked for me.

Thomas is my hero. Not Peter and his guilty "Oh crap I screwed up." But, Thomas and his "Ya know, I would love to just take this on faith. But, I need a little experience. A little gritty real life example." I'm fighting here ya know. I'm clinging to my self respect and self identity and I need a little more than somebody simply spouting their credentials at me.

"She was bred in Old Kentucky...but she's just a crumb up here." ....Curly Howard.

I just threw that last Three Stooges quote in there for fun. :-)

True Story:

American South (Bama) 12 or 13 year old kid in the early seventies. Raised in the "Bible Belt" and really pretty sure I was going to go to hell. I mean, I felt funny in my body when I saw Raquel Welch in that movie. That has to be a sin because the preacher said I shouldn't have thoughts about the opposite sex. I also had fought with my sister and stole some quarters out of my mothers purse to go to the store. But, mainly I had a few cuss words in my head and if Jesus knew everything I was in trouble.

I learned one cuss word in the first grade that would be a little more prevalent in the years to come. My friend at Walnut Park Elementary in Gadsden, Alabama runs up to me and whispers "My momma and daddy got mad at me last night." Really? I said. Why? "Well, I said something I had heard my older brother say." He then leans in and whispers the "F" word in my ear. We laugh and then I say "What does it mean?" Remember first grade in the sixties wasn't like any grade you can think of in the new millennium. :-) He said "I don't know, but they sure got mad." :-)

So, I was pretty sure at the old age of 12 or 13 years old that I was in trouble. I was in church at Cherry Street Baptist in Attalla, Alabama. The preacher was saying that "all sin will be forgiven." Whew, I might get out of that Raquel Welch thing after all. :-) Except  the sin of blasphemy against the Holy Ghost.!

Now, that got me worried. I didn't know what the sin of blasphemy against the Holy Ghost was but I was pretty sure I might do it. Not on purpose! Lord No! :-0  But, what if I had some kind of horrible thought that I couldn't control? What if a cuss word came into my brain right now? OH, yeah. It's the "Don't think of a Pink Elephant syndrome. What did you just think of? ;-)

The story gets a little darker and then a lot lighter as time goes on.

So, I'm out in my backyard and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be burning in flames for eternity or at the least cut off in my youth from the angry god of the religious. He has an awful temper ya know. I mean some poor smuck just touched the Ark and was torched on the spot. What chance did I have?

But, I did one thing that I still do. With all the stories of abuse of religion that you hear these days I came away with a precious gift from my religion. "I Prayed." Yep, I just talked right to the source. I admitted my thoughts since after all "God could read minds." Right? Well, this (and remember this memory is now at least 43 or 44 years old. ) So, I'm not trying to be precise. But, this is what I heard and have heard go through my mind.


I'm not a mind reader. Not a physic. I don't see you from the outside in. I don't guess at who and what you are. I know you. I know you from the inside out. You belong to me.

Now, this was not an audible voice so I'm not claiming a Moses on the mount moment here. ;-) This went through my head. My mind.

Then I saw a room in my minds eye. I was on a couch and I saw a door. I then had this thought. "The next time they come" (These were the thoughts that were troubling me.) Just relax. They are talking about me and I will answer the door. I did and he did and I have been sane (relatively speaking) :-) all of these years.

So, trust and honesty are the things that get me through. That's what I've learned. I have lost most of the dogma of my religion through the years. I have some thoughts and opinions that some would call heretical and others would call fairy tails. (but remember he's pretty good with my thoughts.) :-)

So, even though I'm not completely sure of every step and I fight my anxious mind and have to often will myself not to worry. I do have honesty with the source of my being. I trust that this is a (to quote a wise woman I once knew) Journey Securely Bound.

Peace!