Wake up! Hard to do since I've been asleep as long as I can remember. Hard to rouse myself up so why don't you just tell me what's real and what isn't. Early memory: Looking up from a crib and seeing a smiling face with a hat on. Later will find that to be granddaddy. Big building with revolving doors and people in big coats. Later it would be called Cleveland, Ohio. Went there to visit my biological dad as a toddler.
First grade: Walnut Park Elementary in Gadsden, Alabama. Shiny and new desk and a big ole chart with the ABC Song led by my teacher. The desk reminds me of syrup and pancakes for some reason. It's the color and my imagination I'm sure. A is for the Apple that hangs upon the tree.
Phone call from school: Your son Steve just walks around during nap time. No, he isn't mean, but he keeps getting up. Naptime. Put our towels and blankets on the floor. My friend Larry is laughing in the bathroom. "What's going on?" Well, he says I heard a word last night that my parents repeated. They got real mad when I said it. Really? What was it? Well it starts with an "f" and well I'll tell you. ....Really? what does it mean? "I don't know but they got really mad at me." Later in the occasional life. A big church bus comes through Walnut Park. Kids pack on. I'm getting Baptized at Cherry Street Baptist. Wow, I had a stuffy nose a minute ago. But, now I'm standing here wet and yet my head is clear. I'll remember this for a life time. That is on occasion. Later, there will be enough fire and brimstone and hypocritical adults that I can go back to sleep.
Sixth grade: Kids from all my childhood and the last year at my neighborhood school. My teacher is black and the first black teacher in this world where the only black people I've seen so far have been marching on t.v. Still, she has this way about her that just seems to exude a presence of acceptance and concern and even love. Not what I had been told that black folks were like.
General Forrest Junior High: It's so big. Who are all these people? Why are those black kids and white kids over there shoving each other? Where are my friends from the park? I just don't know about this. I think I'll keep my head down. That kid over there? He seems to really hate me. I don't know him but he seems to really want me to know that I have a scar on my face and he doesn't. I think I'll just keep down for a little while.
Emma Sansom High: We are going up to Sansom today to register for next year. I'll register for 10 grade. But, my mother has just said she is divorcing my stepdad. I'll be going to live with my grandparents in Altoona, Al. But, I was born and raised in Alabama City. How can I not go to Sansom? Well, at least I'll escape that stupid bully since he won't know where I went anyway. But, I'll miss the kids I grew up and went to school with for 9 years. Most of them have been a little distant since Walnut Park though. Oh well.
West End High: It's so small! The whole class together isn't as big as one home room at Emma Sansom or Forrest. Still, the kids are a little more laid back. They seem friendly enough. I think I hate school anyway so I'll just put my head down and wait for it to end.
This is adult hood? I'm gonna have another beer and another joint and I'll do something else tomorrow. I'm only a kid so it's not that big a deal. That's what one of the adults just said anyway. Later: Why don't you get a job, you bum. "Wait, didn't you just tell me I was just a kid yesterday?" What? Where did the years go?
Look in the mirror and wake up for just another minute since I'm in my late 20's. I think I'll finish my education or get a job or do something. Getting high and strung out was fun a few years ago but not so much now. I don't like the way people look at me and I don't want to be the town drunk or druggie.
Education. I get to teach at a private school while taking classes at Jacksonville state and I have a 2 year diploma from Gadsden State. I even started church again. Waking up a little but I'm not really sure of the fire and brimstone stuff. I think I'll just go to work at the county tax appraisers office.
Married? Well, I had thought about it but I didn't really expect it. Still, seems like it might work out. Still, it seems that other people have baggage too. Who knew? It's hard but we are going to Hawaii. I know I might be crazy but I'm not sure of just what works and what doesn't. On to Colorado. A son? I look at the sonogram and I bless him in the womb. I'm awake for a minute.
Why is she having such a hard time and seeming to be in so much pain. I see his little head and it doesn't look that big. WHAT? That's the head? OK, I'll never call women the weaker sex again. That would have killed me.
But, he is beautiful. I can't wait to hear his first words or see his first steps.
Work, it's what I do. No, I'm tired and besides I'm off and I just want to chill. I'm not thrilled but at the same time I'm just gonna keep my head down.
Change? Not yet, not again! This is hard and my finances aren't perfect. What if, what if what if?
End? Not really but kind of an
Epilogue:
Dream from several years ago. Wow, how vivid. There's my body back there. What a vivid red landscape. Who's this beside me? Seems like he could tell me anything I wanted to know. Well, I want to know about life and death and God and meaning and who am I and where did I come from and where am I going. So, I turn and ask. But as always in dreams I don't ask word for word as in waking life. I ask "What is the dream?"
He says "you ask too much."
A single tear runs down my face and I wake up.
A single tear really is running down my cheek.
So, still I ask What is the dream? Maybe one day!
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